ROCD Recovery Question!

I am feeling like I am not attracted to my spouse at all and like I need to break it off before we have kids (we’re thinking about it in the next 2 years). I’m worried I’ll keep feeling ROCD relapses when we have kids and that would be hell to deal with both that and raising kids. I’m wondering whether I would actually feel relationship uncertainty and anxiety as much with someone I’m more naturally attracted to. If you’ve had similar break up urges, how do you know what you truly want and make values based decisions? How do you ride the wave during a particularly bad doubt storm, where you feel none of the positive emotions you felt before? Has anyone had ROCD with kids and can give advice or share experiences?

sea_sky26

Date posted: 1y

I haven't really dealt much with ROCD, but have you tried considering what made you fall in love with and decide to marry your spouse in the first place? We all know that feelings can come and go. But love isn't based on feelings alone. Idk, relationships are important to me, I hate divorce personally. I would think that even if you did decide to divorce, you would still feel this way with someone else because you didn't deal with the root issue, which is the ocd and any other life factors which could be influencing your feelings/decisions. Is your current spouse loving, supportive, patient, would they be a good parent? Do they know about your struggles with this or are there walls built up? Do you guys take time to still get to know each other intimately (not just sex but like as people-thoughts, behaviors, dreams, fears, etc.)? Somehow you've got to figure out the facts and find what is true, beyond what you feel. Feelings lie. As we all know, OCD loves to manipulate our feelings and lie. If you want to fight for your marriage with this person and your future family, the feelings will come back in time. Surround yourself with people who will support and champion you and maybe even do counseling together. Maybe you could even look up stories of people with ROCD who overcame something like this for encouragement! I'm not a therapist, sorry I wish I knew exactly what you need to hear but I hope this helps in some way. 💜

Rocd-friend

Date posted: 1y

@sea_sky26 Thank you so much for your thoughtful response! You bring up good questions and suggestions I’m going to think about and work on. I waited a few days to answer since I wanted to stop myself from seeking reassurance/ checking/ etc. I posted an update below in the comments! I’ve noticed that I am very triggered by comparison to others (weddings, engagements, romantic movies, or romance centered events especially), interpersonal disagreement in the relationship (tricky bc it is a natural part of any relationship but my brain turns it into “a sign”), or my feelings of attraction (like folks have said, come and go, and also are influenced by lifestyle factor, hormones, work life stress, etc). The good thing, I suppose, is I can keep a keener eye on these triggers, and do more exposures around them to help me become more comfortable with discomfort. I think what I’ve re-learned this weekend (for the nth time) is I’m truly in need of resilience when it comes to dealing with feelings of discomfort. OCD can have a hey day when I’m trying to run from discomfort — because it can try to convince me I can find certainty. I’ll need to practice being comfortable being uncomfortable and uncertain — and making values based decisions. Thanks again!! It helps to know people are listening and here.

Lost-

Date posted: 1y

I would say there is a big difference between love and attraction. It’s extremely reasonable to expect that you won’t be attracted to your partner all the time, but you should love them all the time. OCD obscures clarity in regards to both so it would be really difficult to get a grasp on what your feelings are, but at the end of the day, kids are the biggest commitment you can make, not just to your partner but more importantly to them. I think it could be helpful to work with a therapist to gauge if you’re ready for it and just air out some of your concerns. Hope u can find some clarity soon.

Rocd-friend

Date posted: 1y

@Lost- Thank you! I’m working on getting a new therapist :) This inspired me to act on what I’ve been postponing

acobrion

Date posted: 1y

Very helpful thank you!

Rocd-friend

Date posted: 1y

UPDATE: I feel the exact opposite — very attracted and very grateful we are married… so I feel confident that WAS an OCD trigger (I had a big one this weekend plus more stacked on top: trigger stacking). It’s a good lesson to me that OCD has a habit of making things seem so absolutely real in the moment and even if that lasts for a few days or week, it’s not permanent and I need to use my tools to ride the storm. What seemed to help was doing a couple of exposures while I was feeling triggered (strange right?) and then seeking common humanity by letting a support group know I was facing depressive symptoms from an OCD episode and then going on a very long nature walk and talking with a friend who also has OCD (not compulsing).

Croissant

Date posted: 23w

Rocd & depression. Feeling no love or attraction?

I struggle with rocd, and a big intrusive thought that I have is that I’m no longer in love with my partner. I am going through a depression right now, and I am struggling to feel any kind of passion towards anything at the moment. I am withdrawing from the people I love because I just feel like I want to be alone. When I’m with people I just feel exhausted by it. I guess my question is, has anyone ever felt like this from depression? Does it take feelings of love and attraction away? I can’t tell if this is my ocd or depression or a combination of both. But it’s starting to impact my relationship which makes me panic because losing it is my worst fear.

Relationship OCD

WhoAmIReally

Date posted: 18w

I am not doing well. ROCD

I feel like I want to break up with my partner and go off and experience things like falling in love and butterflies and magic again. My partner is my home and my family and my rock and we’re compatible but sometimes it feels like I have these unfulfilled needs. And then ocd comes in and SCREAMS about these things and pulls me away from my partner. We’ve been together ten years. It says leave leave leave leave leave. And I feel like deep down I don’t want to stay. But I know love is a choice. How can I choose to stay when my body is screaming rub. I know I have ocd, and this is what ocd feels like, and I also have a lot of trauma regards to attachment. Am I being a coward??? Will this ever end?

Relationship OCD

polish_germa...

Date posted: 11w

Can it still be OCD if I don’t feel sexual attraction to my partner anymore?

Hi everyone, I’m a 30-year-old woman, and I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years. I’ve always felt emotionally close to him — he’s caring, supportive, and we planned a future together, including having a family. I don’t want to leave him. He means so much to me. But for a while now, I’ve been obsessing over the fact that I don’t feel much sexual attraction to him anymore. It’s not like I never felt anything — when we first met, there were butterflies, excitement, emotional connection… something real. He was never “just a friend” to me. But the physical side of the relationship feels like it’s slowly faded, and I’m panicking about what that means. I keep thinking things like: – “Maybe I chose the wrong person.” – “You can’t be in love without sexual desire.” – “If I was truly in love, I would still want him.” – “What if I’ve been lying to myself this whole time?” Sometimes my body reacts — I can feel physical closeness or even arousal — but my mind shuts down and says: “no, this isn’t right.” Other times, I feel tension, resistance, or even disgust during intimacy, and I can’t tell if that’s anxiety or if something is fundamentally wrong. What makes this even more confusing is that I truly believe that real love includes sexual attraction. For me, it’s all part of one feeling — not separate. So if the attraction is gone, does that mean the love is too? Is it possible that this is still OCD — that my mind is obsessing and disconnecting me from my real feelings? Has anyone experienced something similar? Any support would mean so much. I feel so stuck between my mind and my heart.

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