Partner of someone struggling

Hello, I do not have OCD but my boyfriend does. We’re both in our early 20s, we have been together for almost a year. I’m making this post seeking advice , thank you for taking the time to read. He’s always had issues obsessing over my past and asking me questions and things of that nature. I talk to him about it and answer when he wants to ask me stuff, but the problem is i don’t want to talk about these things because it’s really traumatic for me. He tends to obsess over my past romantic history which brings up bad feelings for me (SA, DV trauma etc) I want to help him but it’s VERY hard to stay patient when it’s triggering me. Every time he asks me about these things i either end up having a panic attack or getting so upset with him which ends up making him feel worse because he can’t control his obsessions and it’s a really hard cycle for both of us. I don’t understand much about OCD and it confuses me how one minute everything is fine and the next he is upset. and he hasn’t been diagnosed yet but is working on getting into therapy. He has his own trauma which i think is where this all stems from. But in the meantime I want to find better ways to help but also keep my own mental health in check. I’m willing to do whatever I can to help him with his issues. It’s also really isolating because it’s a difficult situation and i’m having difficulty finding anyone who relates and can help. Thank you for reading this. 🥺 And anyone who has advice would get greatly appreciated.

Username: PubbywomwomPubbywomwom

Date posted: 1y ago

He is needing reassurance which is a compulsion. Gently remind him of this and don’t answer the questions. If he is in therapy he should know that reassurance seeking is not good.

Username: nonagonnonagon

Date posted: 1y ago

Hello! OCD is a disease of doubt, and someone giving into the OCD will often be seeking relief from the tension the OCD generates. A typical example would be if someone is scared of germs, obsesses over this fear, they may generate a compulsion of washing their hands multiple times. Here's the thing: the compulsion actually reinforces the obsession. The compulsion may relieve tension and anxiety in the moment, but it does not actually help in the long run because it will reinforce that there *is* a danger so bad that you need to wash your hands 9 times in a row multiple times a day, it will reinforce that the danger is real. Now, I'm not sure what your boyfriend's struggles are, but it sounds like his compulsion is asking you about your history and relying on you to share. This sounds like it could also be a form of reassurance seeking, where reassurance also gives someone with OCD relief. However, reassurance can also make things worse, because it can cause the person with OCD to basically become glued to the one reassuring them instead of able to handle their own feeling. All in all, it sounds like telling him about this repeatedly is not helping either of you. If this is traumatic for you to relive over and over, I feel that that is really not healthy for you. I feel it is within your right to not play into his compulsive questions. You can express that it is harming you to answer and it is harming him too. I think it is a good idea to try to talk about this when it seems he is stable, so he can agree to this before he is bombarding you with questions again. I do not know him nor what he's gone through, but I hope he can listen and try here, because it sounds painful for you to repeatedly be triggered this way. People with OCD (myself included) can really struggle to sit with the anxiety caused by our obsessions, but it's pivotal for us to actually start to do this. I would over-rely on my partner and stress them out intensely, and I've been trying to work on this myself, so I hope your boyfriend can be understanding of this. If you want more information on OCD, https://www.treatmyocd.com/ocd-subtypes this has a list of subtypes, and you may be able to see what your boyfriend aligns with. When you click through to the subtypes, there are also articles that are related to each subtype to read through, too.

Username: athena17athena17

Date posted: 1y ago

@nonagon thank you so much for taking the time to reply, i definitely do feel it puts a lot of pressure on me. i will point this out to him. it’s very hard too because it’s human nature to do whatever someone you care about needs to help them. i will check out that website, thank you so much ❤️

Username: jessiemcjessiemc

Date posted: 12w ago

You're such a lovely person! ♥️ The more you educate yourself, the better you'll understand the dynamics of ocd. It could be nice to seek some support groups dedicated to those who love people with ocd, also read articles and watch content directed to this.

Username: Magnilda

Date posted: 4y ago

Hello everyone! I am not the one having OCD, but my boyfriend does, and it is combined with depression. He hides it pretty well (he doesn't want to make me or any other person sad) and acts like everything is normal most of the time (makes everyone laugh etc. - like many other depressed people) even though I know he suffers a lot. We know each other on a very deep level and I am the only person who he has told about having OCD and depression, and I just want to help him as much as I can. The thing is that he has a lot of negative thoughts most of the time and if he doesn't do something, for example, claps his hands 8 times, he believes 100% something bad is going to happen to me, like I'm gonna get hurt or something. At the moment it is not possible for him to talk to specialized OCD therapist as there is not one in the area where we live in, but I am confident that I can help him or, even better, guide him, so he helps himself, so that he, at least, suffers less from this. What advice would you give me? I know that I shouldn't be too pushy or telling him what I think he should do. I just want him to know that I'm there for him and that, even though I cannot understand what he's going through, I can at least educate myself about OCD (I've seen some self-help books you posted here) and talk to him about what I've read, because I think it is better to talk about it rather than him hiding it and suffering in silence.. This is how I thought I could help him: When I see or when he tells me that compulsions are happening or going to happen, I'm gonna let him know that he is not going through this alone and that he can trust me. Then I will ask him to tell me what kind of thoughts are going through his mind at the moment, and if he, for example, tells me that he thinks something bad is gonna happen to me I'm gonna tell him to try not to do any compulsive behaviour and try to, no matter how hard it is at the moment, accept that thought and repeat after me: You are safe. I am safe. We are always going to be safe. Only good things happen to us and always will. I believe that if this is done constantly that it will make his OCD more managenable (and depression as well). I would really appreciate any comment, expert or from a person having a similar experience that my boyfriend has. I really want to help him. Thank you! ❤

Username: JennyJ

Date posted: 3y ago

Hello dear friends. I hadn't been on this app for a while, I've been getting by. Today I just need to vent and to feel validated and understood. I have OCD, I consider myself in permanent recovery. It is an everyday job. I am ina relationship with a wonderful guy. I deeply love and care about him, but he doesn't understand anything about OCD. I've explained it to him a million times. I've directed him to online resources. I've talked him through what to do to help me get out of a loop without giving me reassurance. And yet, he never knows what to say or do when an episode appears. It is tiring to pull myself out of the loop and then having yo explain to him what just happened to me, over and over again. I think, in general, he lacks empathy for other people's feelings, but, when it comes to me, I can see that he tries but achieves nothing. I think I don't have ROCD, I have diverse thoughts. But the last few weeks this thought got into my mind: what if he has met someone else and they are texting each other and flirting and he's gonna leave me? (He left his girl to start a new relationship with me). And he are apart due to the covid-19 epidemic, so we didn't see each other almost at all during last year. Of course, I had been able to keep this particular thought to myself, buy yesterday, it just came out of my mind after him not picking up the phone. He was in shock. He reacted defensively (which I completely understand), replied that he had nothing to explain to me as to why he couldn't answer the phone when I called him and that we was surprised that I asked him such a thing (if the reason why he didn't answer me was that he was talking to someone else). I knew it was just an OCD thought of mine, but I just couldn't keep it to myself any longer. Of course, I apologized to him and had to explain it had been an OCD thought. He was supporting and understanding and told me everything was ok and to forget about it. This morning I feel sad that he couldn't recognize this for what it was despite all the explaining I have done. I have dealt with my ocd on my own, despite being in a relationship. I just needed to vent and would like to read your thoughts about this whole thing. Thank you in advance for reading and replying.

Username: emsull36

Date posted: 2y ago

My boyfriend has relationship OCD how can I help

Boyfriend has been diagnosed with relationship OCD, he has intrusive thoughts about me with past partners and always asks for affirmation How can I help him, and what should I do or not do

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