I didnt got an aswer so i write down in short

Idk about existential ocd, thats like why do we exist kind of thoughts.

@PRIV8 That's fair. I have a hard time w them. I think it can get to hopelessness when we wrestle with feeling like you have to mask it so much and your mind is stuck on kys feelings and obsessions / compulsions around it. It sounds like the compulsion is in ruminating around it maybe

@InvitedMozart Right now i see that the compulsion is analyzing and trying to figure it out if i was really suicidal, but i cant just move on cause i know, i will be scared of this if i dont see the pattern of ocd in it. Every person who has suicidal thoughts says that they dealt with suicidal thoughts or deal with it. Okay but what does that mean? I went to therapy and there poeple said the ones who are really suicidal they has a plan and they dont want help, but thats kinda black and white view cause that sounds like you cant help on that person. But mans says on a hard time of their life they experienced suicidal thoughts, but they moved on cause family ment more or they found meaning. Its the same for us, we dea with suicidal thoughts too... i think its either every person who says they experienced suicidal thoughts they just had ocd but its a very uncommon, or we have suicidal ideations too. I cant decide what did i had cause with the hopeless feeling it seems like it was real suicidal thoughts. Its a compulsion but if i dont realize and see that this is my suicidal ocd pattern too then i will be anxious about this always...

@PRIV8 I think it's down to invasive thoughts and motivation, but if your ocd wants to look closer I think it's a coin toss. It's okay to give yourself some time to meditate and figure out your motivations, and if it keeps feeling like this maybe you can brainstorm things that might add to your life regardless of the thought.

It didnt triggered me cause i had kinda similar situations. Some years ago when i didnt knew what ocd really is, i just heard about exposures, once i got so angry that the thoughts were bullying me that i went to the bathroom and i did the same thing with s scissor. I knew i do it to prove myself that i cant just snap and do it, cause back then i was afraid of that. I dont reccomend tho, i dont think this is what exposures should be. In some way its funny cause forgot about this and back then i was afraid to tell this to anyone cause they would misunderstand it. But for you tho, i dont know if i can ask this, i hope youre better, and if i scare you im so sorry. I feel bad for this but how you realized when you were begging for your higher power to end you, it was ocd? Cause for me that sounds like what other people say who "dealt with suicidal thoughts"? I think you know more than me so i hope this wont trigger you

I deal with the same thing, i just want to ask how did you accepted those thoughts, i dont have them now, i just got triggered cause i remembered the past when i was really low and i had similar thoughts as people who say they deal with suicidal thoughts. I felt tired that i cant enjoy my life and i had thoughts like i dont want to live like that, i dont want to die but i dont want to live like this. I always realized this is bad but the thing i went there scares me. And when others talk about their experience that they wanted to die cause of a bad thing i feel that i can relate and then its scares me cause then i start to question if i was the same boat and it wasnt just ocd. I dont have it now but it triggers me and makes me sad accepting if i was. I dont want to accept it, and idk if its because its not true or because of shame... Also finding out whats the truth will just put me more into this rabbit hole. How did you moved on and did you accepted it might been real suicidal thoughts?

@PRIV8 What I do is to view the thoughts in a nonjudgmental manner and not engage them. if a thought strikes me about suicide, I view it like any other thought. I choose not analyze it. Most times in silent thought, I just think ‘whatever!’ and move on to something else. These are the tools I acquired from ERP through my NOCD therapist. Maybe you might want to consider getting help from someone specially trained in OCD therapy or reach out to the NOCD Care Team available through this app. Hoping this helps you!!!

@Dee C Sorry to write again i just dont find anyone who really understands this,its just you. So you didnt tried to see the difference or you didnt realized yourself that its different than the real thing? I know people say just ignore and move on, i did that for years and i didnt recover, yet when i started doing mindfuly, i saw the ocd patterns and was able to tell this was ocd. It wad a nonsense. Its a lie that you dont have to know and you have to live your life always that you might be a bad person... The thoughts about the past that how experienced that, and it seems like it was real for me... but i dont feel good about accepting it, i feel shame cause its not a good thing for me. Yet whenever i was really low i had the feeling that i cant do this, and i dont enjoy this life. This is really sounds the same as suicidal feelings... yet i dont like it... What did you di beside erp? Or erp made me see through it and you saw its ocd? Can you give me some things you did for exposures?

