I find myself aroused by athletic guys and skinny “twinkish” guys. It’s very specific. Wonder if could be due to wanting to be athletic and/or skinny growing up as I saw them being the “hot” ones who got girls.

I consider myself vanilla but fun, I’m the person in the friend group who’s really open about sexuality and publicly open about healing from childhood sexual(incest) trauma. Behind the scenes in my alone time things change. I find myself only able to get aroused by taboo content(for the most part), or in fanfic terms “ dead dove “ content. It’s so weird. If I were to do that in real life I’d be repulsed like, “ that’s just morally awful, who does that?”, but my brain tells me “ you, this is what you like, you’re a terrible person and the fact that you’re aroused proves that.” And then I stop because it’s not fun anymore I’m just repulsed. Sexual assault ruined how I see my body and how I see physical love. So why does my brain make me think I like it?

Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please

Why are things so real the first time they’re in my mind and then when I think about it later it’s easier for me to be like wtf?? I was watching a movie earlier and the young girl had developed more in the chest area than the last movie and I felt the desire to check her out so I did. Then later I let myself imagine her having sex and I liked it. But now looking back I’m like ew. The boys in the movie have also developed as the movie went on and I couldn’t help but think that in their real life they’ve probably woken up to boners and s*men and stuff. And looking back it’s just ugh. Idk if it’s sexual relevance but I genuinely let myself indulge in these thoughts and groinal responses and I remember thinking to myself I don’t want to be attracted to little kids and how do I stop myself (everyone has attractive qualities so in younger boys I see man like qualities). Idk I need help. I wouldn’t type this out if I truly believe I was messed up but I’m still scared