Do I need to grieve?

I'm Christian and I struggle with being close to god a lot but lately I just feel like I will never near a full relationship with god because of this not only that my heart physically hurts because I think about how I want god to allow me to get married and have kids but I don't think that's his will for me I feel like it will never happen and my heart hurts thinking about it and even if god does allow that blessing to come my way l'm afraid I'm going to end up hurting my husband or committing adultery and I'm afraid how he would react to my past and old relationship and ocd I don't think it will ever go away not because I don't think god is powerful enough I know he is I just think he wants that to be my story for the glory of his name and because it keeps me close to him idk I just my heart hurts thinking about not being married and not having kids but l'm trying to accept that in case that isn't his will for me it just really hurts my heart physically im thinking of starting therapy but im scared it wont do anything or God will get upset with me that I couldn’t do it with just him i got put back on pills and im gonna end up going back to therapy i get afraid of death and other things now idk I just don’t wanna upset god

(22F) Broke up with my ex. Didn’t know what ROCD was at the time. He has moved on with someone new. The depression and regret has gotten really bad as of lately, and I don’t know what to do. I’m so tired. I kind of want to be single forever, though my heart yearns for connection. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and parent with someone I love one day. It’s not worth it if my mind is this way. I’m working with a NOCD therapist soon. If someone has a story similar I would love to hear, I’m really struggling. Thank you so much.

I have been doing very well managing my OCD over the past few months amidst the most amount of life changes I've had in years. However, today I had something catch me off guard that I just want to get off my chest. I'm getting ready to serve a mission for my church, and I've been spending a lot of time praying and getting closer to God. I've had a thought pop in my head few times that, sometime in my life, I'm going to experience divorce. I've been trying to treat it like any other OCD thought, but today when I was visiting my parents, my stepmom told me a story about when she was younger. She lost her little girl in a fire, and she said when she was young and before that happened, she heard a woman speak at church with her same name that had just lost her little girl, and she had a premonition and a really strong feeling that it would happen to her. She forgot about it, but years later, it did happen. During the story, I thought about my divorce thought, and it felt like it was from God and that it is going to happen. I got instant cold sweats and chills, and it's like my heart just dropped. It was suffocating. I'm worried that it was from God, and that divorce will happen in my life. This terrifies me, because my parents got divorced when I was a child, and most of my extended family members have been through divorces with the minority staying with their spouses. More than anything, I want to build a loving, nurturing family, so this is just really scary right now. I prayed to God about it, and He told me to trust Him. I'm trying to keep it together but I'm just so scared I want to cry.