- Date posted
- 1y
I need help. Desperately.
I can’t take it anymore. It’s so confusing and I hate it. I am a lesbian. Why can’t my ocd just leave me alone?
I can’t take it anymore. It’s so confusing and I hate it. I am a lesbian. Why can’t my ocd just leave me alone?
Honestly! I got triggered really bad when this girl said she was straight and hocd and then ended up being gay and having soocd about men. I was like “can that happen?” So it makes me feel that I will suddenly want to be with girls! 😭 C
@AyseTetik Felt! For me it’s a mix of hypersexuality and taking everything personally as a trauma response. I see a lot of discourse in my walking life, and there’s a lot of biphobia in the lesbian community and because I feel bad for bi ppl now seeing that the community sees bisexuality as a bad thing, I’m like “you only feel bad because your secretly bi and you know it. You have internalized biphobia and you are just repressing it bc you care too much about what others think” and idk. It’s just all a blur now.
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@Anonymous1234567891011 Like a year
@Anonymous1234567891011 Thank you so much. I just feel so trapped. I’m currently breaking down because I feel like I’m not a lesbian anymore. Idk
@Anonymous1234567891011 Did you ever have a moment where you’d see something homophobic and because you’re an ally, your ocd tried to use that as a reason to fuel the belief that you’re not straight? Because that happens to me frequently. I see a lot of biphobia in the lesbian community and I feel bad for bi women being hated for simply being bi and that makes me feel like “oh you must be bi then bc you take offense to what you see about bisexuals”
@Anonymous1234567891011 That’s such a relief to hear omg. It’s just… ugh. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It really helps.
@Vee <3 Hey! I have soocd too as a straight girl. It’s crazy how I’m afraid of what you enjoy, and you’re afraid of what I enjoy. Even though we both know that if you were really into it, you’d be happy. You’re not alone! X.
@AyseTetik Thank u so much!! <3 Would you like to talk more about it?
Sure! The main fear I’m having at the moment is my attraction suddenly changing from boys to girls. Not because I would care about being gay, but because i simply dont fancy girls! Is this the same for you in reverse? X
@AyseTetik Yes. Like I know for a fact that I’m not attracted to men but I get this constant fear that some day I might be or I’ll find a guy who will change that. And I detest it so much. 😭
Right! Like if I wanna support bisexuality or homosexuality I can’t because my ocd tells me im doing it because I’m part of their community and am just trying to hide it. Crazy. And yeah, it is all like a blur X
@AyseTetik U GET IT OMG. I think one thing that would help you is like… I always tell myself that the difference between denial and the ocd is the fact that even being OPEN to the IDEA of denial isn’t truly denial. If your ocd is telling you that you’re in denial and you feel like “maybe I am” and THAT gives you anxiety in and of itself, then it’s not real denial because ppl in denial wouldn’t even be open to the idea that they’re in denial.
Exactly! And I think being in denial infers that you know the truth. But I know that what ocd is telling us is lies, so it’s not possible to be in denial about it. Like, I’ve been in denial in other aspects of my life, and I know that this isn’t what denial is like! If I knew I was gay, then I would know. And I’d if be in denial but maybe I wouldn’t since I don’t think I’d wanna hide that from anyone. Even then, I’d still know deep down, right? As I do with being straight. X.
@AyseTetik Exactly! Do you also get false attraction or groinal response? Because that’s one thing that kicks my ocd out of the box.
@Vee <3 Definitely! Been experiencing it recently. And loss of attraction too! Messes with me! X
@AyseTetik It’s the absolute worst. Especially now, around the holidays. It should be a happy time yet we are instead plagued with this disorder. I do wish you gentler thoughts and at least SOME kind of relief <3
Same too you! I hope you have a fantastic Christmas and peace from ocd Xx.
@AyseTetik And the way OCD came back stronger and is now telling me I’m just bi with internalized biphobia……………….. like………….. CAN I JUST LIVE😭
@Vee <3 I get you!! Stay strong honestly! You know yourself better than anyone and anything! How was your Christmas? Xx
@AyseTetik It was alright! How was yours?
