panicking

when i was 7 years old, i sexually experimented but with my brother who was three years younger than me. nothing terrible happened and nothing was forced. i sat on his lap and i moved my hips in a sexual way for like 5 seconds. i didn’t know that it was wrong at the time, i was just a very curious child. that was 12 years ago and ever since then i’ve regretted it with every ounce of my being and it made me feel disgusting because it doesn’t align with my values at all. but recently, it has turned into real event ocd. i cant stop feeling immense guilt over this thinking i molested my brother and how shameful i feel about it. i feel so disgusting and i don’t think i’ve ever felt more suicidal than i do now.

I'm freaking out because I saw a tiktok on cocsa and now I'm afraid I did it when I was super little. I had to be like 6 or so but I can't remember, i just remember being little, not even 10 yet i dont think. I remember i was with my younger brother and my dad and we were all playing hide and seek in a hotel. And then me and my younger brother were hiding in the bathroom. I remember us giggling and then I remember making him lift his shirt? Or us taking turns lifting our shirts? Then im not sure if we showed each other our genitalia or not, or if his pants were down. I genuienly cant remember but i think we did (me and a friend in lile 1st grade got in trouble for doing that once, so i wouldnt put it past me and i keep getting a vague memory of it so maybe we did). Then i remember kissing his stomach before my dad was like 'what are you guys doing?'. And we both just laughed and left the bathroom. When I was really young, I was exposed to porn and it messed up my brain. I dont think it was innocent even though I didn't understand like what I was doing because I was really little. Hes from my dads side (who i dont talk to anymore) so i havent seen or spoke to him in years. I weve gotten along before we stopped talking though, but still. What if I traumatized him?? What of I did cocsa or intended to/almost did?? What if he doesn't remember now but will remember later and be traumatized??

very scared and worried i hurt/did something bad to my baby cousin while he was growing up and scared did something to a young family friend when i was growing up. idk how to move past without having answers but I never will get one. how do i even FEEL like im a decent or good person if there’s a chance i did something bad like this growing up? i was very hyper sexual as a kid and did try to touch other kids my age and also did weird things out of curiosity. i also did have things done to me as a kid by other kids idk if by any adults. I’m just scared.