Feels like it never ends.

So I’ve been dealing with severe ocd for the past 3 years.. I’ve dealt with it all my life but had up and downs and thought I was finally getting my life back and now over the weekend I got a huge trigger. It revolves around being intoxicated and having holes In my memories of that night. I was fine the next day and hangin out and then started to look back on the night and that’s when my brain picked the blank in my memory. It got really dark with the what ifs and the anxiety went thru the roof but now it has stuck and I can’t stop trying to figure what happened in those blank moments. Everyone I was with said nothing bad happened but I just keep having false memories. Anyone have these moments?😣😣😣

Enonomouse

Date posted: 1y

Just remember you've been here before and have gotten better, this time you're kore equipped to deal with the little ocd demon. Let him be there for a bit, soon get bored

Enonomouse

Date posted: 1y

Oh bless you, it is horrible. When mine spiked I got incredible paranoid when I saw people deleted me off social media I'm like omg what did I do to them??? Or what did they do to me? Or do they know something about me that I don't? I'm seeing a doctor tomorrow, I'm nervous but at this point I'll try anything to get out of the false memory loop because as soon as you're out of one you're right into another.. it's exhausting

Imtrigad0529

Date posted: 1y

@Ennoymouse Omg i literally do the same thing like, I’m always paranoid about why someone isn’t on my friends list or doesn’t follow me anymore and exactly like you said I worry like did I do something I don’t know about?? And all that kind of stuff. I’m going to also set my appointment with my therapist because I’ve been in a big up and down fighting different themes. Right before this one I had driving ocd/ hit and run type worries where I would literally drive my routes 3 or 4 times back and forth checking to see I hit someone or ran someone off the road or whatever it may be. I could just have a thought like oh you don’t remember going over that crosswalk you could’ve hit someone. I’d avoid driving at all cost only for work and if I wanted to go to the store I made sure my partner was with me so they can be my reassurance but now with a different theme in my sight, it’s like I was never worried about driving. All the effort and time doing those compulsions. I could go all day about all my different topics and spirals. I’ve always held off on therapy tho because I’m scared to talk about these things and also I’ve just dealt with it all my life that I’m high functioning with ocd and can put it to the side but I feel each topic gets increasingly heavier than the last and I’m getting to a point where i feel so beat down, im 25 but I feel 60 and im in decent shape not the best but I feel like im stressing myself out way to much and it’s starting to get to me.

Enonomouse

Date posted: 1y

@Imtrigad0529 Exactly the same as when I started driving esp at night, I'd drive home from work and there was always a certain bit of the road that was bumpy.. didn't matter to me I had to turn around and check i didnt hit somone. Also with my youngest child I was always checking he was definitely in his car seat, I'd get less than 10 seconds into driving before I had to pull over and check I didn't somehow leave him on the side of the road. I'd have to say goodnight to my sister in the same way every night or she would die, now same with my children. Its only now that this one really debilitated me I'm like ok it's literally trying to ruin my life and I'm not going to let it

Imtrigad0529

Date posted: 1y

@Ennoymouse I’m glad we’re not alone and we can relate but bless you as well. This disorder doesn’t hold back that’s for sure. I just remember solely preparing my self to spend my life in prison because I couldn’t get around the the thoughts anymore no matter how much I checked. That kind of helped, like accepting it but I would still do compulsions so I’m like always scared that I’m going to jail and that I’ve probably ran over hundreds of people because I had a new trigger every time I drove. But we will get through it, I can tell your not a quitter like me even tho I feel like quitting everyday but somehow I pull through. Got to take our lives back because I believe all this energy we put into obsessing can be turned into bigger things like our dreams. But honestly my only dream right now is to just be able to breathe and enjoy a sunny day without feeling like I don’t deserve anything less than suffering.

