- Date posted
- 1y
Why I’m Here (New Member)
Hello! I’m Jen, and new to this app/community but definitely not new to OCD. I’ve been experiencing obsessive thoughts on and off for 30 years, since I was 8. My Pure O always flares up when I’m going through periods of intense stress. I’m currently in a really bad place with my OCD—I’ve been experiencing a resurgence of obsessive thoughts (I think “assaultive” is a more fitting description) for the past 2 months. My aunt, who was more like a mom and who I felt loved me more than my parents, died relatively suddenly February 5th. The first month after her passing I felt fine—I was just kind of numb and disbelieving. But the next month, I had a panic attack at work so severe I had to go to the ER. And since then, my OCD, anxiety, and panic disorder have all been working in conjunction to make my life as difficult as possible. It’s been so frustrating because before this, my mental health had been in a really good and stable place for EIGHT YEARS! And now, in the wake of my grief over my aunt, I feel I’ve been reduced to that frightened 8 year old girl I was when this started. I just want my life back! My current themes switch back and forth between fear of ki****g myself, fear of ki****g loved ones, and fear of going insane. Logically I KNOW that because these thoughts cause me this much distress and pain, I am not likely to act upon them. And I also KNOW that I’ve never acted upon any of my dozens and dozens of intrusive thoughts I’ve experienced over the years. But KNOWING is not the same as BELIEVING and I’m just constantly terrified that the worst things I can think of will happen. In the past, I found 150mg of clomipramine to be very helpful so as of Tuesday 5/7 I’m back up to that dosage. The problem is this medication takes 4-6 weeks to make any noticeable difference. So I’m here to try and find other ways to help myself in the meantime. I’ve been aware of ERP for a few years but I’ve never done it before because A) clomipramine has always been highly effective on its own, and B) honestly I’ve been too scared. But now I’m sort of at the end of my rope when it comes to dealing with this monster and I’m willing to try anything and everything that could help. Of course I’m also terrified I’m the most hopeless case and it won’t help me and I’m a lost cause, etc. etc. It would help me to hear about your experiences with this program, your success stories and coping mechanisms any of you have had success with. Thank you for reading this whole thing, and I hope to read some hopeful messages. 💛