CPTSD

TW death, terminal illness I feel like I could be suffering from complex post traumatic stress disorder, specifically due to loss. I just get these waves of sadness, not always physical but like a hole is in my chest and my body is compacting on itself. Sometimes it does come out in the form of crying. Random things trigger it, mostly music, and sometimes it seems like nothing at all has. Death has always been a core part of my life and my childhood. I have a massive family and im one of the youngest, so that means much of my relatives have and will die before me (potentially.) my grandma when I was age 2, great grandparents around 5-6, 2 cousins around age 8, grandpa at age 9, aunt at age 10, other grandpa at age 12, other grandma at age 13, more aunts and uncles age 14-16, and most recently, my uncle who I was very close with died when I was 18 a year ago. They’ve all died from rather horrific causes, glioblastoma, birth defect, cancer, dementia. Cancer is the biggest. I just feel like im always anticipating the next soul shattering loss. Will it be my mom or dad? My cousin? A baby cousin? My aunt and 2nd mother figure? I feel surrounded by death. I think this is why I have such intense, spontaneous waves of depression. I feel it right now as im typing this. I think writing it out is helping.

Username: brenoaugustobrenoaugusto

Date posted: 48w ago

I experience both CTPSD and OCD, i relate a lot to your testimony. A fair share of evidences point inflexibility as at anxiety disorder's — which both CTPSD and OCD are — resultant from overwhelming adversities experienced by the individual, that wounds them and gradually takes away their capacity of responding and being mindful to what happens internally or externally. What remains is cognitive fusion, experiental avoidance, lack of mindfulneess and values disconnection — elementary components of inflexibility. Diagnosis may be challenging ‘cause there’s a intrinsic multifatorial character to it — DSM, the psychiatric manual to diagnosis, counts with a large range of comorbidity, as a demonstration of human being’s suffering intersections. People with OCD experience repetitive and intrusive thoughts, images, urges, or feelings, called obsessions, and it assumes different forms to each individual — that’s why many of us think of it more like of a spectrum. The most wise use of a diagnosis is tracking an individual’s symptoms and signs while also being genuinely curious about one’s entire experience about what’s happening to them — not to produce normativity. Then, there’s gonna be valuable and legit information feeding both patient’s and professional’s acknowledgment to make conscious choices about their treatment, care and healing. Let me know if that sounds insightful to you.

Username: 777Q777Q

Date posted: 48w ago

@brenoaugusto I always wanted to go to Plum Village especially while Thich Knat Hahn was alive . I am not Buddhist, but found him very inspirational, I have many books by him and a video .

Username: brenoaugustobrenoaugusto

Date posted: 48w ago

@777Q That’s nice to know how Thay’s practice is alive around the world.

Username: 777Q777Q

Date posted: 48w ago

@brenoaugusto You know on this topic of death it is in one of my books by him , where he mentions about the Buddhist Monks doing meditation on death to be able to embrace it and not fear it .

Username: brenoaugustobrenoaugusto

Date posted: 48w ago

@777Q Yeah, i was talking about it with another person here in NOCD. There is also Plum Village podcast, The Way Out is In. In one of its episodes, Joe Confino and Br. PhapHu talk about death.

Username: 777Q777Q

Date posted: 48w ago

I can relate . I have lost many people at a very young age also . This may at first glance sound counterintuitive but it helps me in a positive way . I give thought regarding death daily realizing it might be it for me or others or pets that way I can try to be kind and compassionate and not put things off . After all no one is getting out alive , LOL ! No matter how old or young it can be a positive inspiration, because one never knows .

Username: 0045

Date posted: 1y ago

imagining loved ones dying

i don’t know if this falls under a specific theme or is even related to ocd. if someone could help me out i would really appreciate it ever since i was younger, i’ve had really upsetting thoughts about losing my loved ones and it would get to a point where i vividly imagine their death scenes play out in my head and it’s started to effect me during a day-to-day basis. sometimes i even imagine myself dying and the imagery shows me how my friends and family react to my passing usually when i think of something happy, my brain enters this cycle where i begin to think of some upsetting and distressing moment and i cant help but think about it for the rest of the day i’ve had a common fear of death for a really long time, but it’s gotten really bad now is this a form of some intrusive thought? please let me know what you think

Username: Vulpus

Date posted: 1y ago

Existential and Death Obsessions

Ever since my mom had a recent health scare, I've been obsessing over the inevitability of death, of the people around me, of my loved ones, and of my own. Looking at historical figures, hearing about dead people triggers a lot of these obsessions. Combined with the fact that I'm agnostic, and do not necessarily believe in an afterlife, so a thought that constantly appears and distresses me is the fact that when someone dies, they don't exist anymore, and they wouldn't know they existed. I've been struggling with these thoughts for a few months now, everytime I'm laughing or having fun with someone, an intrusive thought such as "They're going to die one day, and none of this would matter" would pop up, and it prevents me from grounding myself and enjoying the moment with loved ones. It makes me feel alone, and scared. I don't tell anyone about my thoughts, and I do not seek reassurance from them because I know it doesn't help. Some days it's okay, some days it isn't. On really bad days, I secretly wish that I would pass away before anyone that I cherish does so I won't have to bear the pain of losing them. I'm only 19 years old. And I know that my entire life is ahead of me, but with these thoughts, it's hard to visualize my life, and that it's worth living for sometimes. Ever since these thoughts appeared, I lost the ability to make long term plans, and visualize a future that I want because the thoughts tell me that none of it will matter. I know deep inside that what I do matters, and that I matter as well. But these thoughts cloud my judgement, and it takes a toll on me because of how persistent they can be. It's really hard to deal with these thoughts because death is a real concept, something that *will* happen. And because of these obsessions, I've become nihilistic, and I slowly lose the drive to accomplish anything. But I do try to live my life as normal as possible. Do the things I want to do, despite the heavy burden that I carry with me each day.

Username: fcknsav

Date posted: 24w ago

Anxiety around death

Where I live this girl was just shot and killed at a mall yesterday she was innocent but there was a fight between some other people and someone pulled out a gun and she got hit I didn’t know her at all but she’s around my age and I had seen tiktoks about it and I went to her page and just seeing her instagram and tiktok posts just days before her death really got to me her and her family had no idea what was gonna happen to her just a few days later and it’s just so scary to me because it just makes me feel so out of control or everything and something bad like that can happen to me or someone else no warning last Sunday my uncle died of a heart attack it was pretty random and he’s 51 no one saw it coming and just all of this together makes me really scared for my own life and it just scares me that my time could be coming and id have no idea it’s really scary to me because my biggest fear is death I don’t know how to make these feelings stop but i just feel really anxious if anyone has felt this way I would really really love to hear some advice or just anything I hate feeling this way

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