Contamination OCD and Intimacy (R18+)

After being sexually assaulted I developed a fear of sex and as a protection my OCD became obsessed with STDs and I’ve been tested a million times for everything they will test me for (they strongly recommended against testing me for herpes because everyone has it in some form and if you’re not showing symptoms and using protection it is near impossible to pass on so it doesn’t matter until you want to settle down and there is a big stigma) I’ve always come back clean, even for the random shit I googled like mycoplasma that I begged to be to be tested for. I still freak out. And now since I am starting to believe I am ok I don’t want to have sex with someone else Incase they infect me (even though if we use condoms and they get the routine test for HIV, Hep, Syphillis, Gonnorhea , and Chlymidia) the odds are slim. What do I do!!! And I agonize over whether I should disclose I have HPV even though my gyno says no because everyone has it (literally the CDC says that) and it goes away on its own almost always and dude to the lack of education it would do more harm than good. I think I am just finding reasons to avoid intimacy at this point and my OCD is making me intensely fearful about my sexual health in a very painful way to distract me, and I can’t deal. I’d rather just confront my issues.

Okay, so, I know it says I have a conqueror badge, which is partially true, but doesn’t tell the whole story. I’m better, NOCD and medication have helped, but I’m not where I want to be yet. There are still things I can’t get past. For context, I have COCD and POCD and they feed into each other. A few things I still struggle with thinking that they contaminated or going to cause harm to someone: • Any kind of bodily fluid, especially my own. (I worry with my male bodily fluids, that I could somehow spread this to people and worry especially that I could spread nastiness to children.) • The floor. For whatever reason I feel that the floor is really gross and that I’ve put bodily fluids on the floor and they are going to be spread to people. (Same type of issue) • Sink handles. • Shoes and socks and my own feet even after a shower. • Trash cans, bags, and dumpsters. • Playing cards. • Other people’s cell phones. • My phone after using it in the bathroom. • Doing laundry. I could use some advice on dealing with these things. A huge thing for me (and here’s where I say only 18 and older should read this,) is a very natural thing that happens to me a lot. Pre-ejaculate. This probably causes me the most stress of anything in my life. I get this often, even when not feeling sexually aroused. I worry that it’ll get on my clothes when I go to the bathroom and then I’ll end up getting in on someone. I worry that it’ll go through my clothes and same result. I worry that when I take my clothes off and some is in my underwear that I’ll get it on the floor and then it’ll end up in my feet, socks, shoes, and/or anything that goes on the floor at all. I worry about getting on the machines or my hands while doing laundry and have to scrub my hands after doing my laundry and/or wipe down the machines or use paper towels to open them/close them/start them/stop them or just touch very specific spots on them. I worry that I’ll get it on me before bed and then my bed will no longer feel clean and safe and I’ll feel like I need to wash my sheets/wipe down everything that comes into contact with my bed. I’m so scared of the possibility of all these things that I avoid doing things like touching my feet or shoes without washing my hands, spraying down the floor with Lysol Disinfectant spray, wiping down anything I think may have had contact with something that may have gotten some on it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I want to be able to just exist and not have to shower before bed or as soon as I wake up or have to wash my hands while I’m doing laundry. I could go into more detail about the other things but they’re relatively self-explanatory. The precum thing is not so I wanted to be v more in depth while describing this issue. I do not have any attraction to children btw, (Back to the POCD) I will protect every child I can. And that’s why this freaks me out so bad because I worry about other peoples wellbeing over my own. Please if anyone has any ideas. Help me. Thank you.

Anyone who is in a relationship, does OCD flare up when you are being sexually intimate with your partner? I have never had this experience before and I was caught off guard. However I still continued to be intimate with my girlfriend and not let OCD dictate my life. Just wanted know.