Rant/Am I Just Ruminating?

This is just kind of a rant but any encouragement would be so much appreciated, thank you ❤️ I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. He is incredible, kind, funny, smart, hardworking, so so loving-just an extremely good person. In 2021 I developed or at least recognized my OCD. I’ve been diagnosed with OCD, anxiety and depression, definitely quite the list. Each of these conditions mingle with each other and make life very difficult at times. At the beginning it centered around me being a bad person but slowly grew to be relationship OCD. I have fears that I don’t really love him, I’m not actually attracted to him, I’m going to cheat on him, he doesn’t make me happy or that he would be better without me and is a better person than me. Lately I have this fear that one day not to far away he will prepose to me and I won’t be excited. Or that he will feel more for me then I do for him, or that I will have to fake my excitement. I have this vision of myself feeling nothing when he asks me and having to fake it. It’s just such a sickening thought to imagine not feeling the intense joy I always knew I would feel if he proposed to me. It’s so strange because before I had bad OCD I used to dream of that day, I would ask if he thought he might prepose to me one day and if his answer wasn’t certain enough I would feel very sad. It’s terrible because I’ll get depressed and feel nothing positive for any aspect of the world-including my relationship, but OCD will take that and twist it into me not feeling anything positive for him. Which will in turn make me feel more depressed. You ever just want to hide and pause the world for a little while so you can catch your breath? It feels like the weeks go by so slowly but still suddenly I’m nearly grown up.

I love my boyfriend so much. I am so afraid to get married though because of my OCD. A year ago I was fine and excited to eventually get married, but now it seems super nerve-wracking, and impossible, to me. I am a Christian and I have struggled with a lot of sexual sin in the past, before me and him started dating, but it eats me alive and I feel like if we do get married I have to confess all of it to him and that if I don’t I’m being dishonest and it’s horrifying. I know that nothing I ever struggled with was really that bad, I’m not going to get into that but he pretty much already knows the worst of it, but even when I have opened up to him I just feel like it’s not enough. My intrusive thoughts tell me that if I don’t tell him *everything* I’ve ever struggled with that I’m terrible, dishonest, a bad person, a hypocrite, a liar, that one day things will completely implode, that I’m destroying our relationship even though it’s completely healthy and he’s SO good to me, etc. I hate feeling this way. I want to marry this man, but it has become so terrifying to me. I feel like I absolutely do not deserve him and that I’m too awful and damaged for him. Me and him are long-distance and I’m even scared to meet him, to kiss him, etc. because I’m terrified of these fears coming up when I do. When I picture myself in 5-10 years being potentially married with kids, that thought in itself doesn’t give me anxiety, and in the grand scheme of things I can picture myself moving on from this anxiety, but at the same time in the present moment I feel like I’ll never move past this. I think this may be a form of ROCD and/or scrupulosity. I hate it I hate it I hate it. Does anybody else feel this way? Any other Christians who maybe relate?

I am scared. I love my fiancé. I love everything about him with my heart and soul. I just feel so empty. I have ROCD if you haven’t noticed lol. I keep going in cycles and phases where I feel ok with my past trauma regarding my ex partner, and feeling like maybe the trauma is still there. If you’re asking now at this point if there’s any feelings involved- no. I don’t feel romantic feelings of the sort. But, I am so scared. I am scared to see this person in public, so I don’t go out. I am scared to think about this person because what if I am thinking about them because I want them? It’s triggering, and I always make sure to not ruminate. But, as I meditate and I do ERP, I find myself feeling more lost and more susceptible to the pain of it. The trauma does not pain me anymore, it’s the thought that I might never be able to give my fiancé the life he wants. So, now I have to contemplate giving up a future that I have thought about. Waiting to make the engagement public to my family, for absolutely nothing. I love this person, they have been pure and honest and open. I am young, still. What if I am just with the wrong person, and this isn’t the person for me? It’s all a facade and delusion the COUNTLESS times I have redirected my thoughts to just tell them “You’re wrong, I love this man.” As I sit here, on the verge of crying, I wonder…. Is it even OCD, or am I just a bad person for concealing the thoughts and not giving it direct attention? Most importantly, is the man I love the one for me? Or is it truly all a joke?