I can’t go on much longer like this.

I’m sure everyone reading can relate. I’m tired of over analyzing my memory. I’m tired of being convinced that my worst fears are true. I’m tired of faking every emotion to everyone. Tired of breaking down and sobbing and begging for this to get better. Tired of watching this disorder completely change me and deteriorate my relationships and my will to live and keep going. This episode has lasted since mid-November. It’s mid January. I am running out of options. You all are so beautiful and kind for being on this forum and offering each other support. I can’t keep living like this. Every single morning I cry, then cry throughout the day, and can’t really explain to my loved ones/friends what’s going on, because OCD is such a nuanced disease. False memory has completely taken what’s left of me. I legitimately just feel like there’s nothing left of the real me. All I see everyday is this anxious creature trying to survive and begging for the suffering to stop.

Username: VGHVGH

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 49w ago

Im so sorry you’re struggling ❤️. I once was where you are, I’m here to tell you it can get better. I had untreated OCD for over 35 years. Therapy through NOCD gave me my life back. Have you reached out for therapy? Is it an option for you? What I learned through therapy is that it’s these very behaviors that we do “over analyzing” our memories, dwelling on our worst fears, trying to be sure or prove those fears wrong, these behaviors are what actually keep us stuck in the OCD cycle. We can learn more helpful behaviors. A book that helped me understand all this is Needing to Know for Sure by Winston and Seif Needing to Know for Sure: A CBT-Based Guide to Overcoming Compulsive Checking and Reassurance Seeking https://a.co/d/7pxv9BB. Watch Ethan Smiths keynote was also quite helpful to me https://www.google.com/gasearch?q=ethan%20smith%20keynote&tbm=&source=sh/x/gs/m2/5#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:12bc6fa0,vid:RPH27Z3IzNY,st:0. There are resources out there, please reach out if you need more, there is another support group on Discord which offers support and allows DMs (I’m GH on that server Ascend). https://discord.gg/2pg8wB73zY. All are welcome❤️

Username: TakeBackYourLifeTakeBackYour...

Date posted: 49w ago

@VGH Thank you so so much. I’ve been in therapy with NOCD since November. I will check out those resources

Username: sarahMchoisarahMchoi

Date posted: 49w ago

I've totally been in your shoes, and what was a game-changer for me is this free AI tool called "unstuck" (unstuckmyocd.com/try) that my therapist recommended. It'll be especially helpful for you because it delivers personalized guidance, much like an OCD therapist, to navigate through those tough moments when OCD feels overwhelming. I hate when people promote stuff, but I really think it can help you because it's changed my life. lmk if you have Qs or just want to talk more! <3 Seeing you struggle with false memory really hits home, and I can't imagine how exhausting these months have been for you 😢. But remember, you are so much more than your OCD! Lean on the compassion and shared understanding in this community because you're not alone in this fight. You've got a lot of strength inside you – after all, you’re here fighting every single day! Keep your chin up!! 🌟

Username: Lavander

Date posted: 5y ago

In the last two days, I was deeply sad and unmotivated (If you read my posts, I think you noticed it). So, today, I woke up "better". It's just like I'm in a tiny moment of clarity. I'm so sick of this. It isn't true, but it won't leave me alone. I just feel mentally and emotionally exhausted. And when it comes back, it just feels so real. OCD screams that I'm just in denial, and it takes all my will to live, like it's taking my identity and ripping it to shreds. "What ifs" flood my mind. It puts a weight on my heart. It makes me believe I need to "come out". It takes my attention from other areas of my life. I am always in a bad mood. I mistreat my parents. I'm cold towards my colleagues. This lie is destroying my life, treatment is expensive, and I have no one to talk about this who would really understand. If it wasn't for this app, I'd be completely alone in this dreadful illness.

Username: Vee <3

Date posted: 1y ago

Still a bit distressed

How long will this go on for? I’m so tired. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I just want it to go away. It’s hard to accept uncertainty when you were once so sure and confident about yourself. Why did this happen to me? How did it happen to me? I feel so sick and unsure and alone and fraudulent. I feel like the only solution is just to not exist anymore. I don’t want reassurance. I already know who I am and what I want. I just want my fucking brain to shut up. I want it to stop convincing me that I’m someone I’m not. I want the night terrors and migraines to go away. I want the pit and aches in my stomach to stop. I want to be able to breathe without my breath shuddering. I want to be able to read lesbian media again without my brain telling me that I’m faking my sexuality and that I’m not actually a lesbian. I want to be able to listen to songs again without my brain giving me intrusive thoughts about being with men and liking it. I want to be proud about who I am without my brain telling me that I’m going to fuck/end up with a man and be happy. I want the straight fantasies to go away. I want to be able to cry about something that isn’t ocd again. I want to stop being numb after crying and accepting my “straightness” bc I know I’m not no matter how much my brain tells me “your heart knows you’re straight. You know you’re straight. You were never attracted to women.” I want to stop picturing being happy with men and being “ok” with it. And then getting anxious the very next second and not know why. I want it all to fucking stop. I want to be able to at least tolerate living again.

Username: SadUnicorn3 🦄

Date posted: 1y ago

Just a sad rant ☹️

I miss my life before ocd. When I would never wake up in a cycle of overthinking and worry and the moment I open my eyes till the moment I sleep, it’s non stop intrusive and unwanted thoughts. It scares me, I don’t want to live my life like this forever. I cry so much, as I’m sure most of you would relate. My heart just feels heavy, that’s the best description I can give, I feel like I’m just existing not actually LIVING. (Not an existential theme) I feel like I just bring everyone down around me, my mental illness has an affect on those around me and though I can’t help I am mentally ill, it takes a toll on me when I KNOW I’m hurting others when they see me so sad all the time, including my daughter… I’ve been dealing with this for somewhere between 1-2 years, which doesn’t seem like a long time but when your life is this constant never ending doubt every single day sometimes all day long, it feels like forever… I just want to be HAPPY. Is that too much to ask for? To just feel genuine happiness and not have these obsessive ego dystonic thoughts 24/7, or at all… I try and keep my head above water and just keep swimming, I wish I could see an ocd therapist but im sorry even with NOCD, it’s TOO EXPENSIVE. I live in Australia so don’t have access to Medicare through NOCD therapy… what options do I have. I’m at a low point, trying to function every day and distract myself from my head by cleaning, looking after my daughter and dog, doing little activities to occupy my time. But there’s only so much distracting you can do I guess.

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