I seriously have never thought about girls until now. It just never crossed my mind. I never liked or had feelings for a girl. And now that I’m constantly questioning everything and picturing everything. It just feels like I like it. It scares me, would I be happy with a girl ?? I don’t want to be with a girl but I feels like I do want this. It’s so confusing. I can’t tell whether this is actually ocd or I’m genuinely attracted to the same sex. I hate this so much !!! It’s like I just completely lost myself and questioned it so much I’ve just become lesbian but some things just don’t make sense. Why would I catch feelings for other boys? Never girls. I don’t know anymore. I’m happy with my boyfriend. Without these thoughts I’d be so good and so much more happy. Now I just don’t fucking know and this hurts so damn bad that I can’t just rest not one day. This is so damn stressful and hurtful to question your identity every single day. Sometimes I seriously just feel like I’m lesbian but I can’t seem to settle on that because I just can’t be. I want to just die. I hate what my mind is doing to me. I hate I have to go through these thoughts alone. I hate everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and never see anyone. I just want to hug my boyfriend and have my thoughts erased. I’ve thought too much and too deep I can’t stop. I’m crying from sadness because I don’t know what’s real anymore and I never in a million years thought this is something I’d have to deal with.

*ocd vent/story because i am not so sure if it’s ocd anymore* I always have anxiety attacks because of my ocd. I used to have ocd concerning how I looked like, with ticks and everything. I started comparing myself to every girl i found and that’s how I started noticing pretty people, mostly girls because i kept comparing myself to them. I told my parents and all they did was give me reassurance. it kind of made me feel better but just for the night. I had an anxiety attack every. Single. Day. I cried because of how my face looked like. But then, my hocd thoughts started out of nowhere with a dream where I was kissing my girl best friend. I was disgusted by it. I clearly remember in the dream that she enjoyed it more than me. I didn’t enjoy it at all. That’s when those thoughts about my body left me. I was completely surprised by it since I that came out of nowhere, I’d never had felt like that before, and I knew it was fake. Well, I dropped it and then around 2 weeks later I saw a friend and all I could think about was “what if I like her” and everything. I gave myself reassurance with quizzes online to see if I was bi and it said no so I dropped it again and didn’t really think about it. Then, again, 2 weeks later the thought came out of nowhere when I was watching a video. Then I first started thinking I could be bi. But again I woke up one day thinking I was a lesbian and those thoughts didn’t leave me alone. I started crying every single day because of them. I couldn’t even watch a movie with girls in it because it made me feel anxious. I slowly started losing my attraction then. I found out about hocd and i instantly knew that was me. Well, I was disgusted by being intimate with girls. But then my ocd kept getting worse and worse until I didn’t know if I would like them or not. Every single guy or girl I saw I imagine to see if I could like a relationship with one. When I see a hot guy and can’t imagine myself with one I put myself down because my head keeps using that as evidence. Every couple I see I now think the girl is pretty than the guy and it really bothers me. I can see a hot guy and feel nothing. The worse thing is I used to have a small crush before this happened. I hate this, I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. My head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” even when I am not doing anything. When I am happy I put myself down because my head keeps telling me “you’re a lesbian” and I think I am going to disappoint my parents. Or when people talk about my sisters boyfriend I just can’t imagine myself with a boyfriend anymore, all I could think about is the word “girlfriend” and it really bothers me. I keep thinking If i am ever going to be as close with a guy as my sister is with her boyfriend- always kissing him. But when I try imaging it and intrussive thought of a girl comes along. Sometimes they even are of how my life would be with a girl, and it makes me so anxious and fearful because i don’t know if I would like it or not, i don’t really know what i am feeling anymore. I am not ready to have a relationship yet but it would be nice to not have these thoughts and know for sure. Sorry if this is so long, I just don’t know anyone that’s having the thoughts I am having right now concerning my ocd, I am not sure of anything anymore.

Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

I look at straight couples and cry cause i will never be able to have that. The thought of being happy with another girl makes me sad, and i feel bad that it makes me sad cause then it feeds my horrible person ocd and makes me feel homophobic cause nothings wrong with it but i dont want to be with a girl and dont want to be lesbian cause i dont want girls or dont want to desire them. And the thought of never being happy with a boy makes it even worse. Then im scared i’m actually okay with that thought. I always dreamt of being with a boy and now i can’t even fantasize about kissing and cuddling. Cause suddenly i feel like kissing a boy is gross and cuddling i feel nothing. AND I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT I JUST WANNA BE ABLE TO BE WITH A GUY AND FEEL ATTRACTED TO THEM. And i dont know why i want it so bad but i do. I want it so bad but i cant have it. I just can’t handle this anymore. The fear, the stress, the not knowing, the confusion. My mind at war. Feeling as if my mind and body are at war. My body responds to something and my mind hates it and freaks out and doesnt want it. Hocd is a fucking demon and i feel like jumping off a cliff rn. Anything would be better than this, anything.