The Unsaid? (And how to NOT fill in the blanks?)

I'm tagging this with a trigger warning because I am going to describe an example conversation that triggered my own excessive thinking and describe that excessive thinking in this post, so please proceed with caution!! Does anyone else struggle with hyperfixating and ruminating over what i'm- for lack of better words at the moment- calling The Unsaid in some conversations?? Like, when i'm talking with a friend or acquaintence if a thought or comment I've made goes without a response (or reassurance or validation) from the other person, I find myself filling in the blanks with things like "they didnt respond/they changed their tone so they must be thinking something awful!" And picking that interaction apart and as a result destabilizing my sense of trust in the relationship. Example below (please heed trigger warning) ________________________________________ For example, a friend of mine and I have been studying for our driving TIPs together and they told me they were proud of me for the progress i've made (we've both been nervous about it for years). This friend has expressed having trouble concentrating in groups so it's only really been the two of us, though we still get a bit distracted talking about the songs we pick to play for our study time. I responded to them by telling them i was also proud of them, was grateful that we've been able to do this together, and expressed hope that my being there was helpful and productive for them despite the distractions. They responded with saying that that was sweet of me to say, but nothing else. There is nothing wrong with what they said and they give me no reason to believe they feel badly about studying together otherwise, but this response still makes me anxious and start to overthink because the two phrases that didnt go addressed also correlate with how they feel about me in this situation: if they've enjoyed our time together, if i've been helpful to them. This is where the Unsaid starts to slip through the cracks. It says, 'they didn't choose to respond to those things but surely they must feel some way as well? What could they feel that they cant/dont want to tell me?' which then become thoughts like 'If they dont like studying with me do they like spending ANY time with me?' 'Am i pushing/compelling them into studying with me when they dont actually want to?' 'Am i holding them back from doing their best?' 'Am i not someone they trust/feel they can be honest with?' And so on and so on and its!!! Extremely discouraging and disheartening and I feel awful, because it all feels so plausible in my mind despite knowing I cannot possibly know how my friend feels unless they tell me. _________________________________________ If anyone has any advice regarding how one quells these thoughts from rising up, how to cope when theyre active, and how to distinguish between an OCD rumination versus a real pattern or reaction that warrants genuine discussion, I would love to hear it!!! I thought of checking in with this friend when i'm less anxious but i'm not sure I should; they aren't responsible for reassuring me all the time nor do I expect them to recognize when I need reassurance, even when I dont realize that i'm asking for it (it wasnt until i was typing all this out that it occurred to me that i was hoping they would validate our relationship) And like, aside from this conversation they've voiced positive feelings about my being around before, so it feels unreasonable to ask it of them the one time they didn't yanno? Anyway long post over thank you for bearing with me 😓😓😓

Zeichele

Date posted: 1y

Hi! You are not the only one, I do this to. One thing that’s helps me is just reminding myself that I cannot control what other say or how they respond. I did my best to express how I feel and it they did not respond in a way that didn’t reassure me that it’s not my fault. Also one thing that feed OCD and rumination is reassurance. one thing that I find helpful is picking up a little notebook. Draw a line down the middle and write give in on one side and resist on the other. When you start to ruminated and go down the rabbit hole find something to focus on( for me it’s playing with my rings and deep breathing) and try not to ruminate (easier said then done) if you give in write and tally on that side and if you resist write a tally on that side. Don’t worry if you 20 to 1. When I first started I was 50 give ins and 0 resist but as I continued I was able to catch myself and the numbers flipped

