Bummer

I’ve been sharing on here a lot. My therapist is out this week. But in the last few days, it feels…like I want to do the thoughts. Like I had the realization that I could just do them. And want to?!! Like…I don’t understand. I wanted my dog here and alive and now I guess…I don’t anymore? Like it feels like I’ve become everything it’s told me. The non stop thoughts and urges and images and feelings…have won. I’ll be fighting it, but like…get this sudden impulse feeling of like “why are you holding yourself back?” and like..I check to see if I still love her and want her and it feels like I don’t. Or like I do but I want to do the thoughts more. Or I’m with her and my feelings are like “just do it you could just do it.” I feel like I’m just holding myself back and it’s getting too tempting. I don’t understand. I’m going to give my pup away and just…I don’t even know. There’s no way out. I can never go back to normal with her.

I’m having a very bad evening with my intrusive thoughts. I was doing really good dealing with them but tonight one hit me hard. I’ve been having a lot of different intrusive thoughts but I’ll have one occasionally about hurting my mom or my dog who I love and they’re the only family I have in my life. They’re my world. I was helping my mom put away the dishes and I had the big kitchen knife in my hand and my intrusive thought was you could stab your mom. And then my brain said I had a twitch in my hand and that meant I wanted to do it. Let me just say that I wouldn’t hurt a fly. I actually caught a fly in a glass and put it outside instead of killing it this evening before this intrusive thought happened. I’m such a gentle and compassionate and caring person and these thoughts instantly cause me to have a panic attack. And I have no one to talk to them about. I know they’re hard for my mom to hear and I don’t want to be any more of a burden than I already am. I do desperately want to tell her and have her reassure me that I’m not crazy or a psycho. Then my thoughts wander to if your hand did flinch could you be a psychopath. Is hurting someone in you. I know it’s not but I feel like my mind is out to get me and hurt me. I’m working so hard and I thought I was doing so good but I need to know why I have these thoughts. They’re not ok. I need someone to help me make sense of why. I know we aren’t supposed to ruminate but I shouldn’t have thoughts like this about people I love and care about the most in the world.

TW I’m feeling really bad about myself today. I feel like a fraud and a liar. I’ve been unable to enjoy my time with my girlfriend because I’m bombarded with my thoughts. I’ve been asking for reassurance from so many people and nothing is helping. Nothing makes me feel better anymore and I’m worried that this is just how it’s going to be for forever. I miss when I could just be happy and not overthink so much. I miss being able to get through my days without this crippling anxiety. I’m worried there’s going to be a day where I realize I have no fight left in me