Looking for someone to understand

I’m Moriah, I just downloaded this app and I’ve been experiencing some pretty intense feelings and I’ve created pretty bad habits. Not too long ago I was having a conversation with a friend and what we were talking about made me realized that when I was young I was touched by a close friend. It became a central thought and I fell into a deep depression because of it. I felt dirty, betrayed, confused, angry, and lost. I had told no one but the friend that I talked to about it. I had anxiety and depression diagnosed before this and was hospitalized at one point for an attempt before I even knew about the sa( around 6 or 7). I didn’t understand myself and who I was. I didn’t know who I wanted to be I was scared and lost. my dad and mom weren’t very helpful around this time because I would refuse the medication my doctor had prescribed. I didn’t know why I did but I hated my therapist and I hated my parents for the extra attention I was getting after the hospital. But at the same time I needed someone to try and help me understand what I was going through. They gave up giving me medication, my doctor never followed up and my therapist never asked for another appointment. Even though I was the one that rejected all of it I felt abandoned and forgot about. I did every now and then when it got bad ask my mom to schedule an appointment with my old therapist and she said she would, but she never did. A couple years go by and I give up. Around this time was when I found out about the sa. and I eventually told my dad. My moms getting me back into therapy and I think I understand myself a little better but I still can’t seem to grasp who I am and what my personality is. Everyone I tell looks at me like I’m genuinely insane. my parents don’t understand I even got bold enough to say something about it. nobody understands and I’m hopeful someone on here does. That someone else went through the same thing I did. And feels similar to how I do. It’s so hard to explain how I feel and this is my last resort. But I feel slow and stupid, that everyone knows something is wrong with my and my friends are only there out of pity. all because of how I think about myself. I started pulling at my hair. And I do when I get anxious or (now) when I focus, also sometimes subconsciously I’ll catch myself doing it. I don’t know how to stop and I need someone that understands.

cetse

Date posted: 1y

Hi Moriah, I'm Noelia nice to meet you and thank you for telling this. I have problems with that kind of thought too and pulled at my hear for years. I just wanted to tell you that this is something that happens in the same way to a lot of people, you are not going crazy (my opinion at least). I see it like a natural mechanism of defense. Sometimes we focus so much in the problem (we want to stop having it! It's totally normal) that we gave power to it. I mean, i used to think a lot that i was almost bald for pulling my hair and i worried about that a lot but never worried about how my life was going. Once things got better the hair thing also got better. It's called trichotillomania , the hair thing, a lot of people can understand you bc they have the same condition

moriahfurman

Date posted: 1y

@cetse Thank you for commenting, how do I even start to try and stop?

cetse

Date posted: 1y

@moriahfurman Try not to get obsessed and just maybe look for changes in your life. If you're in stressful situations and can avoid them someway (for example i stopped when i changed friends. Mines were very toxic to me). It's a different journey for everyone. Sometimes there is nothing you can do for a few years because of our lack of independence and then you just have to be kind to yourself and wait patiently. I got a lot better at nineteen when my environment also got better

hen7

Date posted: 1y

Hi Moriah, welcome to the app. Please know that all your feelings are valid here, no matter what they are. I personally haven’t gone through what you haven’t gone through, but friends have, and I think what you’re feeling is very normal after such an experience. I also think that at least a percentage of people on this app have gone through what you went through. It can literally happen to anyone and there is no excuse for people who assault others. Yet many victims feel like there is something wrong with them and/or engage in some form of self harm. So know that there is nothing wrong with you. You were wronged and that had an impact on you. I have a different kind of trauma and I know that in those circumstances we naturally start to behave in ways that we think will keep us safe or give us peace, even though they might not be what we normally would have done. What kind of therapy are you doing now? I hope this person can guide you on this journey of self discovery. You don’t have to have it figured out right now and these things take time. I don’t know how old you are, but it’s also never too late to rediscover yourself. I have friends of 40 and 50+ who are going through such a phase right now. I truly only figured out what I wanted to do with my life around 27 and you will keep discovering new aspects of yourself throughout your entire life. As for the hair pulling, that’s also a very common behaviour in both ocd and trauma. I personally bite pieces off my nails and lips and I guess that’s kind of the same feeling of wanting to get rid of tension and unrest. The nail biting got a lot less after finally starting therapy at 26 though. I wish the same for you. Please know you’re not alone in your journey. Many women (and also men!) have gone through what you went through. And many as children. I have met a lot of people with this story, unfortunately.

