Relationship

I have been in a relationship for almost 3 years and before we went on holiday all I wanted was to get engaged (or so I thought, because people kept saying when are you getting married, when will you have a baby?) and I’m happy the way we are. Then on holiday my BF joked about buying me an engagement present and I had a panic attack and two whole days of worrying, “does this mean I don’t love him anymore, is there something wrong with me”, even picturing myself not being happy on my wedding day so my imagination went wild. I know deep down I don’t ever see a life without him but I feel pressured to follow the path everybody does and I’m just not ready to get married but I’m 34 and people (society) say that’s what I should be doing. I know that I do love my BF very much, we live together and have a pet, so I’m very much committed, but since then I’ve been having urges to ‘check’ I still love him, for example if we cuddle do I feel a certain way, or having constant thoughts in the third person like “she doesn’t deserve him, she is a bad person, she is lying, she doesn’t feel anything” and the thoughts whizz around constantly. I know that this is my condition but I have a wonderful relationship and I am turning cold and distant because I feel so depressed and empty most days. ?

Is this ROCD or not? I continuously keep having doubts about my feelings for my boyfriend. I’ve never had this before with my previous relationships and it’s really upsetting because this is the first boy that’s actually treating me like how i deserve. I feel like i’m in a bubble when it’s to do with him. I feel like i can’t emotionally get to him or connect to him. Whenever I think about him or see photos of him i get anxious and stuff. I know i want to be with him forever and i panic about it going wrong. I’m scared i’m going to end up giving in to the doubts and end it😞Whenever i think about the future it makes me anxious, it’s like i’m turning my emotions off. I keep crying after being intimate with him and i don’t know why, i’m panicking it’s because i’m losing feelings for him. I look at other couples and ask myself why am i not like them, why am i not in love like them. They make it look easy and it’s making me doubt everything. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 months and it’s amazing when i don’t have these horrendous doubts. He’s so patient with me and he loves me and worships the ground that I walk on yet and I still have these doubts. They came when our relationship started getting serious. I keep asking my friends and mum for reassurance if i love him and it’s making me so so sad. I feel like if i love him i shouldn’t be having these feelings. He’s not done anything wrong and i feel so guilty for it. Is this OCD or me? Plz help :(

I went out with my bf and I felt anxious the entire time. I felt like I was out of love and critiqued every little thing: his height, his face, his skin, etc. I feel awful and I'm scared I don't love him. I don't want to not love him :( He's so fucking amazing but it feels like I genuinely don't and that made me feel so emotional and almost cry right in front of him. I don't want to break up with him, I don't want to leave him, I want to love him. I do love him. :( I love how considerate and sweet he is, how much effort he puts in, how patient he is, but after a few years I still struggling with "feeling" in love, whatever that means. I want him, forever. Why does it not feel like it?