I don’t know anymore.

Hi everyone. I’ve been struggling deeply with what I believe is ROCD for about a year and a half. I’ve read so much, I’ve learned about ERP, I know that I’m supposed to let the thoughts and feelings pass without reacting — but even knowing all of that, I feel stuck. More than stuck — I feel broken. Lately, I can’t stop thinking that maybe I never loved my boyfriend. That I only loved the idea of being in a relationship, and now I’m just trying to hold on to a fantasy. These thoughts feel incredibly real. When I’m next to him, kissing or cuddling him, I feel like I’m faking it. And that scares me. It feels like something inside me changed and I can’t go back. And now I can’t even remember what love felt like — it’s like I’ve lost myself completely. Yesterday was especially painful. I was overwhelmed and my mom, who usually notices when I’m not okay, tried to talk to me. She loves me a lot and has been carrying her own burdens lately. When she saw how much pain I was in, she reacted strongly — not because she doesn’t care, but because it hurts her to see me like this every day. She told me I might be lying to myself. That I’m hurting both myself and my boyfriend by holding on if I don’t feel love. She asked me to imagine what I would feel if he broke up with me — and I couldn’t answer. I froze. The thing is, I don’t know what I want anymore. I feel hopeless. I try to remember good memories and feel nothing. I used to cry when we said goodbye — now I feel numb. It makes me think that maybe I’ve always been in denial. That maybe everything I believed was love was just me forcing it. And yet… I still don’t want to lose him. But even that feeling feels far away now. These thoughts aren’t just whispers anymore. They feel like truths screaming in my head. “You don’t like him.” “You don’t love him.” “You’re just used to him.” “It was all fake.” And I can’t stop ruminating. Every second of my day is consumed with doubt, fear, guilt, sadness, emptiness — and above all, confusion. I just want to know if anyone else has felt this. Felt like they were losing everything, like nothing feels real anymore, like they’re trying so hard to do the right thing and nothing works. I’m trying to sit with the feelings. I’m trying not to seek reassurance. But I also need support. I feel so alone in this. Thank you for reading.

Idk how to caption it other than that. My whole life I’ve had an issue with memory hoarding and the upside has been that I have a really vivid memories of my childhood and I get to remember my best days, the main downside has always been I have a lot of childhood trauma too and I remember every detail meticulously like I can relive and reanalyze them which has caused issues in my healing. However as much pain as it is to remember bad things so well it’s always been a bit of a comfort bc at least I know for sure even if other people don’t know or don’t believe. But as of lately I I’ve been forgetting things, whether it’s what time I’m supposed to work (and I have compulsions when checking my work schedule bc I’m always scared of reading it wrong so I usually open it up read it close it and open it up again 2-3 times so I usually KNOW) or what day it is, or just small things that I don’t remember saying or doing that other people swear on. I just have always felt like I know at the very least I know and lately I don’t and I’m so scared of going crazy and losing myself like literally my biggest fear. So I hate this. Today is Friday I was convinced yesterday was Friday and I woke up today for my Saturday shift completely convinced today was Saturday. I hate being wrong and making those small mistakes because it’s terrifying to think about what else I’m remembering wrong, or what else do I not “know” that isn’t actually the truth? I’m just so scared of losing myself mind. Has anyone ever experienced anything like this?

I spiraled about something a few days ago and since then I feel like I'm in a completely different mood. I used to be very happy about who I was but right now I feel like the complete opposite. I feel embarrased about everythingggg I do. And then Instarted obsessing over certainty and now I feel like I can't be certain about anything. I feel like I lost my whole personality is gone and my OCD is off the charts. BUT surprisingly I feel much less anxious than before. I don't know what to do. I'm starting to consider taking medication. I'm scared.