Is this a compulsion

Everyday I wake up and start searching for reason to breakup with my partner. I feel utterly confused by relationships and dating. Not to mention, I’m autistic and this has always been a huge struggle for me. In fact, it led me to both diagnoses of ASD and OCD. I can see there are some things I am not happy with in my current relationship and I understand that, but when does it become too much? I started having limerence over a random person because my brain just wants an out so fast. I told myself that I wouldn’t until I get proper help (medication, constant erp therapy etc). Every time I think about breaking up I start sobbing and my body vehemently rejects it. Its really confusing and disorienting for me and cant trust a damn thought in me. I’m scared that I’m just taking him along for the ride and potentially will severely fuck him up emotionally because of this. I guess thats where I can feel the OCD. My fear of being a bad person and the people around me being bad people. I dont know if I need advice because I think this may be me searching for a compulsion to do. But I just want to get this out of my system. I have severe Disney-like unrealistic expectations sometimes. I had to maladaptive daydream all the time growing up to get out of my traumatic upbringing and brain (tbh). I still do. I am aware of that and try to put myself into check. I just cant stop comparing my friends own beautiful relationships to my own. Most of them are in the “engagement” stage of their relationships. Even though it’s ridiculous, all of them have worked on it for many years at this point.

I’m currently in a very emotionally stressful situation with my partner. We had a huge argument because I did something I had promised not to do again: I looked at my ex-partner’s profile. To me, it didn’t have any real emotional meaning. It was impulsive, meaningless, almost automatic. But my partner was deeply hurt – and I understand why. I told him about it. We talked. It was hard. But after that, things got even worse for me. I suddenly remembered that it didn’t just happen once. And since then, I’ve been stuck in this thought loop and I don’t know if it’s OCD or not So, should I tell him that it was more than once?”– if I should tell him, even if it might mean he’ll leave me. Should I confess this? I urgently need advice. I don’t know if this is OCD or not – the thought suddenly came to me in that situation. I have been formally diagnosed with OCD. But if I know that my partner would see this as very serious and might possibly leave me over it – shouldn’t I still tell him? I feel so awful and I’m having panic attacks. Is this OCD?

So, I have not been diagnosed with OCD, but I feel that I have it. My therapist told me that she doesn’t believe I have it because I have no physical compulsions, but I feel like I do have mental compulsions. Let me explain: For the past 8 months I have been experiencing relationship anxiety (maybe ROCD). I have obsessed over “Do I actually love my partner?” “Am I attracted to him?” “Will I cheat?” “Is God telling me to leave?” I have been with my partner for over 3 years and he is absolutely amazing. He is sweet, caring, loving and our values aline. My dream, before all of this, was to marry him and I think I still have that dream deep down. My current obsessions are whether or not I “want” to be in this relationship. I don’t know why I am questioning being with someone so great and it is making me feel so guilty. No matter how many times I tell myself that I DO want to be with him, I can never believe myself. It is like I can no longer trust myself. My other obsession is “is it anxiety or intuition?” I had a thought the other day that said “break up with him” and I didn’t react to it. That sent me down a spiral and now I am scared that it was my intuition. I don’t want to claim that I have ROCD (even if I strongly think I do), but I would like some help with this.