For four years, i thought my false memory was just a false memory and I thought that I can continue with life knowing that it's okay not to know and rely on uncertainty. But what if you caught yourself ruminating and you realize that your worst fear is true? Everything starts to become clear. Has this happened to anybody? I don't think i should be alive anymore.
Please clam down , your ocd is causing you to have a panic attack. When you say you caught yourself ruminating and realize your worst fear is true that sounds like you’re having false memory ocd.  there are very few things a person could do. That would be so horrible that we would not want them around anymore and I find it really hard to believe that you did that because if you did, you would be in prison. girl you are going to be ok please take a deep breath , I know ocd feels real and scary but it just fear and anxiety. Please do not hurt yourself it is just your ocd. I for a long time thought I was a horrible person that wanted to kill my family because of my ocd and I did not know about ocd at the time. I too was in a dark place at that time but I was able to overcome my ocd and I am going a lot better now. Please stay strong , don’t let your ocd stop you.
What if it's not ocd? I can't do this anymore
have you ever thought about maybe the memory is still false as OCD can be very convincing? and there is no way of knowing for certain if the memory is true or not as the more you ruminate on the memory the more details are added and its near impossible to tell if the details are made up or actually happened. i hope you understand what i’m trying to say
I understand. It's just I don't see a future for myself. I'm tired of going through the back and forth in my brain. Now my brain is saying that I did do it and I'm scared because I know the type of person I am and I've been in denial this whole time.
@MandyM I know you feel trapped in your thoughts and like there is no way out. But that is not true you can get better and will get better. You are 110 percent having an ocd panic attack right now. When you say things like you know the type of person you are, and you been in denial this whole time thats someone going down to see the ocd rabbit hole right there.
Definitely more to life. Forgive yourself
I can't forgive myself and that's okay.
You may not feel like you can forgive yourself now, but you have to try. You are so much more than your past, and your life does have meaning and value. You are with the effort of learning from your past, forgiveness and healing. Please stay strong, and seek help if you're worried you might take action.
I'm sorry but I can't
@MandyM I know its hard, everything you've said in your post and replies, I've been there. I know exactly what you're feeling. But please do what you can to take a breath and slow things down. Go outside for fresh air if you can, guided meditations are great, but know you're worth it.
I’m pretty much done with life too so I feel ya
I’ve bumped into what I believe is ‘evidence’ that my false memory ocd could possibly be true but it doesn’t directly prove it. When things like this happen I try to remind myself that anyone can be convinced of a false memory if you think about it enough. You will bump into coincidences if you look enough. It’s ocds job to make you feel like this.
When this memory came up five years ago, it felt real. Then a few weeks and months went by, and then I thought wait it minute, something doesn't feel right and during that time that's when I was learning about what ocd is. When I learned about ocd, I was relieved but also still suffering from the anxiety. I thought that, "since it's just ocd, I should be okay, right"? But it was the opposite. There were times where I thought I was lying to everyone or that I'm going crazy and thought I was gonna develop schizophrenia (the intrusive thoughts were very intense) . It was to the point where my family had to stage a last minute intervention on a hospital parking lot because I told my school's counselor I was gonna commit suicide. I honestly thought after getting better graduating from university and finally realizing what I want to do as a career, I thought I was gonna be okay. I should be happy,right?Since February, I hit a huge relapse and now I'm literally back to square one. I've realized I've been in denial this whole time.
@MandyM I just graduated too, I also was also hoping it would make me feel better about myself, it sadly did not. I also had a relapse in my ocd two weeks ago for about a month where I can not sleep or eat. I too get stuck in my ocd. What degree you get? What career you what to have? Sometimes I have to push thought the ocd and go do what I want or need to do. The past is unchangeable there is no point and dwelling on it. You are loved by your family, you have people who are rooting for you. You need think about what you what your future should look like. Mandy you can still live a great life you just need to keep trying, you will figure out who you are.
@Brooke cookie - I got my degree in law and minor in communications and media studies. I didn't like my degree so I'm going back to school in the fall studying graphic design. Right now, I don't see myself making it to the fall
This is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL
If the uncertainty leads me to accept the thing i am running away from how was that not true and if the uncertainty the may be or maybe not in the future gets me to do something i might be in denial of what then?!? This is a possibility and a big one cause if i would have been so sure if myself why would i even question in the first place…And with uncertainty how do i know anything for sure and people who don't know will say they are gender queer so how am i not that.….. ¡ have stopped feeling the anxiety and all these feel real and I don't even react to it cause i am tired and numb to them its like I don't know who i am anymore and everyone with soocd constantly says they know they are straight or whatever and i used to earlier and now I don't why dont i?! Why do i feel like thats a lie or could be a lie and my brain has confused my emotions and feelings to the point where nothing feels real anymore and i feel like an imposter and someone who doesn't know who she is and is suffering…… is this ocd doing this or my thoughts being real just me not realising? Is this ocd i am constantly trying to figure out if the thoughts are real or not and then i say if its real i type all this because i am scared and fear and in denial like where does this end?!
Today I woke up with the intrusive thought „did I harm my dog sexually during the night?“. My brain is specifically relating to the time of 3:57 when I woke up once. From what I remember I only woke up and thought abt going to the toilet but being too lazy and scared of the night so I went back to sleep. But I keep being worried I might have actually been up before that time and done sth. Like I seriously have no Memoires of doing so. Only things that I know were produced by my imagination bc they’re not really possible. I’ve already asked my mother if she had heard me go downstairs at night (we have like some kind of door that keeps you from falling down the stairs which is quite loud to open) but she said she doesn’t know and she hadn’t heard anything and said she’s 100% sure nothing had happened due to how my dog doesn’t seem to care at all and seems to not be scared of me. I’ve also thought abt asking my father and sister but they can’t actually hear anything. Maybe at like 3 am they were up tho for a snack? I know my father often goes to the kitchen at night to eat sth and my sister too. I guess I’ll ask both of them tomorrow. And the thing is that we actually have a camera in our garden which captures a bit of the door where my dog always sleeps and we have a light there so I could’ve been able to check up for my dog in the cameras. Turned out that my parents had turned the camera off at some point. Seems like they only wanted to capture stupid animals hopping onto our car and watching our own family go into the house. Wonderful. I don’t know what to do. The only thing I could now do is either trust my memories and let it go or check for the logic. Last time I was scared I might’ve hurt my dog, I realised that it wasn’t possible for that to have happened and that all of my memories were false. But to be honest, I’m so tired I don’t want to fill 5 days of my life with checking the logic of my obsession. I’ve had multiple su!cide thoughts by now. I’ve spent almost half my day crying. This is my lowest point. I can’t accept the uncertainty. I’m so far in this rn I actually today decided to lock my room from now on and hide my key, take a picture of it to remember it’s exact position and then close the door of the wardrobe I’m hiding it in and putting tape around the openings of the doors from the wardrobe. I seriously don’t want to keep living if this is the life my brain chose to give me.
How is one supposed to be okay with uncertainty? I don’t think I ever will be. Uncertainty on wether I am a monster, or if I’ll go to jail, or that my family and all of society will shun me and be disgusted with me. I have a real event with false memory and the number one think I find myself saying is I don’t know. I don’t know if I did or didn’t do that I don’t know if my memory is accurate or not I just don’t know. The guilt I wake up with everyday is suffocating and I don’t even know if it’s deserved or not. I don’t know what to do anymore I fear death is the only way out. I hate that I feel sorry for myself I don’t deserve anything at all.
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