Premarital OCD

I love my boyfriend so much. I am so afraid to get married though because of my OCD. A year ago I was fine and excited to eventually get married, but now it seems super nerve-wracking, and impossible, to me. I am a Christian and I have struggled with a lot of sexual sin in the past, before me and him started dating, but it eats me alive and I feel like if we do get married I have to confess all of it to him and that if I don’t I’m being dishonest and it’s horrifying. I know that nothing I ever struggled with was really that bad, I’m not going to get into that but he pretty much already knows the worst of it, but even when I have opened up to him I just feel like it’s not enough. My intrusive thoughts tell me that if I don’t tell him *everything* I’ve ever struggled with that I’m terrible, dishonest, a bad person, a hypocrite, a liar, that one day things will completely implode, that I’m destroying our relationship even though it’s completely healthy and he’s SO good to me, etc. I hate feeling this way. I want to marry this man, but it has become so terrifying to me. I feel like I absolutely do not deserve him and that I’m too awful and damaged for him. Me and him are long-distance and I’m even scared to meet him, to kiss him, etc. because I’m terrified of these fears coming up when I do. When I picture myself in 5-10 years being potentially married with kids, that thought in itself doesn’t give me anxiety, and in the grand scheme of things I can picture myself moving on from this anxiety, but at the same time in the present moment I feel like I’ll never move past this. I think this may be a form of ROCD and/or scrupulosity. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Does anybody else feel this way? Any other Christians who maybe relate?

I am a Catholic Christian, and something that has been stressing me out today is the topic of the Final Judgement. One of my OCD fears is cheating on my boyfriend and now I’m having crazy thoughts like “what if I cheated on him, and then on judgement day God judges me for it, and then me and him are eternally separated?”. I’m also really afraid to get married (the fear comes and goes) because I am afraid I will let my OCD sabotage it. I’m afraid I’ll let the shame and guilt get to me and I’ll confess to things I did not do. Ugh. Does any of this make sense?

Has anyone recently gotten married and was able to cope with their OCD through their engagement and actual wedding weekend? I’ve been doing great and just want to make sure I can handle the stress over the next few months and not ruin the weekend I’ve looked forward to for over a year. I feel some recent intrusive thoughts coming through that are “I am” statements which are new for me. Any tips or tricks would be appreciated.