I seriously have never thought about girls until now. It just never crossed my mind. I never liked or had feelings for a girl. And now that I’m constantly questioning everything and picturing everything. It just feels like I like it. It scares me, would I be happy with a girl ?? I don’t want to be with a girl but I feels like I do want this. It’s so confusing. I can’t tell whether this is actually ocd or I’m genuinely attracted to the same sex. I hate this so much !!! It’s like I just completely lost myself and questioned it so much I’ve just become lesbian but some things just don’t make sense. Why would I catch feelings for other boys? Never girls. I don’t know anymore. I’m happy with my boyfriend. Without these thoughts I’d be so good and so much more happy. Now I just don’t fucking know and this hurts so damn bad that I can’t just rest not one day. This is so damn stressful and hurtful to question your identity every single day. Sometimes I seriously just feel like I’m lesbian but I can’t seem to settle on that because I just can’t be. I want to just die. I hate what my mind is doing to me. I hate I have to go through these thoughts alone. I hate everything. I just want to crawl in a hole and never see anyone. I just want to hug my boyfriend and have my thoughts erased. I’ve thought too much and too deep I can’t stop. I’m crying from sadness because I don’t know what’s real anymore and I never in a million years thought this is something I’d have to deal with.

Agreed. Treatment is definitely the course of action you want to take with any form of OCD. Please don't underestimate it or the necessity of it. Speaking from experience, treatment has helped me a ton. I was in between a rock and a hard place with my ocd when I started to see my psychologist. But she's been so nice and so helpful with providing articles, information, exercises and books to help me that I am really doing much better. Please take it from us. Therapy helps TONS. :) Hope this helps! Have a wonderful day and see you around the NOCD message boards!

From my interpretation of what you said, I feel like you spend significant amount of time struggling with OCD. OCD will stay with you forever but once you are treated, OCD becomes manageable. If you go into remission during your treatment, your current theme goes away. Infact the only way to go into remission is when you defeat your current theme. Once a theme is defeated, there is 90%(my assumption) chance of it not coming back if you really go into remission. OCD is a parasite, you are it's host. The thought that it will stay forever or it will go away on it's own is OCD thought because it doesn't want you to get rid of it from you. I have seen and heard stories of people completely ruining their life, their relationships, their social life due to mental illnesses with no treatment. Get treatment and you will realize how much better your life and reality will become.

I relate to everything you said. Not anymore but about a year ago- it gets better. I made a long post about my advice to get through it. I’m unsure if you are able to access that or find it but if you want I can copy and paste it for you?? If you’ve already seen it- just wanna at least ready out and say- I have related to EVERYTHING you said in this post, you’re not alone, and although not “cured”- OCD is a treatable disorder and can get better. Just lmk if you want me to copy and paste my advice post here if you can’t find it... things get better I know it seems like that’s not true right now but it will.

How is your therapy going?

I don’t go to therapy

Why not?

I keep thinking this’ll die out on its own

It won't, if it was supposed to, it would have long time ago. Ask yourself, has things got better? Like do you spend less time obsessing? Do you do less compulsions than before? What about your anxiety? Has it gotten better? If things have gotten better over time, then maybe you are becoming your own therapist (which is the ultimate goal of any therapy). But if not, then you are just lengthening your suffering. If things haven't gotten better, you should really go to a therapist.

I suppose i just can’t seem so stop questioning and analyzing. My anxiety sort of stopped. The mornings are really bad. It’s feels so damn real I can’t and don’t want to deal with this. I never thought my sexuality would be this much of an issue. I can’t do this anymore. I have a strong feeling this will stick around forever. Because I don’t want to break up with my boyfriend and date a girl. But then it feels like I do but I just don’t want to and I keep going back and forth with myself.