false memory is actually real

I have been with my partner for 4 years now and he is the most wonderful man on the planet. We started dating when we were both 16 and now we’re 20 and going to college together. When we first started dating in november of 2019, he had a crush on this one girl but he told me that the crush went away as soon as we started dating (he friend zoned her too). He has sworn this up and down for all four years. This christmas I asked to use his phone (mine was dead) to look back on our messages to see what we did that first christmas together. the only thing is that i misclicked and read a text from his mom on that day that said (this is paraphrasing) “it’s christmas now… have you decided what you are going to do? and are you still interested in the other girl you said you just wanted to be friends with?” to which he replied “i think i’ve decided that i’m going to break it off soon. yeah, i’m interested in her but i think i burned that bridge.” I read that and had a full-blown panic attack because of the betrayal and deceit I felt in that moment. He had been lying to me, again and again, for the past four years. About the girl, about the fact that he said he’s “never had second thoughts about our relationship” and that he knew i was “the one since we first met.” He was beside me when I read the text and couldn’t come up with an excuse good enough because he was shocked too. I have no idea what I am supposed to do. We’ve tried talking, but I begin to panic every time I try and my OCD won’t let me forget about it. The worst part is that the crush is not a false memory like i thought it was all these years… it’s real and that’s worse and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

ada110

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

I am so sorry your trust has been betrayed like this. It just sucks, and hurts, and with OCD on top will be making you feel even worse than you already would do. I don't have all the answers but I have experienced betrayal and I have OCD so maybe I can speak from some experience, so here are some things that come to mind. I'm not sure if you'd call this fear you had false memory but maybe more like an anxiety about your relationship/ROCD fear maybe. But that fear came true and I know how hard that must feel if false memory is a theme that comes up for you in other ways. But do not blame yourself in any way. This is 100% on him, and his lack of honesty. Don't let yourself feel like you are in any way to blame for how you're feeling right now. The panic you're feeling is because you have a mental health condition, and because you have experienced a shock and a betrayal. Do not let yourself feel like the problem here. He should be understanding of that and sorry for how his behaviour has triggered you like this. You say you don't know what you're supposed to do... sometimes we are in shock and don't know what to do. That's ok and you can take some time to come to terms with whats happened; don't force yourself to know how you feel. You love him so it's complex. If you want to try and communicate without panicking maybe this is another reason to step away for a bit and focus on getting a bit of space so you can come to a conversation more clear-headed. I'm curious as to what he wants to do though - it sounds like he'd made up his mind... if he's trying to beg forgiveness please remember you deserve nothing less than someone who wants just you, and isn't pining for someone else. It is always difficult to rebuild trust, especially with OCD in the mix - think about what your mental wellbeing is worth to you and if that's something you want to put yourself through. I don't know if any of that helps but take time, prioritise yourself and your wellbeing, and remember what you deserve 🧡

angel.ring

Date posted: 1y

@ada110 this really does help, thank you so much 🥺 you’re so wonderful and i’m sorry you’ve been betrayed too. although, i do wonder what you mean when you say “he’d made up his mind” ?

ada110

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y

@angel.ring Sorry there wasn't enough context for me to know that, I was just inferring. I got the impression he had more or less decided to end the relationship but maybe I got that wrong. If he's saying he wants to work things out with you then I think it's important for you to remember what you deserve 🧡 and if he's saying nothing... Well... he owes you an explanation. You sound like you're trying to take a mature approach and wanting to talk things through, he owes you the same and he owes it to you to know where you stand.

scrambled

Date posted: 22w

False memory surrounding a real event?

