- Username
- Zoroarcanine
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 28w ago
Tough Moment
The last three days have definitely been hard on me, seemingly out of nowhere. I’m not trying to let it ruin my progress but it is hard to not slip into old habits and just sit in the discomfort and sadness Today my mind hasn’t even been racing with thoughts. It’s just been a feeling, I guess that then becomes a thought, that I am truly gay, and that all the thoughts I’ve had over the past 7 years that reminded me of my last SO OCD episode was just me being in denial. OCD is so good and so convincing and it feels so insanely real that I am just truly in denial, like I could say I’m gay right now and it has meaning. It feels like he just let me think I had him beat, and build this amazing life only to take it away from me and make me leave my wife to go be with another dude. He knows how to prey on my comfortability I do have with the lgbtqia+ community, and twist it in so many distorting and confusing ways. Today is just a feeling of sadness, sad that I’ve been using SO OCD to lie to myself, sad that I’ve led my wife on, sad that the life I dreamed of since I was a kid was just me repressing my true sexuality or me just now rediscovering it, after one stupid thought I had while having sex with my gf. I know that these thoughts and feelings, including the next one I’m writing about, are my OCD, and that I’m doing well in just sitting with them, but the lack of engaging in composures just feels like I’m accepting that he’s right. To anyone that took the time to read this, thank you, and keep up the fight. These moments really suck but we can get through them