Not doing great this morning

I can’t do this. I feel like I’m never going to have a normal life. I feel like all my friends are being fake to me is this even part of OCD? I just feel like my life is a complete sham. I don’t think I’ll ever have a normal life to where I can be open and honest with people in my life; I’m almost just wanting to delete all social media and go ghost to the world 😢

Feeling like I am mourning a bit for all the years of OCD, and for all the days that have been so difficult to get through the day, where I get stopped and have to put in a lot of effort mentally before I can go back to my daily tasks. Ended up in tears tonight. I barely ever cry. In some ways, I feel like death. I am not suicidal. I don’t mean that. But it’s a good description for how I feel. I don’t know what to do with myself. And I don’t know what to do to go forward. No one understands me. I know you all do. But almost everyone does not, and my immediate family does not. They do not know how hard things have been. I am tired of all the effort it takes to get through the day. I am so tired from all my daily effort that I don’t have energy to express myself and how I feel inside. And it seems like no one in this world really cares anyway. I say this not as a pity party, but because it’s true. People don’t care about each other anymore. I don’t know what to do with myself tonight. I am going to go downstairs and eat some food. Then, after I have been sad for a while, I am going to get back into life…This is the decision that I have made. I am tired of never letting anyone know how I feel inside. I am tired of people not understanding. I am tired of all my confusion and my perfectionism. I am tired of my constant fear. I am tired of all the effort it takes to do anything in life because mentally I am trying to keep myself safe. I don’t know what to do with the “tiredness.” It’s there every day. I don’t know how to move beyond my issues. I have constant confusion, overthinking, and fear.

I'll be 31 this year and I'm such a complete failure as a human being. I just had a breakdown over doing dishes. I have four specific cups that I use and normally I try to wash all of them at once, it really reassures me knowing I have three backup cups in case the one I'm using gets "dirty". Lately, though, I've only been able to wash one at a time and that causes a lot of stress only having one usable cup because if it gets dirty I have to spend the next half hour washing it, my hands, etc. Well tonight my cup got "dirty" and I thought everyone was asleep so I thought I'd try to wash them all. I don't like doing it when people are awake because it takes so long, I have to do it in a specific way and I'm embarrassed by it all. So I started and I was really struggling. I kept having to rewash and rewash because the bubbles just wouldn't go away and then my mom came into the kitchen and we were talking. My anxiety spiked because I was afraid she'd mention how long I'm taking or try to rearrange my cups or touch my arm and I just felt like a horrible person thinking these tboughts when all she's doing is talking to me but it just makes an already really stressful situation even more so. Then she left. I got two done, so I was half way through and then I thought the next cup was clean and I put it into the stack of clean ones but then I noticed it still had bubbles and now I had to start all the way over again. I wanted to cry and I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I just wanted to be done and get something to drink and lay down. I tried starting over but my mom came back and I just couldn't deal with it so I quit and she smiled at me and said "finally done?" She knows and tries to understand how much I struggle and tries her best to help me and I love her so much for that and I'm so awful for feeling more anxious around her and having thoughts of just wanting to be left alone. She looked so proud of me, thinking I finally got done with my stupid little task and I just couldn't handle knowing how much of a disappointment I am and I started crying. She hugged me and offered to clean my cups for me and I wish I could let her but I can't. My OCD won't let me. Only I can clean my cups. My OCD isolates me and makes me feel so alone. I need help but I can't have any. And just facing the realization that I'm having a breakdown at 1am in the kitchen over not being able to clean cups properly just made me want to die so bad. Every little victory I have doesn't mean anything because I'll never get better. I lost so much time, I'm old and I don't know how to be an adult or take care of myself and I don't know what to do anymore. I hate myself.