I'm losing it. This might be the end for me

I remember something that I've done when I was 19 years old when it comes to OCD. I tried to help someone with their OCD but they were underaged. I don't know why I decided to agree in doing this. I guess I just wanted to be nice or I had trouble saying no. I just don't know. But for the most part I've been trying to help this person with their OCD and I think it has helped them but in the mix of things I brought up really touchy, inappropriate topics that related to my OCD one way or another and it was in no way of trying to get with this person. I told this person that I wasn't exactly comfortable talking with a minor and after a while I told them straight up I didn't want to continue talking because of this. I looked through messages and I saw things that spiked my anxiety but I with read the entirety of those messages. This person suffered from POCD as I did and I just wanted to help them but I feel like I've slipped up here and there and I've said something irredeemable and wrong to this person. I can't do this. I feel like my life is over. I can't calm down. I can't stay still. I hadn't thought about this for years until I saw a video about a middle aged man talking to a minor. I can't do this anymore. I'm losing it. I'm spiraling and I don't think I can calm down. POCD is my biggest fear and this feels like a nightmare I badly want to wake up out of. But it's real, it happened, and I'm so scared and mad at myself. I HATE THAT I'VE DONE THIS. I HATE THAT THIS HAS HAPPENED AND I FEEL LIKE I'M A DISGUSTING PERSON. I'm so sorry. I just can't bring myself together. I can't do this. I was doing so well until I remembered this and I feel like my life is over. It feels like I've failed all of my friends and my family. It feels like I've ruined my life.

Malisimo

Date posted: 1y

You didn’t ruin your life, I promise you nobody cares about this or thinks it’s an issue but you. You said something inappropriate to a minor…all I remember from being a minor is saying inappropriate stuff. Take a breath and relax. This is not a problem, you trying to solve this is the only problem.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

How can that be possible? I slipped up. I went away into detail about my OCD problems. I was supposed to help this person not go on and on about what I was going through. This is awful. I never wanted to hurt this person, date them, or try anything with them in any way and I knew that. I was just trying to make sense of everything OCD related and I even made it clear that I didn't want to continue talking with them because of the whole age thing. How is this not a problem?

120

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 That sounds like normal processing to me, it’s normal to want to try to go into detail about things in order to make sense of OCD. It’s OCD that’s making you feel bad about it now.

Malisimo

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 You are trying to examine your behavior, to solve a “problem” of did you behave inappropriately. Doesn’t matter if you did or didn’t, are you trying to be perfect in behavior at all times? You are simply attaching fear and your values to this. Doesn’t need to be examined as I said before. Not a problem to be solved, move on.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@120 Really? I want to believe that but my thoughts just won't let me. I just can't get past these strong feelings of my OCD basically telling me that I'm a complete monster for this. And yes I never thought about this at any other point until I got a trigger and then it all came swinging back..

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Malisimo I don't like to make any mistakes because of what my inner voice tells me when I do. I really did want to help this person and deep down I didn't want anything more out of this in any way. That would be absolutely sick. It would be horrid to want to take advantage of a situation like that. I would never ever want to do that to anyone. I'm just surprised that this isn't seem as an issue. Is it really just OCD?

Malisimo

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 Of course it’s ocd! You just said you wanted to help this person. Ok end of story. Stop trying to figure this out, you are in the ocd loop. It is just attacking your values, that’s what it does. What if I’m a bad person, solve this issue. Id tell my ocd yeah maybe i am a terrible person, maybe i like to say inappropriate things to minors, maybe, but then again maybe not, welp can’t solve this but I know my values are to be kind. As soon as you stop trying to figure this out you break the loop.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Malisimo It just feels like I've crossed a line but to everyone else it's just OCD.. whenever something remotely inappropriate comes up with minors it slips out or it's to make a point about something, which is what I thought I was doing here with OCD. How do I just stop trying to figure it out?

Malisimo

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 You just stop, ruminating can only increase your anxiety, nothing else. It’s not protecting you, or keeping you safe, or making sure you are a good person. It is ONLY raising your anxiety. Ok so if you want to be anxious keep trying to figure this out. Asking yourself was I inappropriate isn’t a question you need to answer. If you think figuring this out is going to help you well you are wrong. OCD is never ever satisfied. You can either stop or continue to try your solve this and be anxious and miserable forever, your choice but remember it is a choice. You have the ability to say this doesn’t serve me and I’m not going to solve this ever, it’s ok and I don’t need to know to be ok.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Malisimo I guess the herd part about this is that it makes me feel like I don't deserve to move on from this believing what everyone tells me. I get thoughts telling me I'm a horrible monster for actually trying to NOT ruminate about this over and over again so I just do it so I don't forget how this makes me feel? It's stupid.. by I can't just not believe it. But I'll try the opposite anyway. Do you at least understand what I mean?

