This is a weird one…

Growing up as a kid, whenever I’d get new shoes, a new bike, or just something cool, I always had my friends and the other kids in the back of my mind thinking about how cool they’d think my new shoes are, my new bike is, or my new toy, etc. The thought of them thinking my new item was cool added to the excitement of what It was I was getting (shoes, toys, etc.) In fact, I felt like I wanted them to be jealous of me. I wanted them to have thoughts like, “ugh…she’s so lucky, I wish I had that, etc.” In a way I wanted them to be jealous of me. I was not a mean kid. I had many friends in elementary school, who I am still friends with to this day nearly 30 yrs. later. These were just private thoughts in my head that I gave no thought to. Now as an adult, whenever I go to decorate for Christmas, make an amazing Thanksgiving meal with a gorgeous table, have my master bathroom redone, etc., I still weirdly have those kinds of thoughts in my head of wanting the neighbors to think we have the most beautiful house, or friends and family to wish they had our newly remodeled bathroom. Again, Im a nice person, am often told I am nice, but these thoughts bother me so much that I think that way. They’ve always been background noise in my head since I was a wee little kid and I think they’re just apart of me. Does this make me a sh*tty person? Can anyone else relate?

Wolfram

Date posted: 2y

I can relate. If you don't like it you can change it. Takes practice. Seems like external validation seeking. What happens if you don't get the reaction you want? How do you feel?

Scared1

Date posted: 2y

@Invalid It’s never been about the reaction, which is the weird part. It’s just the thought that naturally comes along when Im going to buy something new, decorate, etc. Like if someone came to my house to see our new bathroom and had a basic response of like, “oh, thats nice,” it wouldn’t ruin my day. In my mind I already think they love it and that’s satisfying enough for me.

Wolfram

Date posted: 2y

@Scared1 So expectations not being met. To me that seems like a reaction you're expecting from someone else. Probably not even thinking about it consciously but hurts when it happens? Their reaction or reply isn't within your control. Would you be able to just be happy without showing it off so to speak?

Scared1

Date posted: 2y

@Invalid What I mean is their reaction is no big deal to me. When I go to decorate my house, buy something new for myself, etc., its always done with this thought attached to it like, “people will love this. I wonder if they’ll be jealous, etc.” sometimes I have the thought that I actually want them to be jealous. It’s all background noise type thoughts in my head. However, I don’t expect a reaction from anyone and am never looking for one either. It’s just the fact that I have those thoughts that bothers me.

Wolfram

Date posted: 2y

@Scared1 I understand that but why does it ruin your day?

Scared1

Date posted: 2y

@Invalid Does it ruin my day that they don’t say anything? If that’s what you’re asking, no it doesn’t. Thats what I keep explaining. What bothers me is I attach the thought of wanting people to feel jealous or thinking “everyone is going to love this.” Thats my problem - those thoughts. Its never about of they say anything or not.

Wolfram

Date posted: 2y

@Scared1 Just re read it. My bad. My advice is when you notice having these thoughts accept theyre there and refocus on somethingm grounding techniques, hobbies, chore, even stuff like breathing exercises. It's like conditioning your brain to deal with them differently and taking away the importance it has. Sorry it took so many explanations 😅 I appreciate the patience

Scared1

Date posted: 2y

@Invalid No worries at all. Thank you for the advice. I know they’re just thoughts, but what I don’t like is theres a little bit of truth to them and it makes me feel like a bad person.

Wolfram

Date posted: 2y

@Scared1 They're the worst ones 😅

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