My OCD Experience (Health to Harm)

This is my first post on this forum and I want to share my experience with OCD so far. I was diagnosed with OCD, specifically Harm OCD about 2 months ago. However, my OCD reached new heights at the beginning of 2023. My OCD began to manifest as extreme anxiety about my health, specifically my appendix and my heart. I was obsessed with a “made up” pain in my stomach and I constantly pushed on my stomach to the point that I bruised it. I ended up going to the hospital, spending thousands of dollars just for a doctor to tell me everything was fine. 15 minutes after leaving the hospital, the reassurance was gone and I was still worried. As that obsession fizzled out, I began to obsess over my heart and I had terrible panic attacks to the point that I could not breathe, I had physical pain in my chest, tightness, and pain in my left arm. I was convinced I was having a heart attack. Back to the hospital… and guess what? Thousands spent and the doctor said nothing was wrong. So I went and started doing traditional talk therapy and I did not follow the guidance and sort of faked my way through therapy and then my OCD reached an all new height and ventured into a very dark place: Harm OCD. It started while I was laying in bed and the thought was harm yourself, there were many ways that popped into my head constantly and I had to wake up my Dad to have a talk and get a plan. We scheduled an appointment for my therapist and at this point ultimately ended up scheduling with an OCD therapist. Shortly after the self harm ocd spiked, my ocd began changing themes to harming others. It seems ways to harm will just pop in, regardless of a trigger, and I started Zoloft which has calmed my anxiety and panic attacks, but I feel so numb it’s terrifying. Has anyone ever questioned their wants when dealing with with vivid harm thoughts that don’t go away? Do you question if these thoughts really bother you?

Who_knows?

Date posted: 49w

Yes currently had health anxiety bad and then death anxiety bad and then all of a sudden a image popped into my head of harming myself then went to “s” thoughts and it makes me question myself all the time , like is this really anxiety and intrusive thoughts or me . I have “I can’t do this thoughts “ and “I want to give up” thoughts and the “s” thoughts latch on to it and scares the crap outta me . Did you overcome this ?

Cale L.

Date posted: 49w

@Walters15! Hey there! You are not alone in your experience/journey. I am currently in ERP therapy and doing exposures on my own. I have drastically improved, but it’s also a work in progress. I think one of the most important aspects of OCD recovery is a mindset/lifestyle change. The mindset change for me came in the essence of understanding that my OCD isn’t miraculously going to go away. I have to learn how to cope, respond, and live life WITH ocd. Does that make sense?

Who_knows?

Date posted: 49w

@Cale L. Yes makes total sense . Did the “s” thoughts go away and it’s a new theme now or you still deal with “s” thoughts ? Did it ever feel so real to you or make you depressed

Cale L.

Date posted: 49w

@Walters15! Yes. They slow down. And yes, OCD has a main goal of making everything feel extremely real and threatening in the moment. Are you in any therapy?

Who_knows?

Date posted: 49w

@Cale L. I’m not in therapy and I haven’t been diagnosed yet , but I know I have health and death anxiety . Before I was scared I was gonna die of a heart attack then die in my sleep and leave my kids and husband and went got blood work ekg and got reassurance and then and image popped into my head one day of my harming myself then it went to “s” thoughts and since then I’ve been in quite the pickle 🤦🏼‍♀️ I know anxiety can have intrusive thoughts too . So whether it’s ocd or anxiety it’s still intrusive 🤦🏼‍♀️🫠

Cale L.

Date posted: 49w

@Walters15! Work on the mindset. What are your main fears right now?

Who_knows?

Date posted: 49w

@Cale L. Harming myself , getting depressed and losing control . Currently been fearing “s” (unaliving myself) just hate typing out the word .

Cale L.

Date posted: 49w

@Walters15! Yeah are you doing any avoidance behaviors? Like avoiding certain situations, objects, places, etc.

Who_knows?

Date posted: 49w

@Cale L. No I am not but I try to avoid my emotions or I guess anxiety by constantly being on my phone looking for people who go through the same . Mines weird like I’m not afraid to hold any object like knives or anything I get anxiety but it’s only really when it’s my time of the month that I can’t escape my thoughts and emotions . Normally I can dismiss them but like I said once a month during my menstrual cycle I get sad about these thoughts and think it’s never gonna end and I’ll always be like this and then have a thought of “giving up “ “I can’t do this “ and then the “s” thoughts start flooding and makes me super sad and then my brain tells me “you won’t make it to this holiday or this birthday or whatever” then it gives me more anxiety and makes me more sad . And when I’m sad I can’t think logically and dismiss the thoughts . It’s weird idk how to explain it .

Cale L.

Date posted: 49w

@Walters15! Trying to avoid anything with OCD whether it’s emotions, anxiety, objects, places etc. reinforces anxiety and OCD. I would say this is a form of avoidance. Trying to learn to sit with your anxiety and stress during these times will be extremely beneficial. Recovery takes time, but working through the symptoms is extremely important. I also get the piece about your monthly cycle, that makes complete sense. Emotions, stress, anxiety, and sadness increase during those times.

Who_knows?

Date posted: 49w

@Cale L. Thank you so much for the help , Did you have this fear too ?

Thejollygian...