@PRIV8 Just because you’re not enjoying life does not necessarily mean that you’re considering suicide. Speaking for myself, I was afraid of the thoughts of committing suicide. No matter how rough my life was going, it was something I didn’t contemplate. It’s like they say, when the going gets rough, the rough get tough. I spent many years in talk therapy and it helped but again there wasn’t much known about OCD. I also belong to other mental health fellowships that center around CBT. Over time I learned that I don’t have to act upon my thoughts and feelings. ERP has taught me that I can sit with the discomfort the thoughts/feelings may produce or I can choose to go on with whatever I want to do in the moment. ERP has also taught me not to look or ask for reassurance. I no longer go to the library or google to see if others feel/think the way I do. I’m average and don’t consider myself to be exceptional. I learned to differentiate between OCD thoughts and the usual ones. My OCD thoughts lead me to existential questions that have no answers and/or whether I have other mental health issues like schizophrenia. Btw about a dozen psych doctors have told me I don’t and I’ve learned to accept their authoritative knowledge. As for the past, I accept what has happened and I only have the present moment to which I hope it’ll favorably influence the future!!! Stay strong and please consider help from the folks at NOCD.

@Dee C Yesterday i thought about the same thing, and i felt like i dont see myself doing that, no mather how the situations are different, someone really suicidal can see that he or she wanted to do it, or thought about it, its not feeling bad about that. Your experience with profesionals was good, i got told that im not in danger however even the one who claimed that understands ocd said that im not in danger but when life gets hard i want to avoid the pain and i think about death. This still triggered me cause i was like this is still bad, i dont want to see myself as a person who thinks about death to avoid pain. I couldnt accept it, and i always think that its not because its false, but because i lie to myself and i dont want to accept it and i should...sometimes i see myself as those who has suicidal thoughts but doesnt want to accept the problem. Right now its easy to feel that its all bullsh*t but when you there and you feel low you feel that its true. And as i said now i know its not, many times when people say "i know i didnt wanted to do it" something just changes and i just feel like well idk maybe i wanted and that triggers me and i feel horrible. Then i want to achieve the feeling that i know i didnt wanted to which is a compulsion. But the experience with psychotherapy, no mather how many times i choose that i dont care about that, when things gets hard, i worry again cause she is a profesional and maybe she was right... i dont think this is a trauma cause thats a big word but it did affect me alot to the point that i dont want to go another therapy cause is that person says too that i want to avoid pain by death, it will destroy me. Then i will believe it. Im planning to go to the doctor that helped me and i will ask him what to do with this feeling that maybe the therapist was right cause it hunts me and i want to do something about it cause this is not okay.

@PRIV8 I’m not an expert…So it’s not the person, place or thing that you fear but it’s the inner sensations and how uncomfortable they make you feel. Oftentimes we are not taught how but, we have to learn how to face, brave and tolerate the sensations. So please look to get the help you need.

@Dee C Ive been better with suicidal ocd for these days, i had other problems, but that wasnt a problem. Today the other problem started to get stronger and i felt really bad and started to feel shame, and when i feel shame thats when i want to avoid the feeling the most cause for me its a really disturbing emotion. And then the suicidal ocd thoughts came back and i wasnt scared or something, the bad thing was when the thoughts made the shame go away, and i was angry and i went with the thought. I dont know how to describe it cause it sounds like suicidal ideation. It made me feel annoyed that i have a fear of death and now instead leaning on that fear to feel safe, now i was fighting and yeah it sounds like i was against my value that i want to live and like i wanted to change it. I had this in the past to and i felt like im fighting to change my value cause i notice that it makes the bad feelings go away, then shame and anxiety come up cause i didnt wanted to die but i turned against that anxiety and it was like i entertain the thoughts to change my value. This is so different then how others describe suicidal ocd. Back then i told this to my therapist and she said i want to avoid pain by dying which made me feel worse, and this is how i see it too that it sounds that, i even turn against my value and i get angry that is there. Idk i never heard anyone getting there, now it triggers me, but some minutes ago i felt annoyed and i pushed away anxiety while i was going with the thoughts. People follow that anxiety but i pushed away like i hate that its there

@PRIV8 I want to ignore and recover but i get reminded everytime how bad it was in the past and what i was thinking and i always feel like it was real. Expecially with this now and i remember a year ago it was really strong and bad, its really hard to differenciate when you feel tired and you choose to follow the thoughts

@PRIV8 I won’t give you reassurance. What happens in the past, happened. We learn from it and move forward. Yes there will be reminders but you can choose to brave, face & tolerate. Eventually they’ll go on and new journeys will replace them. For example, the other day I was reminded of something that made me feel sad but I chose to go on rather than to sit and pay attention to the BS my brain produces. I acquired this through ERP & NOCD therapist. It didn’t come easy for me and it takes commitment & practice. And you can do it too!!! Perhaps this is something you & your therapist can discuss. Stay strong and move on!!! Please know that OCD is a liar, a bully and a leech. You can disregard the lies, bravely face the bully and brush off the leech and get back on your journey.