Enonomouse

Date posted: 1y

I have similar, but a fear ive horrific things and forgotton because of it being over like 7 years ago.. like fear ive suppressed the memory

Imtrigad0529

Date posted: 1y

@Ennoymouse I’ve also had this to where it goes way back in time and you obviously can’t remember no matter how hard you try. And then it’s like you start replaying memories and they start morphing into your fear and you become even more convinced

Enonomouse

Date posted: 1y

It sounds ridiculous but it all started off with me thinking my son didn't have many of my husbands features and suddenly I was searching my past and found all this "evidence" that I could have cheated and forgot. I'd confidently tell you I've never cheated before I had this intrusive thought but now I have this horrrible false memory that includes not knowing who what or where. And even though I know I could never do that, it eats away at me. My evidence can be something as silly as having a 5 minute conversation one day 8 years ago with a friend and simply just not remembering that conversation..my brain goes oh look I've found something you've forgot, or a night at a pub quiz I can't remmeber now. Obviously there always no significant thing happen to keep that memory with me but OCD Is nasty and that just kept me on the loop

Imtrigad0529

Date posted: 1y

@Ennoymouse Ocd is definitely nasty, it really sucks because it’s always something negative and can’t be like “man I’m a good person”. It’s always “oh no I’m a horrible person because of this thing I think I did or could’ve done but because it feels so real so it has to be true” and just literally going down a spiral of self torture. I kind of have a similar story. this kind of topic started happening a few months ago starting with “I wonder why my half sibling and step father don’t really talk to me anymore” (mom has passed away) and then went down the memory hole of “omg could’ve I harmed my sister” or something like that and that’s why they don’t speak to me even tho we’ve met up plenty of times and hung out and talked but my mind wanted to scan back 10 years and of course it can just create whatever it wants and label it. It’s like a kid who didn’t do his homework and it’s due now so he just puts something together and goes here it is

Anonymous2212

Date posted: 24w

False Memory/ ROCD

I am diagnosed with OCD, ADHD, and mild depression. But my OCD symptoms are so prominent in my daily life where it feels debilitating. It comes in waves, there will be months with very minor symptoms and other times where it comes in random hitting me like a truck making me rethink life. I grew up having intrusive thoughts of all types, and a lot of them sent me over the edge because I couldn’t understand why things of such sort would cross my mind, things that I’m sure to this day that I’m incapable of or would never want to actually do. Yet I find myself in a constant cycle of trying to dig deep in the past and trying to figure out if I ever acted on any of the intrusive thoughts I can remember, yet ofc have no recollection of acting on them because they most likely didn’t happen. However, not having concrete proof of these things makes me not want to see another day sometimes. It is so hard to move into daily basis like this. I’m also in a happy healthy relationship and sometimes I get these thoughts of “what if I’ve done something awful during the relationship (for example, cheat, dishonesty, etc.) and can’t remember?” I know I would never do anything intentionally to harm my relationship and I think that maybe the idea of not having my partner sends me down a rabbit hole to think all these things. This mental fight is getting harder and harder. It feels unbearable. Does anyone have some fruit for thought, relate, or have any tips?

scrambled

Date posted: 20w

false memory or repressed memory?

How do you know the difference :( I genuinely cannot keep living in this torment. it all started with an ‘intrusive thought’ where I had like a hazy flash of something reading an article. and I remember thinking ‘what if’ and ‘what is this’ and then that intrusive thought turned into me ‘remembering’ something else. which caused me panic. then I started trying to find evidence because it contradicted what I remembered this entire time. this was last year in like september. fast forward to march this year, it came back up- but this time stronger and with more ‘details’ and what nots. and I’ve been ruminating on it since then trying to remember and connect and It’s like I’ve added all of these details. but are they real? or is this just my OCD? I just feel like if it were real I would have never been able to keep it to myself. but also what if it was so traumatic that I blocked it out? because it all makes NO sense for me to do something like that. but it also fits what I was thinking at the time. idk

LillyX

Date posted: 13w

Pocd & alcohol & false memory.

First I must say I love children and harming one sickens me. So if you don’t understand pocd please don’t commment. Ive only ever been drunk around children once at a house party , my ocd then convinced me I could’ve assaulted them the next morning as my memory was patchy…I haven’t let this go for YEARS. I didn’t even know what I did? 6 years later I have this whole story, based off an intrusive image I had but still don’t really know what I did? Every waking day of my life I’m trying to figure this out but I’m getting more and more confused. I’ve found clues, coincidences , things I believe could be evidence but isn’t really? I’m mixing in reality and false images….My therapists (I’ve had 3) all say this is false memory ocd? But mine feels different? Mine feels worse? Anyway I need a break.

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Feels like it never ends.

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