I'm freaking out right now. I have a friend that I'm really close, and she's very special to me. But since hocd started I'm always wondering if I like her romantically. It's awful. I don't want to be with her, but then, what if I in fact do? And I get so anxious, and I get groinal responses, and when I'm around her I keep wondering: what if I kissed her? This is just too much. I don't like it, I hate it. I'm so scared that I'm going to act on it, or that it's true.

Why does it scare you if it's true?

Because I don't want it. I have nothing against LGBT, but I don't feel it's right for me. I never liked women, never wanted to date one. This goes against who I have always been. Hocd makes everything so blurry, though. Hocd is homosexual ocd, a subtype of pure O that makes you doubt your sexuality constantly. It attacks your identity, and it's extremely distressing.

I think some imaginary exposure could help you. Imagine what it would be like to kiss her! I’d write out an ERP script where the worst version of your fears comes true: you kiss her, you love it, you feel great, you finally realize you’re a lesbian, you come out, etc. Go fill out! Then read it to yourself 20 times a day for two weeks. Track your anxiety each time. Don’t do compulsions to escape the thoughts/feelings. See how it changes over time. A kiss is just a kiss. I’m sure you’ve imagined kissing plenty of people before and it never struck you as so important. Once your brain realizes that imagining kissing her doesn’t have to mean anything at all, you’ll start to heal.

Hi! I get this too, even with memories I have of previous friends where HOCD makes me analyse the past to see if I secretly liked anyone. It's a real pain to be honest. It still stresses me out even now that I'm in recovery! What pureolife suggested is a good exposure exercise to do - it'll make you very anxious but as long as you avoid doing ANY compulsions it will make the anxiety decrease in the long term, because it will teach your brain to ignore the doubts and thoughts. Eventually those intrusive thoughts will come less often.

Also: @heatZiro, with any form of OCD the sufferer experiences irrational doubts which cause fear and anxiety. Whether it's health related, sexuality related or religion related, the answer as to "why" it scares the sufferer is simply that they have OCD and anxiety related to it. The way you experience your own OCD will be similarly scary and irrational to the way that @Lavander experiences hers.