Hey. God doesn’t punish us. We punish ourselves. Sin is punishment enough. “Perfect love casts out all fear. Fear has to do with punishment, and is not perfectly formed in love.” 1 John 4:18.
You are beautiful and worthy of love and understanding. A person who cheated on you and was toxic to you is not what you deserve. The Word says that Jesus was the Word of God and is God. Praying and talking to the Lord IS engaging with the Word. It’s not the whole part of it, but it’s a step. Even one verse a day is worthy of celebrating and encouraging yourself. God is proud of us for the baby steps as well as the big leaps. He knows that life is just baby step after baby step.
I just got out of a relationship with a guy who “claimed” to have lied about being sexually assaulted to get my sympathy. Whether or not he did is irrelevant, because anyone who speaks in riddles and obfuscates their heart is not a person who has my best interest at heart. And neither is your ex.
I know it’s hard to not go back to them. I know that sometimes it feels like we were “fixing” them, but the reality is, we’re projecting the fixing we want to give ourselves, or for someone else to give us, onto them. Did you love him? Yes. But was that love founded on mutual respect or understanding, or a compassionate obligation that was one-sided while the other side took advantage? Do you miss him or the validation having someone gave you, even if they were toxic? There were probably good times too. But, people are messy, and you don’t deserve to be broken because of lies someone believes about themselves being projected onto you. Like my ex, we only have to rest on the fact that they do not define our value or our worth.
“In union with the Lord I greatly rejoice that now, after this long time, you have let your concern for me express itself again. Of course, you were concerned for me all along, but you had no opportunity to express it.”
Philippians 4:10 CJB
Sometimes, even people who love us cannot support us in the way we need, because of how they feel about themselves. Him cheating on you is him saying that he was more than likely cheated on or betrayed before, and is emulating that behavior because of a deficit he tried and could not fill with you. That is his walk, and his actions are not justified for that presumed trauma. However, A) that doesn’t mean it meant nothing to them. B) that doesn’t mean you mean nothing. C) love is not enough, and recognizing that people who DO show their love and their heart to others are the kind that you need in your life.
Judges 15:15: “How can you say you love me if your heart isn’t with me?” The next verse (17) says, “And he told her all of his heart.” If a man cannot be vulnerable with you, and will not love you with the love you deserve, then they don’t deserve your time or your attention.