Roseptlss

Date posted: 20w

Persistent Intrusive thoughts about past actions

Hi Everyone! I hope whoever is reading this is having a good day so far :) So for years now I’ve had very bad intrusive thoughts about things that I have done or embarrassing things that I’ve said or have happened and it’s mortifying and debilitating on a daily basis. Specifically these thoughts are mainly things that have occurred from 2018-2020 and some are more simple just as a stupid joke I made or being way too loud on calls while my family was trying to sleep and others being way more complex such as past relationships and how I’ve hurt some of the people I care the most about and when I have acted on intrusive thoughts and these thoughts will appear with no triggers at all I’ll just wake up and already have something I did just nagging me. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I’ve tried working through it with self compassion but sometimes the things I said or did back then it’s very hard to forgive myself for and I’ll reminisce on it for hours on hours, gaslight myself into believing that’s not how it happened and try to change the memory itself, or just suppress it entirely. I know those habits aren’t healthy and truly I want to get better but I don’t know how to overcome some of these thoughts. I have talked to my fiancé about this a few times and even today we talked about it and he fully supports me and is helping me work through it. I might also contact my sister too, I don’t talk to her overly too much but ever since I was little she’s thought I’ve had ocd and was one of the people who made me consider that I might have it (I’m still undiagnosed but I’ll try to when I have the money and time) and I know she could maybe provide some insight. Another thing that is troublesome about the situation is my other family members specifically my mom aren’t the most helpful and can trigger thoughts. To put it in perspective on how her thought process is and some background info she is an ER nurse and has been for 30 years due to this she believes she knows mainly everything there is about mental health and she gets extremely upset when I don’t take her advice or set boundaries. She’ll force me to talk to her about my problems and when I don’t want to she’ll pin me in a corner where I’m forced to and last summer I had a really bad episode and was really overstimulated and I just finished taking a shower and due to the water on me, my hair being wet (my hair is naturally curly and it takes forever to dry and it’s very draining taking care of even with a keratin treatment) and all the intrusive thoughts I was having and she forced me to talk to her and I did open up for the first time about my thoughts and brought up how sometimes I have thoughts of hurting my animals and it makes me physically sick. Her response to this was threatening to call the cops on me saying it was a behavioral thing and I was doing it for attention. I have never hurt any of my animals but later that day my cat came into my room and a few minutes later she comes up just gives me the death stare and after a few seconds just asks me “are you going to go kill snickers?” In the most condescending tone and she’s always like this daily where she’ll force advice onto me or get upset and yell and then reinforce thoughts I’m having. I just want to know first how to stop the thoughts from so frequently and how to heal in an environmental where it keeps reopening wounds despite trying to place boundaries? I’m sorry this is really long I usually do go really in detail about things and it’s just how I’ve always been. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and I’ll answer them to the best of my ability. I really appreciate the time you took to read this and thank you for your help! 🥰

ocdonedidily1

Date posted: 17w

Perfectionism OCD and rumination

There’s this one situation that I haven’t stopped thinking about from last night . So basically, I was reading 'The power of Now' which is a book that I love so much and really got me into spirituality. It’s been so helpful for my OCD and rumination but it’s also been pretty triggering for it as of late, so I’ve taken a long break from consistently reading it. The excerpt I read was about abundance and how its not about being bountiful, necessarily in material things but realizing and being grateful for the things that exist in your life now and in doing so, you will open yourself up to more good things. I understood it but I re-read it a lot because I didn't feel confident enough to explain it to someone else. but otherwise I LOVED IT. It made me feel so at peace, I agreed with it, and it gave me hope to start focusing on the good things in my life rather than the bad. So when I went to bed I rehearsed myself explaining it to someone on a podcast and then all these questions started flooding in like “why should I only focus on the good and aren't we supposed to accept the good and bad? Aren’t those the values of Buddha and spirituality” “Ya, we're supposed to accept the good and the bad but why?- so we can feel more good??? And isn't the point of OCD to not label things as good and bad? and why should I focus on the good- so I can feel good? why should I feel good? because I'm worthy of it? why am I worthy of it? because I'm a good person and do good things? well I’ve also done bad things so why shouldn't I consider that. I just don’t understand why I should feel good without it being selfish. And then this went on for like 2 or 3 hours. Like holy shit. I over explain these ideas and concepts that I resonate with to the point where they don't even make sense to me anymore. It becomes very existensial very quick. And I’m not suicidal but these questions make me feel hopeless in society for some reason?? And myself. Like if everything contradicts everything then what’s the point to life? If nothing can be understood or explained in a senseful way, then how do people move forward and make decisions, like AT ALL? There’s never a right or perfect answer and I feel like with any decision I make in regards, I’m doing a compulsion either way. If I don’t answer them, then I’m avoiding it and if I do then I’m checking and seeking reassurance. I’m sorry if this was way too long and over-explained I just need some advice or to know if anyone can relate in any way. Also, I’m sorry if some of those back-to-back questions were triggering.

Gmoki

Date posted: 17w

I need advice :( vent post/does anyone relate?

First off - I’m sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldn’t pick one struggle and settle with it. I’m not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someone’s advice please. I love hearing everyone’s advice on posts because it’s so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesn’t feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but it’s also been thorough and constructive enough where it’s reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and I’m so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think it’d drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and it’s been teaching me so many amazing techniques. I’ve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. I’ve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. I’d do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. I’d make his bed for him multiple times, but I haven’t done that for myself in years. I’d sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but he’d never do the same and I’d never do the same for me. I’m also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I don’t want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping they’ll think I’m pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I don’t understand it. Ocd makes me think everything’s a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I won’t be successful, I’ll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCD’s version of “logic” isn’t even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where I’m dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and it’s a very odd and bizarre feeling. I’m excited of course, but I’m also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like “what if I will never make the most of this life I’ve been given”, “what if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other people’s lives is a background character”, “why do I care if I’m a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like me”, “are people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?”, “I need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am now”, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes it’s like I just can’t take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what I’m saying? Can anyone help?

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Share your thoughts so the Community can respond

The Unsaid? (And how to NOT fill in the blanks?)

Related posts

Be a part of the largest OCD Community

Be a part of the largest OCD Community