moriahfurman

Date posted: 1y

@hen7 Thank you so much, I’m 15 and I talk to someone but I don’t feel connected to them and they don’t seem to understand. this is so comforting to know that it’s atleast something someone else has gone through and is going through, it makes it less lonely but how do I stop the hair pulling? or the bad habits.

hen7

Date posted: 1y

@moriahfurman In OCD the method to stop doing compulsive behaviour is Exposure and Response Prevention therapy (ERP). This is part of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, CBT. This means that you expose yourself to scary things and then don’t do your safety behaviours. For example: someone can be afraid of germs so they wash their hands too much and too often. In therapy they’d have to touch everything around them and not wash their hands. (That is preventing the response to the distress) This takes practise as it’s scary to do. But actions are very powerful for our brain. Once it learns that you will do what you *want* to do, and not the safety behaviours, it will start to send you less distressing thoughts. (Since you’re not going to do anything with them anyway) In your case, I’d try to find other behaviours that are comforting but also good for you. Sounds like you’ll run into exposures automatically whenever you feel the need to pull your hair. And then choosing to do the new habit and not pull your hair is your repsonse prevention. Not pulling your hair probably feels *very* frustrating, but that’s normal. And actually you want that feeling to be pretty strong, too. That is the most powerful learning experience for your brain. It’s trying to keep you “safe” and “feeling well” in an unhelpful way so it needs to learn that we want to do other behaviours instead. Some ideas for other behaviours: - Make a nice cup of tea - Sit under a blankie with a favourite book or series. Bonus points for candles or relaxing music. - Breathing and relaxing exercises. The internet is full of them. I find that I often breath too shallow and I especially don’t breathe out fully. Letting all the air out and dropping your shoulders is very relaxing sometimes. - Warm shower (I’m always cold). This is where it’s good to practise staying present and give our body peaceful touch instead of the hair pulling. Pay attention to the water on your skin and buy a good smelling and soft shower gel that feels nice. Try and create me-moments like this. - And my personal favourite: plushies!! I have a big, soft shark plushie that’s perfect to hug whenever I’m stressed. Ways to distract yourself if the urge for hair pulling feels too strong to ignore: - Name everything around you that’s green (or another colour) - Count back in your head from 100 to 0 in steps of 7 (or any number) - Name 5 things you can see right now, 5 things you can hear, 5 things you can smell, 5 things you can feel etc. These are all things to bring you in the present and that need a lot of brain power to help keep your mind off of other things like distressing thoughts and hair pulling. The hair pulling probably gives you a hit of dopamine in your brain while the other, new behaviours will not give you the same, strong reaction in your brain, so it will really take some time for you to successfully quit the hair pulling since the urge is so strong. Practising often and in different kinds of situations will help you a lot. Bad days and “relapses” are part of the deal too, so expect them to happen so they don’t shock you. Keep a little tracker on how many times you’ve managed to not pull your hair and celebrate your progress every day, even if it’s just 1x. Beating yourself up about it is not going to work. Your brain is trying to keep you from harm; so things like these might be bad for you but it’s really no use to punish yourself for them or see them as “bad” or “sinful” or whatever. If you could easily quit them you’d have done it already. This might be extra hard to keep in mind whenever other people tell you to stop or call it “nasty” or “bad” or whatever. (Since you live with your parents you might be dealing with that, too) It would be helpful if your parent supported you in your efforts to exchange the behaviours for other behaviours, by encouraging and praising you and reminding you of your progress. I hope your relationship with them is good enough for them to help you with this. Something to discuss with them, maybe. Sorry to hear you don’t feel like you’ve got a good match with your therapist. I don’t know in which country you live, but you probably have a right to ask for another therapist. It’s what I would do. I know that’s very hard, but if you feel like the therapy is stagnating because of this then I’d try it. If this person is professional they’ll not take it personally and they would want you to have the best care, too. I’d talk to your parents about it. Hang in there. Your age and puberty and stuff are making it extra hard right now, too. Puberty was the worst for me, esp 13-16. It does get much better, especially when you eventually go out on your own and you can make all your own decisions. That’s also the time that you further develop your identity and find out how you want to live your own way. In high school that’s often very hard to do I’ve found. So don’t feel like you have to have everything figured out, yet. You’re 15, there’s PLENTY of time for all that. :) Sorry for the text wall, lol. I tend to ramble. 😂 Take care! ❤️

