Help

I know I shouldn’t and I’m trying not to ask for reassurance but how do I deal with this when I made real event mistakes in childhood? I’ve opened up to my cousin about this who’s an adult and believes that kids can be influenced at a young age and mimic things that they see and friends and my therapist. They all see the good in me and my stupid childhood mistakes but the guilt is very strong and even though I’ve opened up It’s telling me to open up more and more and I don’t know what else it wants from me.

TW: Trauma , ab*se( I dont want to trigger anyone,I hope I won't) I just cant move on from a horrible mistake.When I was 16 a kid told me another kid hurt them.It was very bad.It was an abuse..and I didnt do anything.And honestly I am scared, Idk what to do right now.I want to apologise because I didnt help them..to apologise to their parents, tell them, but I am scared they will blame me( ik,I am a foul) .I am ashamed because I am scared.I could have helped the kid and I didnt.And the fact that the kid trusted me and I didnt help them is killing me.I am so sorry.I want to apologise , do something now,but it might be too late and I dont want to trigger or scare the kid.And since then I got the same ,horrible , repetitive thoughts when I see the kid: what happened, how I didn't help, how terrible it must been, especially because they trusted me.I cant stop these thoughts.Is a cycle.I am thinking that I am complice because I didn't help and that I am a criminal and should be punished.I will go to a therapist soon and Idk how to start telling them about these thoughts.I wish I can go back in time...

*PLEASE READ* *any help appreciated* So I work with kids and it’s a lightning rod for triggering my POCD. I work with a mental health org that supports kids with autism and other intellectual development disorders. And so I’ve grown really close with one kid since I started since I was his first ever staff and he was the first ever kid I worked with. I’ve grown really protective of him and we’ve become really close and our relationship truly means the world to me. But before I get into my little incident, I have to provide context: so I am hypersexual and struggle with compulsive masturbation and my urges are almost uncontrollable sometimes. I have a lot of trauma from foot fetish stuff/pornography as a kid and it’s carried on into my adult life unfortunately. And so as I was waking up my kid and trying to get him out of bed to get him into the shower (I usually give him a few extra minutes but if he’s uncooperative I have to pull him out of bed gently) and so I just shift him by his legs bc it’s easiest. And my urges and thoughts have been so bad lately and when he wasn’t cooperating, as I was shifting his legs today, his foot touched my private area and I carried on normally but now I feel like a monster and everything I fear. I need some advice bc I’m scared to even talk to my therapist about this bc I think I will go to jail. I don’t want to be like this and I hate POCD so much and I rlly care so much for this kid and would actually die for him to protect him. I just need someone to tell me I’m not crazy bc idk if that contact between us was intentional or not and I have not spiraled like this for so long. I truly am losing my mind and want to give up bc I know I am not the person my POCD tells me I am but now I feel like I am everything it calls me. I feel so ashamed and repulsed and disgusted in myself and wish I didn’t exist. I feel like I’ve exploited my kid and taken advantage of him and that I don’t deserve to have him in my life and that I don’t even deserve to life and would be better off in jail or dead. im so broken and I’m sorry if what im saying is confusing