LIVING ON MY OWN

Yall these panic attacks are getting FOUL. please give some good advice. The ocd brain in me be telling me I’m dying and bout to head to the Gates of Heaven. Helpppp

For years I’ve been struggling with trying to put together a routine for myself. I always end up filling my time with things that pertain to others. I see my friends all day, I like to see my boyfriend a lot (even though it’s only a weekend to weekend thing), and I’ll scroll social media. When I go on social media I tend to look at people who is no longer in my life. With this, I’ve come to a realization recently that I’ve put others over my own needs. I barely take my meds regularly because I feel like I’m constantly busy at peoples events, hanging out, or work. I don’t want kids but I’ve grown up in a family the idolizes the nuclear lifestyle despite not having it, and my boyfriend wants kids, so I feel like I’ve put myself in a position to lose my idea of what I want. Sometimes I don’t even know if I want to be with a man. I feel sometimes that people will leave me if I just do what will work for me. I could put down my drink and I think of how it will affect others, not myself. I’ve always wanted to travel and get out but I know my boyfriend wants to stay with his family so I put it on the back burner. I’ve started to get anxious about me losing out on my life and what I want to do. It makes me think I’ve always lost out on so many opportunities. I want to try to start small. Making sure I have a good routine for myself that I won’t break and then try to apply that discipline to the rest of my life. I’m just not sure how.

hi. so one big factor of my OCD is rumination. i met a guy who i have a crush on the idea of (idea bc there are red flags). my biggest fear is not finding true love, my ex told me no one else would deal with what i have (my ocd, specifically reassurance seeking and getting overstimulated after intimacy). a few weeks ago, my friends and family all gathered and tried to give me advice that sounded like “you’re shy and you’ll never find someone.” after that, i’ve felt off. i’ve been using an unhealthy coping skill, daydreaming, and i’ve just felt unbalanced. my ocd makes everything feel different sometimes, i can’t explain it. life, myself, almost like being in a dissociated state. has anyone else experienced that? i don’t know how to remain balanced during my off times and i know pms exasperates it all. i take ashwaghanda and omega 3s in a multi vitamin daily. i take them all together in the evening but i’ve missed three days recently and also messed with my rocky sleep schedule because of fun times with friends. i hope these supplements work, because i don’t know if i’d be brave enough for medication. i had a bad reaction on prozac and often am forgetful. i just have been battling my OCD consciously for almost ten years now and unconsciously for longer. i am so tired, as my mental health extends beyond my OCD. i’m in talk therapy with some cbt aspects but i only see her twice a month. i’ve broken down so many times and promised myself id get on track or that certain things would work, but it’s like i am stuck in a circle that gets smaller when i’m able to help myself. i just want to be normal. i want to be able to mess up my sleep schedule to enjoy good times and not suffer horrible consequences or fear that i will be entirely thrown off balance. i don’t want to worry or doubt or feel so dissociative that i squint my eyes for a moment and wonder why i feel so unreal. i will never understand why god has allowed me to go through this. i cannot let it be for nothing but i don’t know how much more to bend and contort my body and brain to get somewhere stable but how lovely it would be if i could. i don’t have much of a schedule right now, i get apathetic and give in with things from time to time. one thing can trigger me and i am back to square one wether in a week or month. any advice, any and all is so helpful. your stories, your thoughts. maybe feeling less alone and knowing what has helped you is exactly what i need right now. thank you 💗