Venting

Two months have passed since I started therapy. It has been helpful in reducing symptoms and I began to work on the things I like, but there are still some things which irritate me. I am feeling depressed and I find it rather difficult to think rationally. I spend a lot of my time inside my head with thoughts regarding my future and I am overwhelmed with dread that I am going to fail school in my last year, although my grades tell another story and I still managed to study for myself to get a better understanding of some matter beyond the things that have been taught in my class. I have the feeling of not possessing control over the most trivial aspects of my life. I stutter a lot more and I find it difficult to explain or come up with ideas. My performance of tasks is much more slowly and I have become quite forgetful. When I try to think logically, it feels as is if I have brain fog. The worst part is that now I have a lot more thoughts besides my main theme surrounding my sexual orientation. Thoughts that sound like "I am the smartest man alive", "I am better than anyone else", "I am smarter than Albert Einstein himself", "I possess knowledge of everything" and the worst one "I am god". With these thoughts burdening my mind, I have not quite felt like myself in a long time, approximately 4 months and 23 days. I encourage myself to advance through life by telling myself that everything will pass, but it feels like a lie. It feels like my mind cannot be mended anymore and this started when I truly believed that my main theme became reality. I fought for a whole year against HOCD, only to find myself at square one with the fear feeling ever so real. I hate it so passionately, because although these thoughts tormented me, I became accustomed to them and I managed to be a rational person who finished at the top of their class. But with the new theme of my fear of being bisexual, not only did I feel powerless against my thoughts and feelings, but my mental resistance towards them also sank. Now, when a aforementioned thought appear, it feels like I do not want to create resistance anymore or to put up a fight against them. It seems as if I do not want to do anything, not even ERP. This apathy drags me down. Everything appears so dark, devoid of potential. I try to escape from this mental prison, but I cannot. Everything I do and try to do feels like it is doomed to fail and will not improve my situation. I try to adhere to the my training given by my therapist, but even then I am not sure if it will help me. I do not even know if I have OCD or not anymore. After triggering myself with my new theme, I cannot discern my thoughts from intrusive thoughts anymore. I lack any clarity on this matter for a very long time, although sometimes I get some glimpses of truth. Thank you for reading this lengthy post and I apologize for any grammatical mistakes or word repetitions. Is this a comorbidity between depression and OCD or just another tactic of OCD unknown to me that surprisingly well in keeping me occupied with this never-ending agony?

trutherford1

Date posted: 48w

Heyyy, I am so glad that I ran into your post. I hope that now you are doing better considering this post was 302 days ago. I feel everything that you are feeling. sometimes, I just don’t even have the urge to fight back the thoughts and feelings anymore and get the feeling that maybe it’s just me and not OCD at all. It too has been a depressing thing for me as it is a constant thing all day, even in my sleep. How are you getting along now?

Luke_McElwee

Date posted: 25w

Losing my shit, freaking out

Idk if this post is even worth it but it seemed like a normal day for me, called off work due to the weather so I get to just stay home and play games all day. Easy day besides dealing with the constant and unbearable battle with my intrusive thoughts/feelings. Took a shower and I just had constant thoughts, (heart palpitations are pretty constant) ended up breaking down and bawling my eyes out. I was diagnosed with HOCD and ROCD about 2 months ago and since it's just gotten worse. It feels as real as it can get and after talking to my girlfriend about the anxiety attack, it feels even more real. I have no desire or enjoyment from what comes from my brain, and at this point I'm on my knees begging the big man upstairs for my old life back, how do I go from being obsessed with women (sexually and emotionally) to pretty much doing a 180 overnight (with the obvious anxiety and worry behind it. No real desire obviously). I'm just at a loss, I've done a little ERP and it seemed to help with the brain fog but besides that, everything that it does to someone, I have. And again there's the doubt I even have OCD and I'm in straight denial. It just sucks.

Anonymous

Date posted: 22w

Help?

So, I don't know if anyone's going to comment on this post, but I've been doing pretty badly lately. I suffered from a second relapse of OCD around nearly a year ago, back when I first experienced OCD, I had all the symptoms, researching, crying none-stop, suicidal, etc, but now that it's been almost four years of this same theme. It doesn't feel nearly as bad anymore? It's almost like it brings me happiness??? I see people saying with confidence that they'd never do their intrusive thoughts but I can't agree with them, I'm not confident I won't do them, a few years ago, I'd say I'd NEVER do them and I would rather kill myself before doing them but now I can't say it. I don't know what's going on anymore and what makes it worse I think is that my feelings are all over the place, a part of me wants to give up while the other part of me is still fighting and I'm crying right now as I write this but I don't even know if I'm scared. Sometimes I just let myself "enjoy" the intrusive thoughts because I'm so tired and everytime I look at a reddit post about someone saying that they felt guilty for enjoying an intrusive thought, I don't feel that same emotion, and I keep researching and researching. It doesn't feel like OCD anymore. I can't even say I'm scares for the right reasons, my brain keeps telling me that I'm only scared because I don't want others to look down on me and the truth is that I actually "enjoy" the thoughts and I simply don't want to be looked down upon on society. I don't know what to do, I want to go in the bathroom and cry until I disappear

"Pure" OCD

f7nn

Date posted: 18w

My current predicament

Struggling with TOCD has probably been the hardest theme I’ve had to deal with so far For reference. I’m a gay male 20yr old Before this theme I was so open with my gender expression, love drag and used to do it for a time. A lot of my friends are trans women and my whole life is queer When this theme hit. It’s like I completely lost who I was. Questioning everything I enjoyed, not participating in anything because it triggered me so heavily. I went through a whole gender journey awhile back and the trans path never spoke to me when I looked into it. I love my physique and my face but now when I look into the mirror i feel like a shell of who I was. I can’t find any sort of pure enjoyment without the accompanying “what if” or “you’re this” intrusive thought I still enjoy how I look. I’ve not looked in the mirror and felt like anything is missing from me or needs to be taken away I just feel like a spectator in my life while this disease tells me I’m not who I know myself to be I affirm myself every day I know who I am and it may change in the future but that’s not important. It’s highly unlikely it will but it may! Giving into the uncertainty has been so hard but it’s worth it! My ocd has really picked up since getting into my first serious relationship I care about my boyfriend with my whole heart but over the course of our relationship my themes have included Health Relationship Irreality Harm I just want to be who I was again before this current theme it feels unbearable to live like this BUT! I’m seeking appropriate treatment and not giving into a majority of compulsions I just wanted to write this to see if anyone can relate and if they do. Know that you will overcome this! I know I will and you will too

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