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Hi. EVERYTHING You’ve mentioned, I’ve dealt with in some way, shape, or form. I’ve done the “what if im in denial?” loop, felt like I’ve dealt with the thoughts 24/7, and even worse as an elementary music school teacher and now a choir teacher, but what’s important to remember is that you are not getting turned on by the thoughts because of the child part. Brains process sexual content first, then your real attraction second. SEXUAL content is SEXUAL content regardless of the subject, so what will our brain naturally go to because of habit? Pleasure. So it feels like the thoughts are real because your brain doesn’t actually filter out what the subject is at first, but here’s where it’s OCD and not real pedophilia. Do you have anxiety about the thoughts? Do you wish you could go back to normal and that the thoughts never happened? Do you want this gone? Do you seek answers every time a thought makes you second-guess? Do you obsess over and even put yourself in fake situations in your head to see what you would do? Do you test yourself around children, going “am I attracted to them?” If yes to any of these, it’s OCD. Even questioning if you have OCD is ALSO OCD.

This subtype of OCD is HARD. What ultimately made me okay is that it’s an unanswerable question and I just had to accept that it was one of those and rely on the four professionals that I went to that all told me it was OCD. I still question all the time if I’m in denial still, but then I push it aside and realize, well the me right now doesn’t want that in reality. The me right now still has control over my actions and that’s what I do. One day at a time. One step forward. Eventually, it fades into the background. Hell. There are even some days that I forget it’s there altogether now. I’ve been completely okay for about 6 months or more. Mine began a year ago and lasted as one straight hellish nightmare for 7 months straight.