question

i didn't get a response so i'm reposting, i'd really like another persons perspective... idk if what i write will make sense but i am scared of my ability to prolong and intensify / increase the vividness of the physical and mental feelings and thoughts i am experiencing to the point i think since i am doing something willingly that feels so horrific it makes me a bad person who did actually something bad. especially when this has to do with sxual thoughts that i absolutely despise. idk if it's a compulsion but it almost feels unavoidable (is it a compulsion?) let me explain like once my brain feels/knows i'm extra scared to imagine and feel something i get this anticipatory anxiety that just won't leave me alone until i undergo / get through what feels like the most disturbing, vivid level of my own thoughts and feelings and i can control that to a degree where i hyperfixate on my sensations and thoughts and it plays out and prolongs which feels so awful and real and then i'm like hold up i really just did that intentionally i feel traumatized and so grossed out. esp if i hold my breath for some reason i noticed my bodily feelings and mental images are more vivid and i feel so guilty for it. i've done so many exposures and i can't get over this fear of my own ability to purposefully be able to think really hard and manipulate the intensity of my most darkest thoughts that it disturbingly impacts both my body and mind, physical and mental reactions. is this common? is it a compulsion? what am i doing wrong and what should i do.

Does anyone else find that their compulsions actually make their OCD/obsession worse? I don’t mean in the obvious way, like that it strengthens the OCD cycle, I mean in the way that when I perform my compulsions, they make my anxiety so much worse in the moment. My main compulsions are ruminating, arguing with my thoughts, and memory reviewing, but they all just end up giving me more intrusive thoughts/questions, making my anxiety more intense, and making me think my intrusive thoughts are real. I’ve always read that you perform compulsions because they bring you relief, and I suppose for me, they more make me feel like I’m working towards “solving the issue” or “answering my question”, so then is that my version of “relief”? In reality, it just makes my anxiety worse because the more I ruminate/memory review, the more jumbled together and foggy my thoughts/memories become, which in turn makes me think that if I ruminate/memory review just a little more, I’ll be able to “push through that fog” and find my answer, which then also causes me anxiety because my brain feels foggy and hence makes completing my compulsions/figuring out my obsession impossible (which I guess is good because I’m not supposed to complete my compulsions). All of this is making me believe that I don’t have OCD and that my intrusive thoughts are true and that’s why I can’t shake them and that’s why I feel the need to figure them out and why I feel so foggy… Or is this just meta OCD playing it’s devious tricks on me? Has anyone else experienced this or is this not OCD and I should be concerned that my obsession is true?

Usually my compulsions are always motivated by fear. I feel like a child when I have compulsions. Like for example, my brain convinces me that someone is in my house and I need to open every cabinet and all the shower curtains, and do tons of other crazy things like march instead of walking so that if someone where to shoot at my legs they'd have less of a chance of hitting me. How do I stop it? I am just going about my day and I can see in my head, myself getting attacked or something and so my only option to calm myself down is to do a bunch of random actions that will keep me "safe". Does anyone else experience this? Or convince themselves that they are under Milo Murphys law? That anything bad that can happen to them will, so they need to never do anything that could result in anything bad, and avoid everything? And how do you convince yourself you're not in danger?