- Date posted
- 1y
I don’t know anymore.
I feel like I’ve lost myself completely. I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore. This disorder is making me feel like I’ve lost everything.
I feel like I’ve lost myself completely. I don’t know who I am or what I want anymore. This disorder is making me feel like I’ve lost everything.
Yeah, this disorder has a tendency to do that. It's convinced me that I'm many things that I'm not. Ranging from trans, gay, bi, to asexual. Needing an answer also hurt my recovery. Especially when it's something that's at the core of who you are, such as Sexual Orientation. So, you aren't alone in the loss of identity.
@ZTValen Did you recover?
@ZTValen Trans ocd so hard
@sara_0209 In the sense that my themes don't control my life. The intrusive thoughts are still there, but I'm better equipped to handle them.
@star1232 It is, but OCD is hard in general. Working on your exposures would probably help.
@ZTValen Can you help me ?
@star1232 To some extent, I can give you some advice on what I did for exposures or talk about what I experienced going through TOCD. But, keep in mind, I'm not a licensed mental health professional.
@ZTValen Would appreciate letting me know how you kept your mind positive threw this. I’m dealing with the same, started with soocd/harm but threw a soocd panic I got tocd and I heard they can overlap. I freaked myself out it’s just wild how ocd waits for you to break down and it just got worse.
@ZTValen What did it feel like for you that you were convinced to be gay?
@ZTValen Yes I know
@sara_0209 Not pleasant, I can say that much. For me, I know I like women, I'm married to one. But your brain keeps pushing that one thought. It feels like an upheaval of your life. Wrought with anxiety and stress, mixed with identity loss.
@Anonymous For me, I have a strong support system - my wife, specifically. I also keep myself busy with work, hobbies, etc. And I keep working on my exposures, no matter how unpleasant. Trusting and knowing that ERP will help me through this is what keeps me going.
@star1232 Alright, whatever you want to chat about, feel free! I can't guarantee I'll be much help, but I'll try! (That, and I'm off to get a tetanus shot, so I'll be back after that)
@ZTValen Ok, do u have insta ? Or any other app than this
@star1232 Unfortunately, not really. I'm a tad on the older and reserved side, so I kinda keep off of most forms of social media. 🙃
@ZTValen Hey @ztvalen recently been struggling bad with tocd and soocd. I remember you said you can chat with someone I just want to know your tools and just have some questions if I’m able too that would be awesome. Thank you
feel this 100 percent
Been feeling the same. You'll be okay, remember, ocd has it's ups and downs! X.
@AyseTetik Thank you! I’ve been getting better however the intrusive thoughts are still there and I’m so confused and feel like deep down I like or want what I imagine :( it’s so hard and I’m so tired :(
@Vee <3 That’s what I’m dealing with right this second! Just intrusive thoughts about women and my ocd is deep down telling me I want it. It’s not causing anxiety which can be even scarier but at the moment I couldn’t care less what it’s saying sometimes because it’s the same cycle each time lol! It is difficult! I know just how you feel! Make sure you just treat the thoughts as thoughts! X.
I miss when I wasn't ruminating 24/7, waking up with horrible anxiety or spending all day doing compulsions. Even when I try so hard to resist them I just end up in a spiral. I miss when I was comfortable in my nonbinary identity and didn't have TOCD and now everything feels wrong and conflicting. I miss when I wasn't depressed and disabled. I know I can never get that person back. I haven't seen that person since high school. Ive spent years with this disorder and i havent gotten better despite therapy and meds. I don't know if I'll ever be happy again.
I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.
I feel different from others, I don’t feel as feminine and I feel like I’ve changed. I’m not sure why I feel this way. I also don’t think my ocd is ocd, it’s just something I told myself to feel better. I know! What if I am what if I’m not, I get it, but I don’t feel like i have a choice in the matter anymore. I have soocd and it’s eaten me alive for years. I woke up out of my sleep and got triggered and here I am. I don’t know what I feel anymore. I always wanted a boyfriend and now It seemed to change. I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that I don’t see anything for myself and I feel like I’m hiding. It’s hard to explain. Plus sometimes the way I move or speak makes me feel more masculine and it kills me. Im feeling so lost and alone right now. I know what I want deep down but I feel incapable of having those things because I won’t be able to have feeling. If that makes sense.
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