A lot of times I will get OCD attacks before something I’m looking forward to. For example, if the family is going out to a restaurant, or a good movie is coming on, anything to look forward to really. Just prior to it obsessive thoughts come up. It is like they are trying to sabotage me enjoying myself. I read somewhere that the brain can’t tell the difference when an emotion is felt and may label it with worrisome thoughts. Also, I imagine it is the amygdala’s way of not letting you relax. Maybe a leap back to early times when you were at your most vulnerable when you were enjoying something such as eating, intimacy, etc. Has or does anyone experience this?

Does anyone else have a really hard time relaxing? It feels related to OCD but also maybe not? I struggle with scrupulously themes and worrying I’m doing something wrong and I feel like I’m doing something bad by relaxing when I know I still have things on my to do list (which seems to be never ending). Has anyone experienced anything similar to this?

TLDR: The title. I often feel rush or excitement and curiosity about my OCD thoughts, and I am not shy of it. Do you have experience like this? I think I often feel a lot of excitement when I start to engage with some obsesive thoughts and when obsesive episode starts for me. Like I often find the idea or image very interesting and I am curious about it. But often there is a neat line between excitement and anxiety. Also often it may at first start with excitement but after a while I may feel anxious or traped of being in the loop and then also being anxious about the idea itself and possibilities or ruining things I care about or loosing them. And those aspects can come in various successions or sometimes multiple at once. I encountered some materials about people enjoying their obsesive thoughts but it was usually something else. They had this obsesive fear of possibly enjoying those obsesive thoughts. But I have it different. I know I do have this excitement, rush and curiosity. I know I may somewhat like them. And I do not shy away from that. Also sometimes enjoy compulsions, even lone compulsions without link to obssesions. Like I very rarely need to organize stuff or order them or place them perfectly, but sometimes I just get into it and it is more like I find it fascinating and funny that I can try for the impossible precision and I can feel urge to do it for nonsensical amount of effort. (But I am usually very messy, disorganized and careless about organizing physical stuff) The ocd is still very debilitating and taking a lot of time. And the OCD is still very anxious and sometimes desprate-like experience. The excitement about the ideas might be a good thing because maybe I might accept them better or perform some kind of exposure through it but it may also reinforce a loop. But it is fact that I sometimes enjoy my OCD thoughts, invite them, await them at smallest glimpse. It is just mostly matter of fact. And I am curious what this might mean for me and my OCD and for how I can work I'm with it and interact with it's what changes and options it gives. I am 30 year old and I struggle with OCD from at least 15 years old. I got myself officially diagnosed quite recently and I am on waiting list for a therapy. I have mostly pure or predominantly obsesive OCD but I still go through many mental compulsions and compulsive behaviors. I experienced many subtypes of OCD although not so much of the more traditional ones. My first subtype of OCD was a kind of meta-ocd. I remember how I like the character of detective Adrienne Monk. I liked the character. I did not have it formulated for myself at that age but he was so sensitive, fragile, perceptive, clever and a sort of inventive. The ocd seemed fascinating. Although his neuroticism regarding his environment would be total pain for me, since I was and I am a very messy and disorganized person. But I still vibed with him and sympathized with him. I felt interest and curiosity in being possibly sort of like him. But I felt fear of it as well. I feared I was like him or that I would have ocd. I feared performing rituals and I would sometimes perform them,.sometimes as the relief of confirmation sometimes as examination, sometimes as a sort of exposure therapy before knowing what exposure therapy was. I just had this conflicting fears, obsessions and compulsions about the prospect of having ocd. That was when I was around 15 years old. But through my whole childhood before that, I was already focused a lot on managing and controlling my own emotions to keep away from disappointments. And I was very socially and romantically anxious and had sort of low confidence or fear of low confidence. So those were childhood experiences that were not yet obsessive-compulsive like but which were on the way there. Also know that it is very probable I have some form of ADHD. My mother and siblings have it diagnosed. And I exhibit almost all classical symptoms despite being conflict-averse and diplomatic and therefore considered well behaved child. But doing some less serious and shalower testing with one psychology consultant, I scored way higher and clearer on ADHD test than on OCD test. I also just love novelty, and experimentation and exploration. And I may sometimes engage with obsessions and compulsions out of procrastination. Also my obsessions and compulsions are often chaotic, I often encounter dilema where I don't know what course of action would be compulsive and what would not. Or I am not sure If I am exposing myself and getting familiar with unwanted thought or if I am actually just fulfilling some other compulsions. Like if I am not turning exposure into another obsession. Like anything can become anything. And honestly? I probably do. And why not. Yes I am sometimes perfectionist in the most nonsensical ways. Thanks for reading through this whole thing and paying attention to what I had to say.

I try to make a life for myself that is enjoyable with things to look forward to, and I anticipate/look forward to these lovely plans (holidays with friends, festivals, concerts), then when I’m there it’s as though I am paralysed by my thoughts. It feels like a numbing, overwhelming dread that I’m not being in the moment, I’m not enjoying myself enough, that it’s showing to others and I’m impacting their experience through my non verbal/moody exterior. The only thing I can liken it to- as with the majority of obsessions- is like when you’re trying to read something and you’re concentrating so much on trying to concentrate that you’re not even fully taking in what you’re reading. I leave these things with an immense amount of regret and guilt, and each time I swear I’m going to remember this feeling and do my best to allow myself to enjoy it next time. Then when it happens again, I feel even more annoyance and guilt. Today I feel genuinely awful, I can’t stop crying. I’ve talked about it in therapy, though my therapist wants to unpack whether there is truth to these thoughts and I think that makes it worse. She has suggested that maybe I just don’t enjoy these things and to think about what I would enjoy doing instead. But everything I do is an extension of my interests, I’m not being untrue to myself. I adore my friends, I love music, I love travelling- all my plans exercise that. It’s really hard to convey that they are completely irrational obsessions, I am aware how irrational they are, but I can’t stop letting it win. Can anyone relate? Or advise on how to articulate this in therapy?