Wondering if this is OCD?

I constantly worry that no one likes me. Did grow up as the scapegoat but my parent passed away 7 yrs ago and now I have been in therapy as well as my mom but my other two siblings refuse therapy. So there has been some healing between me and my mom which I’m happy about! But I’ve also been scapegoated in friend groups mainly bc there will be one jealous friend and then they try to get everyone to go against me. Anyway I have met a few friends here and there that have really impacted my life in a positive way. However, I can’t help but ruminate on how “everyone doesn’t like me” and then I go down a rabbit hole of searching on tik tok, google and Reddit trying to find some magical answer as to what is “wrong with me” and why I have issues with people even some family and yet there is no answer except that people just project their negative feelings onto me, and many other people have experienced that as well. But yet I still keep feeling like there’s something innately wrong with me. Even my therapists validates my experience and has taught me boundaries and explains how I’m not the problem yet I still loop with this thought. I also think this is linked to another ocd thought because I always tell myself I need to hurry up and prove to myself that my siblings can get healthy and I can fix the family dynamic issues and then find a perfect group of friends so I will be “happy” and then I won’t supposedly suffer and want to d*e. By the way I am not suicidal so thats why it’s kind of like an irrational thought. I did have suicidal OCD though but would never do that. So idk? What is this?

My OCD Academia

Date posted: 1y

Speaking from personal experience and a bad habit of research compulsion, you can have a simple thought of “what is wrong with me” and ocd will take that and make you believe you want to end your life. It’s completely normal to question stuff like that (although nothing is wrong with you) and not be suicidal. But that type of self talk can be an easy gateway for ocd to creep in and be like “woah there you wouldn’t be saying that if you didn’t wanna die, how are you sure you didn’t mean it that way?” For me, I’ve been extremely sad after losing communication with someone I love. And it’s put me in a depressive mood. Remember though, not all people with depression are suicidal. They may have low energy, not really wanting to do much but have no intention on taking their life. It’s more of a burnout and they just need a little bit of good news to make it better. That’s my case. I do not want to take my life or hurt myself in anyway, but because i’ve been sad and just in bed all day, my ocd kinda goes, woah there that’s not a good sign

Ahsjdiviwajd...

Date posted: 1y

@My OCD Academia The accuracy of this!! Yes exactly how I feel. And my ocd wants me to prove that I was never scapegoated because I associate someone being scapegoated with them wanting to end their life. Partly it’s bc my dad was scapegoated and he took his life, so that’s why I started to connect those two things. I have been in a place of trying to have forgiveness toward my mom and siblings because they’re not intentionally mean though my siblings are sometimes jealous or envious because now in doing better mentally and they have not seeked help. My ocd thought will be something like this: “I need to hurry up and have a good relationship with my siblings otherwise I’m going to feel sad about it my whole life and then one day I’m going to want to die bc I can’t take it anymore” and I try to remind myself that maybe my siblings will get help maybe they won’t but many people have experienced being scapegoated and many have healed their inner loneliness and pain. I’m early twenties and abt two years into recovery so there’s definitely a lot of times where I still cry when I realize what trauma has been done to me. Then the ocd just feeds off of that.

Ahsjdiviwajd...

Date posted: 1y

@My OCD Academia Thank you for sharing though because this is exactly what I was trying to explain

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