@Vee <3 It was good! Xx
As a lesbian with SO-OCD, I feel so helpless. It's truly exhausting because no one I know understands what I'm going through. The first response is always, "You're just confused" or "You don't have to know yet." But that's not the issue, I do know. I just never see any lesbians with SO-OCD so I feel so invalidated. These thoughts flood my brain constantly, forcing me to analyze my reactions to every man I see. I feel trapped in an endless cycle of "testing" myself, trying to prove that I don't like them. But my brain fights back, telling me I do want to love a man, making it feel real even though don't want it. It's terrifying. At this point, it's hard to even hold onto my identity as a lesbian because I'm so overwhelmed. I don't know if this is what real attraction is supposed to feel like, and that fear eats away at me. The truth is, when I think about being with a man, all I feel is disgust and fear-but my brain twists that into doubt. I hate it. I'm at the point where I'm scared I'm going to have to accept something I don't want because I don't know if this will ever go away. I miss who I was before all this.
hi i’m a lesbian! and i have known im a lesbian for a really long time and i have a sweet girlfriend of 1 year. it all started when i saw this masc lesbian come out as straight, after that i had my guy friend over and he’s a sweet guy and he was flirting with me (he didn’t know i was gay) im not sure but i panicked and my brain froze and i was like “do i like him”, ever since my brain has been over worked 24/7 for 2 months now and it’s spiralling constantly. im trying to control it but all these thoughts are so disgusting and my brain tries to put him and i in scenarios that make me uncomfortable and i feel panic and i hate it. i have always been comfortable being a lesbian and i still am comfortable as a lesbian, but i dislike these thoughts i have about him and men and i want it to be over. i do not want to experiment with men even tho my brain is telling me i do, i find it disgusting and i dread it, i have a sweet girlfriend and i want to be with her forever, i do not imagine anything with any men and i hate these thoughts. im scared of becoming bisexual/straight one day and i hate hearing sexuality is fluid. its a whole mix of comphet and so-ocd
First I want to start off with, as a kid, my brother touched me inappropriately, I watched him do the same with my cousin, than later on I did the same to my cousin. I feel great shame for it and I have yet to forgive myself. Now, since than 10 years later, I have always loved women, fantasized about women, constantly prayed to have one and do things to be with one 1 day. I struggled with porn a lot as a kid because I was shown it at such a young age. I remember first watching lesbian porn, than moving to guy and girl, than countdowns, etc. I was so hooked that it took an identity crisis to end this porn addiction. (I have only been sober for 3 weeks.) Now I only mention this because I think my porn addiction somewhat ruined me, same way as what I did in the past did. A year ago, I started to talk to a childhood crush I had, and things felt so great. We started to get along but I knew all I wanted to do was have sex and move on as wrong as that is. I ended up falling in love with her and asked her to be my girl. 9 months in, we were having constant arguments and she had this problem where she couldn’t give me a break. We were with each other 24/7 and it felt like dealing with a sister at some point. I remember talking to my friends and asking them what would they do and they always advised me to leave but I was not willing to because I knew I loved her and the way I was feeling was temporary and couples argue. Couple weeks in, I started to have these thoughts that we weren’t going to work out and that I no longer found her attractive. I kinda ignored them because it simply wasn’t true, I still found her attractive and would get hard ons for her yet, I still had this mindset that, “Oh, there’s other hotter girls” and, “Your ex looked so much better.” and I couldn’t stop these thoughts. One day I randomly woke up and remembered what I did as a kid, my whole world felt like it flipped. The thoughts were now, “what if you don’t like her because you’re secretly gay?”. I first laughed at the thought because of how ridiculous it sounded, but than it just kept going. Two weeks from a cycle of unwanted thoughts (1st stage of my ocd), I finally got over the thought with simple toughness and determination, I did lots of research on what was going on with me and went with the, “thoughts are just thoughts” method. I was doing well until we watch a netflix documentary “American Murder: Gabby Petito” and all of a sudden my mind began to think, “What if I’m secretly a psychopath and want to kill my gf?”. For about a week straight, It’s all I was able to think about. It scared me so much and I didn’t know what to do. I started to get urges to KILL my gf. I didn’t know what to do so I left the room and crawled up in a ball, crying to god asking for help.These thoughts went away but were quickly replaced by, “You want to kill your gf because you’re just gay”. This sent me into such great panic, I couldn’t eat for days and couldn’t feel anything but anxiety. Days went by and I finally went to a doctor, at first I started to feel better as If I was getting help and things were going to be okay. The thoughts went away again as I began to start doing more things and get out of my room (head). I felt like I was back again, I was able to love my gf, I started to go to church, I felt that god was real and than boom. Here I am again and this time things have gotten really bad. I can’t stop “checking”. As soon as I wake up I check if my gf is “good” enough for me. I check my past and see if I have ever done anything that show signs of being gay. I check out other girls and guys to see whether or not I like one or the other. Even when I accepted the possibility that maybe I am just gay, my mind will fight me and tell me that I’m more than just gay. Truth is, I don’t know anymore. I’ve always loved girls and my gf. I don’t know if this is OCD anymore but I wish for my old life again. I’ve always been so proud of my sexuality and loved everything about it. I never been homophobic but gay stuff does make me uncomfortable. Each day feels like I lost another part of me. I feel like I can’t live like this anymore. I lost all my belief in god, my morals and value feel so weak, and my life is no longer a fun enjoyable thing to look forward to. I need help.
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