Extreme HOCD, need Advice

[NSFW] hocd or denial? I'm lost and confused... I (m18) have been straight my whole life. I fantasized about girls, only got hard to them, masturbated to them... I've had a girlfriend for almost 2 years now and she is the most wonderful person ever, and I am attracted to her both romantically and sexually. So, all of it started three years ago. I saw a movie with a gay sex scene and I thought that it must feel pretty good to be at the bottom. Since then, I sometimes (but not often) thought about being on the bottom when masturbating. Although I felt kind of aroused by the thought, I thought it was a simple fantasy or fetish that I have. I tried some stuff to myself down there but I never liked it. I never had a crush on any man, nor have I ever had romantic interest in a man. About 3 weeks ago I really thought about it and I started thinking I was gay. I thought I was gay because I got kind of aroused by thinking about gay sex like this. I thought I wasn't gay because I was never interested in a man and I always had crushes on women but then I thought I was gay because I was aroused by the thought of gay sex. I started to check myself in my head by thinking of gay sex and straight sex to see if I would be aroused, and I looked at some straight porn - and once even gay porn - to see if I would be aroused. I got a bit hard from the gay porn which made me panic. I feel less aroused in general and it feels like my libido has crashed. Now, when I try to masturbate, I sometimes only think about gay sex, which makes me panic more. It feels like I'm losing my love for my girlfriend, and it feels like I'm less attracted to her, both romantically and sexually. It feels like I don't love her, but I do, and then I question everything. I feel like it's harder for me to get aroused by women. I used to imagine snuggling with my gf and falling asleep with her, which usually made me aroused, but now I don't get aroused by that. Worse, if I try to imagine doing the same with a male, I don't get aroused either. I sometimes feel like this isn't hocd (I don't know if I even have ocd, I don't have a therapist) and that I'm just in denial. I feel like I'm only not leaving my girlfriend because I don't want to harm her, and I don't love her, but I do, I love her very much and I always imagined spending my future with her. It feels like I love her and I don't at the same time. I don't know what is going on. Am I gay? Bi? I don't want to leave my girlfriend, she is amazing and wonderful and I want to stay with her and I love her, but I constantly doubt that as well. Am I gay or bi if I fantasize about gay sex and get kind of aroused? Again, I never thought about having a romantic relationship with a male, and I only ever wanted to be with women. The thought used to disgust me but thinking about it now doesn't make me feel anything, but then again, neither does thinking about the same with a woman now, which is making me afraid as well. What should I do?? I'm lost and confused and I don't want to be gay or bi, but I constantly doubt myself. I don't want to leave her, but I question even that thought - do I not want to leave her because I love her or because I don't want to hurt her - which makes me even more lost.

My mind keeps jumping to conclusions that I’m in denial and i have to come out , crazy how a thought went from “what if I’m gay” to “what if I’ve always been” to “you’re bi” to “you’re gsy” to full on statements and conclusions, like coming out and being in denial , as homophobic as this sounds everytime i see something gay i get an ick im not disgusted, very slightly, i was never like this, now I’m contemplating if i ever even liked women when i know i have before. I have nothing against gay people but i just don’t wanna be gay , saying that makes me feel uneasy which makes me more confused. Idk what I’ve become at this point .Now I’m doubting every life decision I’ve taken and gosh i wish me and my ex lasted, i was happy, even when we fought i remember telling myself we’re gonna get through this we’ll be fine, here i am doubting everything, at the same time wishing me and her lasted, regretting how i treated her, then the ocd part uses the fact that i went soft a few times with her and lost all interest in women after the break up against me, and then its basically convincing me to say that i am gay, none of these adds up . My brain keeps showing me images of being with men and happy about it and i don’t want that, i don’t think i ever did, then it’s like oh movies and tv shows have influenced you to think you should be with women , and then I’m here like if that was the case I’d feel uncomfortable and feel out of place , I’ve never felt that, i felt good with women and all as long as she was clean didn’t smell ofc but yeah now I’m so fucking lost.

So my hocd started over 2 years ago (I’m 20 yrs old now), when I was having a conversation with one of my friends and the thought popped into the back of my head what if the reason I don’t have a crush on any guys at my high school is because I’m a lesbian. Since then my sexuality has been on my mind 24/7 I didn’t know this was ocd until about a year ago but i’m only seeking treatment now. The hocd ramped up when I felt super aroused watching a movie with topless women, something that had never happened when watching men. Thing is I genuinely think I’m gay now, I’ve had this for so long that at first the thoughts disgusted me and caused me anxiety but now they don’t anymore. I saw so many tiktok videos about “pipelines” of certain interests gay people have that triggered me and read the comphet masterdoc which made me cry when I read it because I related to so much of it. When I was a child I was never boy crazy, I never really crushed on boys in my class (to be fair there were only 7) however I do remember writing a love note to a boy in first grade and having an immense celebrity crush on a disney channel star. I remember to certain things I did as a child that lead me to think I am gay and they keep replaying over and over in my head. Thing is over the past year I’ve had crushes on 3 guys I’ve met through dating apps. The last one I actually hung out with and I had my first kiss/makeout session 2 months ago. After that my hocd calmed down I enjoyed kissing him it felt euphoric the whole drive home just replaying our dates in my head. But now I can’t get the thought out of my head what if I didn’t like it enough? I didn’t get butterflies when we kissed (i do when I think back about it though) and didnt feel super aroused like that time I watched that movie. I feel nothing when I look at pictures and videos of men but with women I started getting this warm feeling in my chest which stressed me out even more. Idk what I am anymore and it is driving me insane. Does anyone relate?