Malisimo

Date posted: 1y

@BigGyro09 Yes of course I get it, I’ve had ocd for a long time. Your brain is telling you, you have got to solve this, if you don’t try to solve this that means you’re a bad person because you don’t care. It’s not true though, you cannot ever solve this problem. 1 it’s an unanswerable question. 2 it does not need to be solved. Maybe you’re a good person maybe you’re a bad person, doesn’t matter. Everyone is kinda good and kinda bad at times. You seem like you might be addicted to perfectionism. Maybe sit down and write why none of this matters and why being perfect is unattainable. As soon as you stop caring about this, you’re gonna stop trying to solve it.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 1y

@Malisimo That's exactly how it works for me. If I don't try to solve this, I'm irredeemable and I'm a bad person, and it feels very true. I don't know how I'm going to stop caring about this though.

Givenup

Date posted: 16w

Pocd and dr disrespect

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... Dr disrespect was accused of inappropriately messaging and sending explicit images to a minor, and trying to meet up with them at twitchcon... my POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ explicit HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including the minors, when I was 19, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them in private (including the minors) about my 18+ explicit HOCD struggles... one was uncomfortable by it so i stopped messaging her... the other gave me reassurance so i kept asking her for reassurance... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way... i dont ever want to EVER be a MAP, a P, or a gro*mer in any way... I dont ever want to be what my pocd says about me... im so scared... someone said that I need help, that I need to turn myself in, and that im hiding behind a diagnosis because of this situation... i genuinely feel so hopeless... I dont ever want to ever be a monster...

danielllll

Date posted: 16w

Feeling extremely guilty and don’t know what to do

I think I know what honestly is what caused my OCD. I’ve never told anyone this but I have to if I want help. When I was either 10 or 11, I think 10 I was at my family’s thanksgiving dinner. Around this time I discovered porn and got addicted. I would watch porn and read erotica. Because of this I guess I wanted to experiment. I feel absolutely horrible just thinking about this but I was playing around with my little cousin, he was around 7 I think and I remember we were playing chase or hide and seek, and I grabbed him and hugged him (something I never done before), and got a boner. I did this for pleasure. That’s all I did that was sexual but I feel so horrible. I try to give myself grace as I was only 10 and didn’t know the consequences of something so disgusting. I keep thinking “what if I went farther and hurt him?”. I talk to him sometimes and he seems comfortable with me and I think he doesn’t even remember this ever happened and just thought I hugged him for some reason all those years ago. I am NOT attracted to him at all but I think this incident and remembering it when I was 14 has caused my OCD such as POCD for all these years. I am 18 now but I feel absolutely horrible. And now it’s even worse because I have been invited to his 15th birthday party in Mexico. I’m traveling all the way to another country just to be near him! Obviously I know I won’t touch him or be innopropriate with him. But what if he has felt uncomfortable with me all this time? He seems fine with me and not uncomfortable around me but still. If I feel as if I go to this trip, I am a horrible person. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person for what I did and continuing to be around him? I remember reading Reddit and Quora stories of similar people who felt horrible and people told them to not feel bad as they were only children and they learned and now know that was wrong and that to not tell anyone as it could only make things extremely awkward.Please help. I know COCSA is a very serious topic that harms people and I feel like a horrible perpetrator now.

Givenup

Date posted: 16w

Pocd and anxiety

I hope someone can respond... Im genuinely so triggered and so anxious... Dr disrespect was accused of inappropriately messaging and sending explicit images to a minor, and trying to meet up with them at twitchcon... my POCD is saying that my situation with me venting about 18+ explicit HOCD stuff to people in the PM's on an OCD groupchat I found from NOCD, including the minors, when I was 19, means that I am just as bad as they are... or worse... I pm'ed them from the support group and vented to them in private (including the minors) about my 18+ explicit HOCD struggles... one was uncomfortable by it so i stopped venting to her after she told me she was uncomfortable by it twice... the other gave me reassurance so i kept asking her for reassurance for my 18+ hocd struggles... I dont ever want to ever be attracted to minors in any way... I dont ever want to ever engage in any inappropriate relations with minors in any way... i dont ever want to EVER be a MAP, a P, or a gro*mer in any way... I dont ever want to be what my pocd says about me... im so scared... someone said that I need help, that I need to turn myself in, and that im hiding behind a diagnosis because of this situation... i genuinely feel so hopeless... I dont ever want to ever be a monster...

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