Date posted: 23w

My Harm OCD

Basically long story short, ive been dealing with anxiety for a very long time all my life I'm 23 now but about 5 months ago my anxiety started to get really and I overthink a ton and get worried to easily. So my chest hurt for a while from stress at work made me worry why it was hurting, then me worrying and thinking worse case scenarios was making it worse. So i and to go to the doctor and got diagnosed properly with anxiety and I have a med now that I take when I really need it called hydroxyzine but I also have another med that is Zoloft that I have been taking for a about a month now, to help with my intrusive thoughts I have sometimes i only get them when im stressed or when I'm by myself or when i just overthink in general, my loneliness depression is one of the reasons for my anxiety because I wish I had someone as in partner wise to love me and for me to love them. But anyways I've had intrusive thoughts about possibly hurting myself and family, or even my dog. Ive never acted on any of my thoughts in the past and I don't want to but I have had anxiety attacks when everything feels to real and really scares me. I constantly have the thought of am I crazy or am I becoming crazy and stuff and I've done a lot of looking stuff in the past about symptoms but most of them are identical to what anxiety is so it's hard to tell the difference. It's been probably 2 weeks since we last talked. I've been mostly doing good. But I just was wondering if had a little Harm OCD intrusive thought happen yesterday that targeted my Aunt at work she was complaining all day and when it got closer to the end of the shifts for us. I was already annoyed with a situation that happened earlier in the work day. But she came into my department and then went back over to hers and I said it out loud to myself and said you better get back over there or I'll, I tried to say something else because the word I was going to say was kill you. Obviously I don't but that's what my intrusive thought wanted me to say. And made me think thats why i got to hurt her to stop her complaing So the rest of the night I was saying she is safe I am safe I'm control, like this is just anxiety lying to you, it's just because I'm tired and got annoyed earlier. I can't tell if it was working or not because I was so tired and just wanted to go home. But after work her and I spent time together at our house she was on the one couch and I was on the other with a bunch of our dogs in the living room. I tried to keep my mind off of what happened, and I was fighting some stomach achyness already. But I obviously don't want to hurt her and we had conversations just fine. But I went to my other aunt house at night after work to go to bed because she has to watch my aunts dogs because my other aunt and family is on vacation. But anyways I'm trying to get over that word Kill, that word is what is scarring me and sticking. Like my anxiety is lying saying kill, or basically do harm. I don't want to do anything bad but I'm trying to shake that feeling and stickiness of that word. I'm just so scared and worried.

AnonymousAnx...

Date posted: 22w

My OCD experience

I’ve always had OCD, and for most of my life it was little things that seemed manageable at the time or something that would phase out of my head within a couple days/weeks/months. But, the older I got the more severe it became, I’d find myself collapsing deeper and deeper within my own head trying to out think the thoughts that bothered me. About a year ago I had a thought that rattled me to my core. My brothers and I were watching a movie in our mother’s room when my youngest brother turned to me to say something. His close proximity to me triggered a fleeting sexually explicit image in my head and that thought caused me to spiral. Asking questions like, “are you attracted to your minor brother? Are you attracted to minors? Are you gay? Etc.” a couple days went by and my mental stability continued to crumble until I broke down to my mother, she was understanding and we found a a psychiatrist. I got on medication and for a while everything was slowly but surely trending in a positive direction. The thoughts would still pop into my head but they were becoming more manageable. As we all know OCD and mental illness comes in waves. Currently my OCD has been pretty severe. I feel those intrusive thoughts latching on in my head and it’s been very hard to kick them. It’s gotten to the point where I find myself being uncomfortable being in close proximity with my little brother because I feel as though I am capable of harming him in any way. And the more uncomfortable I become being around him the more I find myself lashing out in anger towards the people I care about the most. Those moments of anger cause me to spiral even farther as my head fills with ideas like “what if you are capable of hurting someone or even murdering them?” There’s times where these thoughts rattle me so much that I feel like it would be better to be in prison where I couldn’t harm someone or that even being dead would be a better solution than possibly running the risk of hurting someone in my life I care about. This is about the jist of it, a majority of the OCD I have is centered around the idea that I am capable of harming my little brother physically, mentally, sexually. It’s been exhausting and it feels like there is no end in sight.

Relationship OCD

Lena1998

Date posted: 22w

Harm OCD made worse by psychiatrist visit

I went to talk to a psychiatrist based off my Nocd therapists recommendation. I had a very hard week beforehand where I had anxiety so bad I couldn't leave my bed. It seems like once I get my period my anxiety and everything dissipated some so I talked to the psychiatrist. Anyways, I was immediately put off by her because she told me she didn't have any information on me included in the referral for one reason or another. So I had to basically "fill her in" on my life story. I have anxiety disorder, panic disorder, OCD and PTSD. I told her these things and how hard the last week had been. She started asking questions like I had bipolar disorder, which I don't have. She then wanted me to take buspar and Zoloft TOGETHER daily. I know for a fact you never start two medications daily at once. You don't know which one is causing symptoms if you do. So I immediately didn't like that. I asked her about Zoloft specifically daily because it is an SSRI what I should do if it gave me thoughts of harm for myself. She told me "just go to the hospital".... Now, I don't wanna say that was the worst possible thing she could have said to me, but it was. Because now my OCD is spiraling that just my general harm OCD thoughts are enough to mean I need to go to the hospital. It had been 2 days and I cannot stop obsessing that maybe I'm depressed or suicidal because of this. I know I don't want anything to happen to me. I love my family and my friends. I am scared of death. But the thought is sticky and it's been so, so frustrating. My anxiety has been so frustrating. I feel so lost and like nothing I'm trying to fix my issues is working very well. NOCD therapy has been one of the only things to help in the long term, but I still get terrified of certain obsessions like suicide. I don't really know what to do, if anyone has any advice or any personal experience that may help, anything would be nice right now. I've felt so lost trying to figure it all out.

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My OCD Experience (Health to Harm)

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