hen7

Date posted: 1y

@moriahfurman Oh and sidenote: there seems to be a link between “Body Focused Repetitive Behaviours” and ocd. But they’re not the same thing. I know that for BFRB other forms of CBT are used, like “habit reversal training”. That’s not focused on exposing yourself to stuff but learning how to deal with triggers in another way than the behaviours you want to quit. For example by exchanging them for another behaviour. The examples I gave are more to relax, but you can also do behaviours in the moment you feel the urge to pull your hair. From what I’ve read this involves things like sitting on your hands, clenging your fists etc.

moriahfurman

Date posted: 1y

@hen7 Your such i big help. Thank you, I do like books and I always carry one so I’ll be sure to open it to distract myself next time:)

your strong

Date posted: 22w

Can you relate?

Hi this my first time ever hearing about this app n i downloaded it because lately my ocd been really bad and I feel I can’t have control over it it scares me because I sometimes hurt people around me when I don’t mean to for example my bf everytime something goes well my head just starts spinning in circles with bad thoughts n wanting to ruin stuff with him lowkey I messed up big times bc I let this time my thoughts win me over n took everything off on him without thinking n realizing how bad I had affected him it kills me because everytime I think im jus a weak person bc I always let everything get to me I’m jus so scared because now my head jus tells me your not good enough your gonna lose him this literally jus happens when something positive comes in my head or something good happens always jus wanna ruin it I hate it because I always believe my thoughts instead of him not because I don’t want to but because also of my past n trauma jus fucks it even more from the deep of my heart i believe him but my head reacts differently n lets it out n now am in the situation of knowing I can lose him any minute now even tho am putting my faith in god n trying my hardest to think positive n be better everyday I’m really trying but w ocd it’s so hard n jus get scared n let my thoughts get to me😞 idk what to do anymore

carrotroot12

Date posted: 13w

Rant (all over the place)

