Sweet Hannah, sweet Hannah, I wish so much you could be happy.
You have just put a mirror in front of me. God, it hurts.
I am in my late 40ties. Well over half of my life I have had no touch with the family I was born into or any relatives.
I went through everything you are going through and even a lot more. I am not trying to diminish your suffering and pain, I just lived through extra hell. From my mother doing black magic rituals to hurt me, to my mother, sister and dad stabbing me in the back and insulting me every possible chance, from my dad trying to strangle me, to them trying to get me committed against my will ( two man and a doctor came to my then home out of nowhere to forcefully take me away to a "nut house" as my family called the place where I belonged in their opinion because of my ocd, which they had no idea existed at all. Googling it was just not in their interests. The doctor spoke with me, really listened, and told my parents to live me in peace and threatened them with social services if I call her that they are molesting me. She gave me her number.
I also told her, I was arranging things and I was planning to run away from them forever in a week or so.)
Well, I did run away. Far away. Had barely enough money to pay for a room and some food for the first month. Nothing else, no person I could turn to, in a new city where I knew no. one.
I went through two years of starving. I worked but the pay was so low I barely managed to pay the room and expenses for water, electricity,.. For food I had almost nothing left. I was 15 kgs under the recommend minimum weight for my height. I had 42 kgs, but I should have had between 58 and 68.).
I thought I was over it all. That occasionally remembering what I went through would be just a thought without emotions. There had been years of tears. But reading your post and the girl's who answered you first, just broke my heart. To see another young girl go through what I had to go through when I was a girl... it's devastating.
I am soooo soooo truly sorry.
I just want you to know, that life gets better. You might have to distance yourself from your family, which is extremely emotionally hard even though they treat you like worse than trash, but it might be the only way you can be you and start the healing process. Boundaries are a must. Sooner or later. I don't know how old you are or how close to being financially independent from them. But as soon as you get the first chance, if you are strong and desperate enough, move out. Either far away without contact, or near by but with firm unbreakae boundaries.
It is better to be lonely than tormented.
I was also always quiet, gentle, kind. And always suffered in silence.
I 100% know exactly what you are going through and all the questions why and all the doubts and confusion and desperation you are feeling.
I only wish I could be near you right now and hug you as tight as possible to make you feel cherished, loved, heard, respected, valuable.
You were born into this family by some mistake. That's how I explain to myself why I was the only humane and compassionate and normal in my family and relatives, and yet all of them called me crazy. Not even due to my ocd so much. They just didn't like me because I was quiet, liked being at home more than hanging outside with them. I didn't drink, smoke or ever do anything intentionally wrong. My sis broke all the rules and she was insulting to my parents, and they adored and loved her, and hated my guts.
There is no logic here. No definite answer to why me...? Why they?.
The closest I ever came to the reason why they molested me so much was because I was born as a girl and they wanted a boy. My sister has always behaved as a rude, disrespectful, self centered, spoiled boy and they loved her.
Girls, I was not blessed with human children. But I do have 3 feline ones.
I wish I could adopt both of you and show you whay good parents should be like.
I worked with kids all ages for over 20 years. I was a second mom to almost hundred of kids. I watched them grow up in front of my eyes, went through all their doubts, confusion, problems, disorders, illnesses, abilities, disabilities, through all the happy occasions with them,
knew more about them, their feelings than their parents, friends, siblings,... And parents knew it and respected it. The kids and parents both knew that no matter what happens, day and night, forever, I will be there for each of the kids. A girl ran away from home, she came to me. Parents were thankful. Another one was about to commit suicide and I spent the whole night on the phone with her until she was more worried about me than herself. For a year I was going with her to a psychologist. Her parents didn't want to.....
I am still in touch with most of them.
It is so easy for almost every person to have a child. But to become a good parent, it's much harder and a lot of people never succeed.
I don't understand why some people have kids.
I truly cared for and loved all those kids. And they were not my own. How easy and natural should it be to love a child you gave life to?! Healthy or ill, introvert or extrovert,...
I have 3 cats. One of them has an older sister who is homeless. But my husband feeds her and takes her to a vet if necessary. My husband asked me if we could adopt her too, since in a few months when he changes his job and move to live elsewhere, there will be no one to care for her.
I have only seen her in photos. She is not nearly as beautiful as her younger sister, my cat Amy, but I love her already just the way I like my 3 that I already have. She looks like a bomb exploded or Picasso painted her fur, but to me she is as beautiful as my 3.
Life gets better. Sometimes one must take some painful steps and work through hard emotions, but there is light on the other side of the tunnel.
And when you get to the light, your ocd will ease down as well. It will be much easier to cope with it.
I AM SORRY I WROTE SO MUCH.
I APOLOGIZE.
Please, love yourself. You are amazing. You are just the way you should be. Your family's behavior towards you says nothing about you, but tells a lot about what kind of people they are. Believe me, they don't come close to you. I am sure one day when you have a child and if your child suffers from ocd, depression, or anything else, you would be a complete opposite to your parents. Love, understanding, support would come naturally to you. They don't to them.
Biiiig hug to each of you.
I cried through most of my typing this reply. I am fine now.
I wish you have less and less reasons for sadness and you too can smile and be happy and carefree.
Love you guys.