So. I was in a traumatic relationship. for a long time. it was filled with gaslighting, manipulation, abuse, cheating ect. I would OBSESS over finding out where they were, what they were doing, who they were talking too. but I couldn’t leave. I tried so hard but I never could. they would call me names, physically hurt me, throw things, break things. because I would question them all the time. but I just couldn’t leave. no matter what I knew. they would manipulate me. I fell for their childhood trauma. it’s like I lost all logic. but I also feel like I have a pretty good memory with memories. not all the way, but remembering a lot of the traumatic things. especially now that I’m no longer with them. I keep remembering things that’s happened. even from my childhood. one time way before I even started dating this person, I had an intrusive thought about a friend of mine. that was with me. and I freaked out. I thought I had acted on the intrusive thought the next day. I asked my friend for confirmation but they said nothing happened. but the memories about it feel SO REAL. so VIVID. but they swore that nothing happened and they had no idea what I was talking about. I’ve struggled with intrusive thoughts for my whole life. so fast forward to now, that ‘false memory’ from my friend randomly popped up and I started obsessing about it, and my childhood ‘memories’ that have popped up. and then I was reading an article of someone doing something horrible, and then it sounded ‘familiar’ and so then I’ve created this whole memory of me doing something similar to the article involving my partner doing it also. the memory keeps adding new things and conversations around it. when it involves an actual real memory. but it’s like it’s been twisted from what I remembered before. I also suffer from bad anxiety. I’ve stalked pictures. my search history to figure out what I was doing that say when the real event happened. and I’ve found some things but I can’t look through my texts because I got a new phone. it has been hounding me for months. MONTHS. trying to figure out if this new ‘memory’ is real or not. if it’s been fabricated by an intrusive thought from reading the article and thinking ‘what if’ or if it actually happened and because I’m no longer in this relationship it’s a ‘repressed memory’ but the thing is I have horrible horrible anxiety and I don’t think I could have gone this long knowingly that that happened without remembering it until now. because I remember a lot of the horrible things that they did. this ‘memory’ is fuzzy, but it brings me horrible anxiety when I think of it, like I feel like it happened. but I also feel like it didn’t happen. because I know I would never do anything like that. but WHAT IF I DID, because I was manipulated. idk. is this a false memory. I really need help. because it’s been debilitating. that relationship was really traumatic. and I got manipulated into a lot of things. but I wouldn’t have just went forward knowing that that happened??? there’s no way I could have just forgotten it. because before when I would think about that night it was different, until now. but what if I just made myself forget what truly happened?? I’m a pretty self aware individual, but somehow that relationship really REALLY put me into a trance somehow where I allowed things that I have no idea how I would even allow because before I met that person I would have never allowed someone to cheat on my constantly or talk to me the way they did. or allow abuse. like I don’t understand it.

JazzyRoses

Date posted: 22w

Being Cheated On OCD

Hi everyone! I have been having a rough time. So my boyfriend talks to his ex still as friends and I’ve been struggling with it lately and I can’t tell if it’s OCD or not but it does feel so distressing. She wasn’t texting him for about 2-3 months as she got into a relationship with this guy and they broke up. She had messaged him saying that she has no one else to talk to and needed to vent to someone. At first I felt okay, but my intrusive thoughts took over and it seemed like she was trying to get with him after the fact. It’s probably just my intrusive thoughts talking but he looks on Discord (the app where the message) constantly now and my intrusive thoughts convince me that he’s still in love with her. Then yesterday I saw one of his BeReals (a little photo app that shows a photo of the day) and I saw that he was watching one of her streams as she is a streamer. I struggled to talk about it because it made my worst thought feel like it came true where he is still in love with her. When we talked he gets a lil mad that I don’t tell him right away like straight up what I’m feeling but it’s hard to process because my thoughts flood in of all the worst things and I don’t want to come off as toxic at all and I know relationships are built on trust and I want to trust because this is literally the only thing that makes me nervous about him. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been cheated on before so I’m trying to protect myself but I’m lost. I get so depressed and so anxious because I feel like I have to grieve the relationship and it’s just so dramatic. I’ve never loved anyone like this before and I don’t wanna lose him by bringing this stuff up constantly when something occurs with his ex. I don’t know why I get triggered so easily and I just wanna heal from it and be the good girlfriend I’m supposed to be 😭

User17annon

Date posted: 19w

Please help 😞

I have false memory real event ocd, I’ve been married 13 years and I used to constantly bring up past mistakes from when we were dating and it RUINED our marriage, but I got medication and therapy and things got better untill a few weeks ago where everything crumbled. I have a memory that is 13 years ago of me being intimate with my husband (than boyfriend) while being intimate I have a memory of sending a text to a male who obviously liked me but I didi not while my husband was under the covers . And I keep thinking over and over how disgusting and inappropriate it was to do that especially doing it in the middle of being intimate 😞. I have confessed this to my husband last year and he didint believe me saying it’s probably a made up memory and would are not a slut and wouldn’t do that. Now i have guilt all over again for weeks and it’s taking such a toll on me it’s all I think about and try to remember every detail I’ve thought about it so much I don’t even know if it’s 100 percent true. But I can vividly see it when I close my eyes. How do I get over this guilt without confessing? Confessing would absolutely destroy my husband.

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false memory is actually real

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