Deleted post.

@Jay222 - You will learn that it's not you, just OCD. You'll also learn that it's not the content that matters, it's how you react to it. Thoughts are thoughts are thoughts. They are not threats or actions, only thoughts. And that goes for their byproducts-feelings, urges and images. Just thoughts.

@Jay222 - I'm not a trained therapist, only someone who has been dealing with OCD much of my life. In my mind, rumination is more of the payoff for OCD, in that the content of the thought triggers the anxiety and the need for resolution, which is how OCD gets us on its rumination treadmill. The thought/feeling, etc., is so disturbing that we spend all our time trying to find reassurance that we're not this monster OCD is suggesting. The truth is OCD is a liar and the very fact that we find these thougths so abhorrent and upsetting suggests that we are not the monster OCD portrays us to be. You will learn that you can'r reason with OCD; you can only stay in the present (what am I doing or not doing NOW) and stay in uncertainty ( I accept the uncertainty that in the future I may or may not do this horrible thing, because I don't know the future AND NEITHER DO YOU, OCD). Learning to stay in the present and stay in uncertainty are two ERP tools that, over time, take away OCD's mojo. I state OVER TIME, becaus it takes time and training, since at the beginning it's counterintuitive. At the beginng, we are all looking for absolute certainty that the vile thougth will never happen. This waters OCD's garden and only makes things worse. You are going to begin therapy. Please know that things may get worse before it gets better, but it WILL get better, so long as you work at it. This disorder will throw everything it can at you to keep you on its rumination treadmill. Stay the course, listen to your therapist and learn the ERP tools. If you therapist doesn's use ERP you ma want to find another therapist who does use it. It's considered to be the gold standard for OCD therapy and I know first-hand that it works. Is this helping you any?

@Jay222 - Great, please feel free to contact me at any time throughout your therapy journey.

@Jay222 - It's the same deal. It's like, "No, I'm not going to do it but do I want to?" Jay, it's the same treadmill, just a different twist. You'll learn that the best antidote is to say to yourself, "Maybe I do, maybe I don't, but I'm not doing it now, I'm not plotting to do it and I always have a choice. I'll worry about it if the situation ever presents itself." Then, stay off the treadmill! Yep, you'll feel like crap for awhile but sitting in discomfort and not giving into rumination makes you stronger. And the episode WILL pass. Trust me. What you're experiencing is not unusual to people with OCD. Very common. OCD attacks what and who you value and what you fear. Don't be afraid to stand up to the bully.

@Jay222 - Jay, it's the same thing. It's called the What-ifs, and its cousins AM I, WOULD I, COULD I... Again, this is not unusual, particularly with your current OCD theme.

@Jay222 - It's classic OCD. Been there, had that, still do sometimes, but I now know how to treat it. With therapy, they will diminish to a point where they're more like a spot in your rearview mirror instead of an obstruction in the road. Then, you can go on to enjoy your life.