@Dee C If im bothering you im sorry, i just came back here cause sadly not many people can help and i found your comments really helpful. I feel like im avoiding to accept that in hard times i do think of ending my life for a second cause i want escape from pain, but then i realize its bad and i become afraid of it. Im not gonna lie i dont want to accept it cause i feel shame about it but the shame and the fear makes me feel like those are there to make me avoid the problem. Sure you said many times you knew you didnt wanted to die, sometimes i know too but even if its ocd, its a doubting disorder so you will doubt it sometimes and feel like you dont want to. But the reason i feel like im avoiding because my thoughts come up in hard situation and i feel angry or things are really bad and i dont want it to be like that and i feel stuck there so the thoughts just come, that i want to die. I want to exit the pain. If you take this it sounds like a real suicidal feeling. Then i get afraid and i feel shame, but maybe these are feelings that protect me from that, cause bc of shame i avoid thinking about, because its bad and i dont want to be a person who has suicidal thoughts... and see it seem like im avoiding. And i dont like it... i just wish it would be ocd but i feel like the reason im still here is that i didnt accepted it and worked with i want to die when i feel pain.

@PRIV8 I’m not a professional but am sending you positive vibes. Have you tried reaching out to the NOCD Care Team?

@Dee C I cant even tell my problem in my language, i dont speak english that good. I dont know what i need now,cause even if someone tells me its not real i think its a lie cause for years now it comes back no mather how hard i ignore it, and it comes with a feeling that i want to fix the problem, i mean like i want to die so that fixes the problem, but then i get hit by anxiety but the previous feeling makes me question why do i had it... sometimes its a fight between "i will do it" and "no i dont want to" which sounds like a real suicidal problem and i dont know what to do... people here just talk about "what if" thoughts, i try to reach people who had the same problem as i have. I even went to therapy and the therapist told me its real problem and ocd is there to protect me, it means that i really want to die but ocd protects me... i imediatelly leaved that terapist...now i have guilt that she was right...idk i keep searching for poeple that might have the same problem as i. Its a journey...

@PRIV8 Have you looked into other mental health organizations like IOCDF.org?? Or Recovery International.org??? Even check with your primary physician, local hospital or church, etc.??? BTW, what language do you speak and what country?

@Dee C I speak hungarian but i live in Romania. Im afraid to go to people who dont know ocd, i just dont need another "go to the hospital, call 911, you might be really suicidal" comment from anyone, just makes my recovery worse. Im watching youtube videos and im accepting its a journey

@PRIV8 If you have the opportunity, listen to The OCD Stories podcast and/or the NOCD Wednesday Night Webinar. I find they provide tips on how to deal with OCD. They don’t replace therapy with someone specially trained to with this disorder. Know that you are stronger than you think and you are not alone.

@Dee C Now again i see the pattern but its much more stronger for me than for others, idk about you, maybe you had similar, but others are just afraid of the what if thoughts, whike i have thoughts like im doing it right now i dont care about others and i feel the urge but someone helped me see throughg this pattern. A youtuber made a video about suicidal thoughts and ocd and she actually had ideation and acted on it and how she describes it is like for me that she didnt wanted to and it made her feel shame that she has that thought cause she dont want to die yet she acted on it. This triggered me alot cause its almost the same as ocd, like mine, but i realized i have to stop watching these videos and i have to decide that its ocd and ignore others. Yeah it feels like denying but it is what it is. Now what i see, why i am here is because i was still avoiding and i see this now, this is why i was afraid of im denying the truth cause i did actually avoided thoughts alot. I got a negative thought that i didnt wanted to and i reacted in fear. I said "this is not what i want to think, quickly fix it" and this is so hard to change cause yesterday i tried to sit with the thoughts but i invited them and it was like years ago i was existing with those thoughts and slowly they took my attention and i felt depressed. I have to learn how to ignore thoughts that doesnt help me without pushing them away bc of fear.

@PRIV8 Plus when i tried this "allow everything and accept" method, i was an emotional baggage, and i felt like i give my emotions the control to lead me, which where i was before and i became a cringe weak person. I dont want to be there, its not productive. I can find myself cry everytime, when i lived like that (cause i thought its good cause i allow) i was crying every night not just because of sadness, but something made me feel so happy that then i cried bc of that... then it effected my relationships too, my decisions and then i decided i stop doing that. Since then i hate when i hear "allow your feelings and accept them"... another advice that i failed to use correctly was "focus on your life". I did it to avoid the thoughts and emotions. Just like i mentioned in the other comment, i got an intrusive thought and i realized its not good for me but out of fear i tried tk focus on my life which is avoidance. Also this youtuber really triggered me cause her story really sounds like mine and the streght of my thoughts and feelings are familiar of her story but she had actually acted on it cause she had ideatiom. This triggers me but i choose that i dont care but again maybe i avoid it(not like its true, i just push it away even if its ocd but still this doesnt help) I know the core problem is that i cant handle emotions and negative thoughts so i avoid.

If you dont enjoy it i dont think its that

So then it becomes like a dissassociative ruminating fantasy