- Date posted
- 1y
Tired and confused
It's all so confusing and difficult. I swear I would just want to take some sort of blood test to tell me what the f*ck I am. Lol
It's all so confusing and difficult. I swear I would just want to take some sort of blood test to tell me what the f*ck I am. Lol
Fr, if I had a brain scan that can confirm I'm straight, I'd take it, just today I though "Maybe you don't have OCD and this is the real you taking over" I swear I get atracted to every single dude now, can't even watch shirtless dudes without feeling like Im going to get aroused and I'm thinking non stop about kissing a dude, everytime I try to think about any scenario of me in the future I'm suddenly kissing a dude and it seems I don't even had a problem with it, like I actually want to
I'm sorry you're going through that, stay strong❤️ Frankly at this point, I would take it even if it told me I was a lesbian. I know it's not realistic but it would be so much easier to know for sure. Being in a relationship while dealing with this is even harder :') Lately I've been afraid I actually know I'm a lesbian but struggling to accept it and pursuing that road. I really don't know at the moment and it's so annoying and time consuming
@g🦋 Yeah I feel like I know too and I just don't accept it, I'm sorry this is disrupting your relationship
@g🦋 And to be honest I'm more scared of being bi, not sure why, like if I got a test that said gay, I would just live with that O guess, but for some reason the idea of being into girls, but have whatever feeling is I get for dudes, for the rest of my life, it's just exhausting
@Nicolas:) Maybe it's the idea of uncertainty! I was scared of being bi too. At the moment I'm more scared to be a lesbian, because it would create so much more radical changes in my life
@g🦋 Yeah that's true, like at the begging I was also really scares of all the changes in my life, and that's what I fear being gay the most, but now Im scared like, how it would be for me just to be diferent, of what I though I was, of how now I would just watch guy on guys stuff, or just hot guys (I don't think being able to tell they are hot makes me gay) or that I would get those crush I use to have for girls, but for guys now, and like, lately I'm just feeling like whatever I felt for girls before was nice, but whatever I feel for dudes now it's intense, like really intense, like 20 times what I use to feel for women, and it goes all the ways, wether it's a groinal to a sexual though or false atraction like a crush thing
@Nicolas:) ocd can really mess up with our feelings :( hope you'll be able to overcome all this!
@g🦋 I hope the same for you, for all of us, but I mean, you are even willing to be a lesbian just to get the doubt over with, that sounds like textbook OCD and base on your other post, it's really clear OCD, I'm sure you and your bf would be happy toguether I wish you the best
@Nicolas:) Thank you so much that's very kind, I'm in a place right now in which it doesn't seem ocd to me at all, but who knows, time will tell us (maybe)🥲
@g🦋 It never seemed like OCD to me, but funny thing is, now I look back to my early episodes and My brain it's like, yeah that was OCD, but this feelings now this are the real thing
@Nicolas:) yes same!
@g🦋 I feel this girl!
Even if there was a test you brain would fund away to keep it going like test wrong so on
Yeah that's true... rip :')
My boyfriend is ftm, and I’m very supportive of him and his journey with gender. It opened a lot of conversations between us about each others gender/sexuality. I’ve known for a long time that i’m pan, but I’ve struggled a lot with my own gender. My OCD causes me to doubt myself a lot, one day i feel hyper feminine and have no desire to identify as a man, but the next day I am extremely dysphoric about my body/hair/voice and wonder if I’m ftm as well? and then it goes away the next day. Some days I don’t even feel feminine OR masculine. I spend a lot of my time ruminating over if i’m trans, and abt the possibility of me spending the rest of my life either not knowing, or settling for whatever’s easiest for myself and everyone around me. I don’t know if I actually believe I’m a man, or if I’m pretending, or if it’s just in my head. Its like I don’t know what to trust since my opinion is different every day, and it feels like I can’t trust my own intuition. It’s starting to affect my sex drive, my sleep, my self confidence, and my self image. It’s really confusing me and I’m wondering if anyone can relate or has some advice. Thank you:)
So over all of this. Why do periods have to make everything so much worse. I keep thinking that I can get over an intrusive thought and then the next one comes in. My brain tries to make be obsess over something that i've already obsessed about and moved on from. Wish this could be over.
Hi all it’s been a bit since I’ve posted. I’ve been doing ok ish Today has been weird, idk if it’s cuz I upped my vyvanse to 20mg and it’s making me anxious or if everything is just colliding rn It feels like idk myself anymore. I’ve been flipping between ROCD, soocd and tocd the last couple of days/weeks. Rn I just feel horrible and idk why but I’ve been on my period for 11 days now. My period usually lasts 7. When I’m not on birth control. I’ve been on birth control since October of last year and hadn’t had a period till coming home end of April/early may and now it’s back again. I’ve been ranting to chat gpt (Ik it’s bad, I just didn’t know who to turn to) Rn I’m just really in my head about my gender and I’m anxious and crying and I just don’t feel good. Context for tonight’s thought I was doing my skincare, I’ve been trying to develop a routine cuz I’m bothered by the texture on my face and how it makes my makeup look. I’ve always felt less pretty than other girls tbh. Anywyas. As I was doing my skincare I had this thought just happen across my mind of “what if I dislike my skin and face so much cuz I’m trans? What if the reason I’ve been depressed lately is cuz I’m slowly becoming dysphoric and hating myself?” When in fact I think the issue is: I haven’t seen my bf in a month and a bjt. I’ve been bleeding for 11 days. I’m in summer classes and stressed about the comjng semester and how much work I have to do to catch up cuz I’m in pre med and I’ve been fucking slacking lately and I truly hate myself for it. I miss being hugged by my bf. I’ll admit I need a good dicking down tbh. My brother is a whole other story while I’m home. I just feel. Gross and bad. And I’m worried I’m trans. I’m worried I’m a lesbian or smthn. I’m worried I don’t love my bf deeply enough and it’s all just circling in my head a lot and I just feel like curling into a ball. I’ve always been a tomboy, I mostly hung out with boys cuz the girls never liked me. I was weird. I loved dragons. I had imaginary friends. At one point as a kid I tried a different name, I think it just didn’t fit and I grew out of that and just went back to my normal name. But now I’m worried I just repressed that. But I see a lot of girls who also went through the same thing and are also just women. But I’m so scared that I’m “not letting the TV glow” like that trend (that shit made me so anxious. I have trans friends and I love them but im scared of it for myself) I feel still sorta tomboyish but dress feminine, once in a blue moon ill dress semi masculine and now I’m worried that means im either trans or a lesbian who wants to be masc. but I’m not. I don’t think I am Idk who I am anymore. Idk if it’s just ocd or if im actually discovering smthn Im just anxious as hell tbh. So I don’t think that’s the case. I’m just sitting here. Looping in my head. My typical “drown out the noise” tv shows won’t load properly cuz of our new wifi and it’s really irritating me. What if I’ve been lying every time I try to do a “are you trans/genderfluid/non binary?” quiz. What if I’ve been lying to my bf. My friends? My family? I keep thinking to myself, if I wasn’t with my bf would I dress the same? Yes I would. I’d still wear my cardigans. My sweaters. My dresses. I’d try out new styles like I want to rn with him. I’m just worried that teying smthn would make me realize smthn about myself but I don’t think it would. Idk. I’m just in all these irrational thoughts. Jumping to conclusions Any advice would be appreciated. I mostly just needed to vent about this.
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