It’s so difficult

Hello everyone. I have been having horrible thoughts ever since I turned 13, and now I’m almost 16, and still having them. When I turned 13, the thoughts were constant and nearly drove me to kill myself. I thought about killing my family and pets constantly, but, worst of all, especially my mother. Now, I sleep with my door closed to try to stop the thoughts and to keep from hearing or seeing my mom or dad. I love my parents and pets, especially my mother— she’s an amazing woman, and has done so much for me, but yet I’m still having these damn thoughts. I was at a bad school when I was 13, and then moved to another when I was 14. After a switched schools, the thoughts gradually began to lessen, but every few months, they get really bad again for a few weeks (I still have them daily out of those bad few weeks, but when they get bad, they get bad.) I’m currently going through one of those spurts. I have tried to talk to my dad about getting help, and even though he said that he’ll look for a therapist, it’s been nearly a year, and I still haven’t gotten help. I desperately want these thoughts to stop because I feel like a horrible person and I love my parents, family, and pets so much, but I’m terrified of opening up to my dad and telling him everything that I think about (I also have thoughts about sexually abusing children, but I don’t want to do it! I’m not attracted to children whatsoever, but I’m still thinking about it.) My self-esteem is absolutely horrible, and I feel like a monster for thinking about these things. I’m very much a daddy’s girl, and if he is disgusted or angry at me, then I honestly don’t know how I’d handle it. I really, really need help, but just don’t know how to go about doing it (I’ve thought about going to the school councilor, but they’ve made it known that, if they’re concerned about a student, that they’ll either contact their parents or the police.) My dad has said to just calm down and relax, but I literally can’t. We have mental illnesses on my mom’s side, and many of those people take pills, and when I’ve talked to my dad about my anxiety and depression, he’s said that pills aren’t the answer. Honestly, at this point I don’t care what treatment I get— all I care about is these thoughts stopping. I’m sorry if this is rambling and a little confusing, but my mind is all over the place right now. Any suggestions would be very much appreciated.

It’s probably desensitization but I’m scared I’m getting worse and worse. My morals feel like they’ve been hijacked and I’m scared I’m turning into a bad person. Nothing really disgusts me enough anymore. I’m so tired. When all of this started, I was still able to do things normally even if it felt like I had a weight on my head but it got better. Until I had an intrusive thought about looking for CSEM which has just gotten worse because it’s like it’s turned into an urge. I’m worried at some point (sooner or later), I’m gonna end up doing it. Or I have the scary thought of what if I want to and I’ll regret NOT ever seeing it which is also gross. And I’ve heard about people running into it on social media somehow which then triggers this screwed up sense of morbid curiosity about how that would even end up on social media without being flagged/removed and the thought of “what if you went looking for it there” - I just want it to stop!!! I feel like I can’t even live life now because the thought/urge is there every single day and I can’t escape. Nothing brings me joy - I’m empty all of the time. I can’t make myself play a game or watch a show because I can’t focus and I feel almost nothing towards them. And even if I did feel happy, it wouldn’t last long before being ripped away again. I’m worried I have some sort of addiction to be having this thought every day of “look for it, do it, you have to know” - but I shouldn’t? I’ve cut back immensely on a lot of NSFW stuff and what little I do see (like in books) doesn’t seem to trigger me. This thought actually started happening after multiple accounts of hearing people being prosecuted for having that sort of material (people talk about exes or husbands of friends and whatnot having done that and you also hear about famous people sometimes - it’s everywhere and I’m so sick of hearing about it all of the time because I’m worried I’m gonna end up BEING one of those people). It will not go away even if I stop paying it any mind and I’m frightened all the time now. I feel disgusting and I’m afraid I’m a horrible person. I feel cursed and I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to be disgusted and opposed again and it just isn’t happening! 😞 even now I feel like an imposter posting here because it doesn’t seem like OCD anymore, I’m just gross and out of control like some freak. I feel like I’m gonna have to cut my life short to avoid it happening (but I’m also too scared to do that and I WANT to live but it just feels like I won’t be able to “help myself” which is no excuse but that’s how it feels). I’m not gonna do it at the moment (like I said, I’m too scared) but it feels like I deserve it and it’s the only outcome for me. It feels like too much to do anything because what if I snap?? What if I get too curious?? I’m just so done with all of this - I feel like I’m gonna explode. And no amount of people saying “I don’t think you’ll do it” would make me feel better. I just don’t know what to do - I can’t get therapy, I can’t tell anyone. I’m so alone and it feels like mental torture

I got into porn when I was around 14 or 15 I think and it just got very bad for a few years and I have a lot of guilt and worry for the things that I saw and touched myself to. I came across some bad things. I stopped all of that but I can’t get over the guilt from my teenage years. It bothers me all day long and disrupts my sleep now too. It leaks into my dreams. I just woke up from a dream related to that probably because I worry all day. Life is not enjoyable anymore all I do is worry in my head and say affirmations to try to make myself feel better. Right now I’m worried about so many things but specifically I’m worried what if someone I saw in a video was way younger? I remember being on xvideos as a teen and wanting to imagine myself with other people my age and I know I’m worried what if I watched something on there where the people were younger??? I think I remember putting teens in the search bar and it scares me because even though I was a teen myself I feel like that is wrong now and I’m worried about what I may have watched. I’m giving up on myself more everyday. I know I have zero attraction to minors and I know back then as a teenager I was not attracted to anyone anyone not around my age but I worry so much about things I watched and came across. I wish I had never watched porn as a teenager it has ruined my life and it haunts me every day. And also horrible fan fiction stories and other stories people wrote online that haunt me too. I’m worried I can’t ever recover or find help and I feel like I’m going to go to jail or end up k1lling myself one day because I can’t deal with it. I worry when I’m not crying or having too much anxiety I feel like I need to constantly be in distress and I am not allowed to enjoy anything or have anything. I don’t want anything anymore. I don’t want to do anything anymore accept just sit and worry and feel myself I hate myself. I feel ashamed to be around my family and anytime they do anything for me my brain goes “they don’t know they’re hugging a monster” “they don’t know they’re supporting a monster” and I just can’t take it. I want to find joy in life again. I would do anything just to be a normal person and not have had any of this happen and not have these worries. I feel like a mess every day I look so gross and I feel so gross and I feel like nobody can help me. I’m getting help soon but I just feel like it’s too late and like I’ve ruined myself and I just don’t feel good about the future. I feel like I am going to get sent away and that will hurt my family or end myself eventually and that would hurt them. I don’t want to hurt my family or anyone. I question how I could have ever been that person and what was wrong with me. I keep thinking back to things that happened before I was a teenager and I’m like does that count as trauma or something? Could this be why?? But also I don’t want to make excuses or feel like I’m pushing the blame onto someone else. I am the only one at fault. I’m sorry I keep writing these long posts I’m just not in a good place mentally. I feel like I am really sick in the head or something and I’m starting to fear maybe I have always been that way. I just want so desperately to be good. I don’t want anything other than to be a normal good healthy minded person and be here to support my family and others. I don’t care about myself succeeding in anything other than getting better, I just want to support my family in succeeding in whatever they want. I don’t want money or anything for myself. I have more than I deserve. I just want to get better. I pray but I don’t feel like I can be forgiven