Uncertainty and Guilt

constantly asking myself if i really have ocd, or if it’s denial. but at this point, it doesn’t matter. my guilt will just consume me anyway, no matter what it is. shame will take its place, the intrusive thoughts will linger. i believe time heals. but time cant heal shame. what if i’ve really become what i’m most scared to be? what if i always was? the guilt from the past will always bring back the same thought: “you are a monster. look what you’ve done. you’re in denial. it’s not ocd. why do you even apart of the community. you’re fake. denial. denial. denial.” i await the day pure happiness comes. the day i wake up and feel alive. the day i forgive myself for everything. the day i realize who i am. i pray i am not what i fear. though, i live with the uncertainty. this era in my life, if i ever overcome it, will always be remembered. it hurts to think about. one day having to share this horrible story. will i have to share why i felt the guilt? or will i keep it locked up forever? what will make me feel better? patience. praying for peace. let the day come.

I mainly struggle with real event and scrupulosity OCD. The things I've boiled it down to that I can't answer are these: - Not knowing what I deserve: this one comes from the infinite philosophies and methods of thinking people have, each different from one another. I know some people out there, even if not as much, will disaprove. Do I deserve to enjoy anything anymore? What pleasure do I still deserve out of life? What standards do I go by? The law? Atheists? Christians? Spiritualists? - Not knowing if I'm a "good person" - Is this guilt excessive or valid? - Is there any other amends I could make? - Did I know better? Was I disadvantaged and didn't really know better because of my age and/or mental illness/Asperger's? - Do I need to confess more? - What if someone brings up the event again later? What will happen? - What if my therapists so far were just extra nice? - What about that one person who said something really negative when you confessed that one time? My torment never ends. I don't want to die, because I have dreams, but I also don't want to live, because I have to deal with this every single day.

I remember feeling guilt and trying to ‘solve’ my real event right after it happened. I remember feeling bad and thinking of every possible outcome. I think eventually I convinced myself nothing bad would happen? or I just ignored it and forgot? I honestly don’t know. After some time I think about 1-2 years it has come back up again and I can acknowledge that I did something wrong but I can’t remember all the details now. I’m terrified of what I can’t remember and I have these false memories that would take the event and make it so so much worse. I wish I could turn back time and tell myself not to forget or to just look at all the facts and have a clear view of everything. I’ve thought about killing myself so much and although I’ve confessed to the people I’m closest to and they have told me that they would still love me after all (which made me feel even worse) I still don’t think I could ever move on without knowing exactly what happened. I used to have dreams and recently obtained a great degree but now I just don’t even think I’m worthy of breathing on this earth. I just want to be someone else completely. I don’t know what I’ve done and it’s driving me insane.