i’ve been dealing with SOCD for 5 years and truly believe it has altered my life completely😀. i haven’t been properly diagnosed but the child therapist I had when i was in hs kind of hinted to me i had something more than just plain anxiety. i’ve also dealt with intrusive thoughts all throughout my childhood and as my family life got worse my anxiety got worse annnd i started getting more and more thoughts that wouldn’t leave me. I remember spending months not swallowing right and practically starving myself bc i kept thinking i was going to choke. i also rmbr spending months worrying ab death and dying EVERYDAY. it woke up with horrible anxiety and it was all i could think about. i can still rmbr sitting in my grandpas chair and just staring off and thinking “im going to die one day” “idk what’s going to happen” “is god real” “i don’t want to die” “what if there is no heaven” and so on. when the socd thoughts started i was 15. i searched around online for help and found reddit and i was like “omg yes finally people who understand and are going through EXACTLY what im going through.” finding that community and this app has helped me so much. anyway i had such a horrible time during my teenage years bc of all the intrusive thoughts about my sexuality, my relationship (glad that’s over), and some other things here and there. i was so so depressed and i felt no one around me understood how fucking awful i felt. i woke up everyday anxious, depressed, numb, and exhausted. when i started college i told my old therapist that even tho im extremely afraid of death i just didnt like living. i would cry in my car before class and just sob ab how awful i felt. although my mental health has gotten SO much better as time went on and the thoughts haven’t been as frequent im definitely not doing well. i am literally stuck. i’m still in college but i don’t know what to do with myself. those years of anxiety and depression have left me STUCK. im so much happier? and i can manage the thoughts way better but i don’t want to do anything. i only talk to 2 friends (literally lost so many great friendships), i RARELY drive bc im afraid ill die in a car crash (only to school and back), i don’t go out, i don’t ask for help at school, i avoid conversations, i avoid ppl in general, i don’t put in that much effort into school, i don’t have hobbies, i don’t want to do anything, i literally have the worst social anxiety now, im afraid of everything. i feel like the only reason im “ok” now is bc i’ve avoided literally everything. i’ve basically spent three years of my life doing nothing. i’m not happy with where i am in my life but im so scared to do anything. i miss who i was before all of this. i’ve been dealing with anxiety all my life and ik my childhood and early teen years made me like this. i didn’t know how to deal with the things i went through/saw as a little kid and i guess everything exploded in my teen years. but i want to be better i want to start LIVING. i’m definitely happier than before but im not living. what frustrates me is i refuse to do anything about it. i know a big reason why i don’t experience as many intrusive thoughts is bc i avoid everything 😭. ik what i have to do to get better and turn my life around BUT I WONT DO ANYTHING. idk how to explain this but its not laziness i feel like my body is exhausted. i think im just so traumatized from feeling so fucking horrible for so many years i just shut down ykwim?? i don’t have any libido, i don’t find ppl attractive, i can’t get myself to do the things im interested in (so many books r piled on my floor), i rot all day, i push off my responsibilities till the last minute, i can’t even get myself to go on a small walk. i don’t know where i was going w this but if someone who’s going through the same thing sees this ur not alone. i just needed to get this out. hopefully one day things will get better.

L0ng16aelak

Date posted: 10w

Unsure if I even have OCD

Hello, I’m new to this app. I’ve always had an anxious brain, and I’ve had coping mechanisms for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, from as early as I could spell, until I was probably early teens, I would constantly write words in my head along to the beat of music. It’s such a vivid memory because I never stopped doing it. The word had to perfectly match up to the lyric and I loved that it kept my brain busy. I grew out of that, but felt like good context. My anxiety increased drastically around ages 17-19, and I began therapy. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and panic disorder, due to having a panic attack nearly every day at that time. I overcame that as well, and now the panic attacks are every now and then, but the anxiety is constant, and some recent symptoms have led me to believe I might have some form of OCD. Maybe not. I’m trying to understand myself and get better so I joined this app to make sense of things. Lately I’ve been having really intense intrusive thoughts. I’m really embarassed and they make me feel like a bad person. Thoughts pop in my head seemingly out of nowhere. It will be an image of me harming myself or someone else in a really bad way. (Trigger warning) for example the other day I couldn’t shake the image of me putting a knife through my own forehead, although it’s not something I want to do. Or I’ll imagine someone killing me. I imagine my loved ones dying often. The thoughts feel so out of my control it’s insane. I hate them. Another persistent issue that isn’t as new is replaying social scenarios. I’m a hairstylist so this one is difficult since I meet a bunch of new people every day. I obsess over how I act and if people like me. I will impulsively say things all the time and they will haunt me for weeks. I question even my closest friends and family who show their love. I find myself so angry and numb and like I have so much built up emotion and a busy mind always. While doing my job I spiral really badly if any little thing goes wrong and it’s embarassing. I know there’s more but I can’t think of it now. I just want to feel better and like I’m not constantly battling my mind.

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