Lost

It's one of those days where I can't get out of my head, the anxiety feels so debilitating, all I can do is cry, the intrusive thoughts won't stop and I can't keep myself from my compulsions, I feel so alone, my fear of hallucinating sounds went to fear of hallucinating people or things, to the worst of all fear of becoming delusional, my mind is plagued with "delusions" that I've read online through all the compulsive research I've done, earlier I saw a shadow next to a light pole and my mind immediately went "what if little people are watching you" my grandmother had delusions like that growing up so that's where it comes from I think, no I don't actually believe that little people are watching me but what if I do believe it, what if I am psychotic, what if I start believing people are out to get me, im so terrified I can't shake the fear of this I can't accept it I don't know how, im terrified that my ocd will forever plague my mind and I will never feel better I'll always be fighting this monster and I will never feel peace again, I don't want to be alone in a mental hospital, I don't want to go to the doctor and them tell me I'm crazy or psychotic, I don't want to become a burden to my family, i dont want to scare my family please I just want to feel better 😭😓 I don't want reassurance about the intrusive thoughts I just want someone to tell me it'll get better and I won't feel stuck forever

I have really bed harming intrusive thoughts and sometimes feels like it’s feeling! The thoughts happening every day and the hardest part is that I’m testing my self in head all the time if that’s what I am or want!!! Also, so many times feels like I’m been tricking myself and doctor or people and maybe I don’t have OCD, just that maybe it’s me really!!!! How can I know who I am really 🥹???!!??

I dont know what to do anymore. I think Ive had the 'pure O' version of OCD for more than ten years. I feel like so much of my life has been wasted from this disease. For the longest time I just tried to ignore the intrusive thoughts, and push them off as anxiety, and basically dissociated for years of my life. Feels like Ive just been on autopilot and a shell of myself for nearly 15 years. Its actually hard to even imagine of all the experiences, emotions, connections with others, and personal growth that Ive missed out on- if I do, I think it would be too much to handle. I think Ive even forgot and dont even know at this point what it is to live a normal life and experience positive emotions. Now that I sought treatment for it specifically, it feels like it's gotten worse. Like by acknowledging that part of myself, suddenly added focus just makes it more real and in the forefront now. I wonder if I am actually going insane. Will not go into details for reassurance but the thoughts just rip my soul out. Its so difficult as well because I will get random 'clarity moments' throughout the day where I feel like Ive solved something, then get completely derailed by another OCD thought stream and forget everything. It feels like Im just on a merry-go-round of hell, not going anywhere thinking I am at times.