Please help.I feel like I’m going crazy(long post)

My life has changed so much in the past 2 months due to an interaction I had. 2 months ago I was outside of a comedy show venue waiting for my brother to arrive. He was running late so I was trying to kill the time by scrolling on my phone. Then this security guard walks up to me and starts a conversation with me. He was asking me questions about the comedian I was gonna watch. He then asked me if I was planning on going out after the show was over. He was asking for suggestions about cool stuff to do around town (I guess he had recently moved to the area). It was then that he asked me for my phone number. I then told him that I had a boyfriend so that he could piece together that I wasn’t interested in him that way. He then assured me that he was “not trying to get at you that way.” He said he was just trying to grow a social circle since he had just moved. He then just started asking me for relationship advice. He was impressed that I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. Then I started to tell him that my boyfriend and I are involved with the rave community and this seemed to peak his interest. He mentioned that he had always been interested in the rave community, but didn’t know much about it. I then told him that there is an upcoming rave in the area and that maybe he could come with my boyfriend and I if he was interested. For added context, my boyfriend and I have been talking about making new friends recently since some of our friends have moved recently. We then exchanged instagrams and at the moment I was comfortable with this since he assured me that he wasn’t interested in me romantically. Additionally, my boyfriend and I have no problems with having friends of the opposite gender. My brother finally made it to the venue and we went inside to go watch the show together. The guy sent me a message stating “it was nice meeting you today” and then I replied “Yeah meeting new friends can be cool” (I wanted to reiterate that I just wanted to be friends). He then replied with “Yeah definitely want to make new friends this time around.” These were the only messages we sent to each other. I felt okay and pretty neutral about the interaction until the day after. The day after, I noticed that he had liked an old picture I posted on Instagram. The picture he had liked was one where I had some cleavage showing. This was when the negative thoughts hit me like a ton of bricks. Looking back I think I may have overreacted, but I took him liking one of my pictures as a flirtatious advance. Then the thoughts started attacking me: “Did I say something that made him believe he had a chance with me? Did I accidentally cross a boundary with my boyfriend?” These thoughts have been on reply 24/7 and I don’t know how to make them stop. The day after these thoughts started, my boyfriend came back into town from a trip. Since I was filled with doubt, (and I was planning on telling him about the interaction regardless) I decided to tell my boyfriend about the interaction to see what he felt about it. I kept the details pretty brief at first. I let him know that he had asked for my number, and that I told the guy I have a boyfriend. I said that the guy told me he wasn’t interested in me that way. I also told my boyfriend that the guy was interested in the rave community and that we exchanged instagrams. I then let him know that the guy had liked an old picture of mine and that I blocked him after that. My boyfriend was not freaking out whatsoever. He didn’t show concern, and said he didn’t think anything was wrong with the interaction. I felt some relief, but that didn’t last long. About 2 weeks after the thoughts wouldn’t stop, so I felt the need to talk to my boyfriend about it again just to make sure everything was okay. I was more direct this time. I asked him, “do you feel like I crossed a boundary by initiating a friendship with a man?” He immediately reassured me that he did not have a problem with that whatsoever. He told me that I could be friends with whoever I wanted. Additionally, he said that he would be a hypocrite if he did have a problem with that, because he has friends who are women. He has never made me feel insecure about this and I also do not have a problem with him being friends with women because we trust each other. This provided me with relief… but again not for long. Another week or so passed and the thoughts weren’t going away. The thoughts started having more of a negative impact on my life. I started eating less, sleeping less, and socializing less. Crying everyday. The panic attacks were frequent. I began to see the negative impact the thoughts were having in my professional and personal life. Not only did I notice this, but my boyfriend did as well. He started growing concerned about me, and on a particularly hard day for me, he asked me what was wrong. This is when I finally broke down to him. I started crying inconsolably. I told him that I couldn’t stop thinking about the possibility of me leading that guy on. I asked my boyfriend to be 100% honest with me and tell me if he had a problem with the interaction. He assured me that he did not have a problem at all, unless the guy was pressuring me to share my Instagram. He asked me if the guy harmed me/harassed me in any way. He was concerned for my safety. I then told him that in the moment I didn’t feel like he was harassing me, and that I genuinely thought he wanted to be friends with me. My boyfriend gave me the biggest hug and just let me cry. He was really there for me and told me I didn’t do anything wrong. He assured me that he would let me know if he had a problem. I let him know I was starting therapy, because at the bottom of my heart, I really do believe my mind is giving me irrational thoughts. My boyfriend said he was proud of me for starting therapy and that he had noticed recently that my “spark” was gone. I felt relief, but again, not for long. I asked for reassurance two other times with others. I asked for reassurance with two close friends, and with my sister on a different occasion. They had similar responses that my boyfriend had. They stated that they didn’t think I cheated or that I messed up in any way. This was when I realized that asking for reassurance wasn’t helping me in the long run. I talked about this with my therapist. She asked me about other symptoms related to OCD and that’s when she told me that she suspects that I have OCD. I have only seen her for two sessions so she has not given me a formal diagnosis. She challenged me to no longer seek reassurance. It has been super difficult to resist, but thankfully I have been able to not ask for reassurance. This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and I feel so alone. I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me, and the thoughts feel so real to me most of the time. I genuinely feel like I am going crazy. I just want to feel normal again. I’m so scared that this will ruin my relationship with my boyfriend. He is the kindest and sweetest soul and I don’t want to lose him. Thank you in advance to anyone who read all the way through… I’ve just been feeling so trapped in my mind and felt the need to write this whole thing out. Any advice would be much appreciated! I just feel so lost.

Username: Amara Amara

Date posted: 22w ago

It sounds like you are grappling with overwhelming thoughts and feelings related to an interaction that has triggered anxiety and self-doubt.It's positive that you have recognized the patterns of seeking reassurance and that you're working on resisting that urge, as seeking reassurance can sometimes perpetuate the anxiety cycle in OCD. Your therapist's guidance in challenging you to refrain from seeking reassurance is a crucial step in managing OCD symptoms. Practice mindfulness it's help you stay present and manage anxious thoughts when they arise. Deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and meditation can be helpful in calming the mind. Be kind to yourself during this process. Recognize that these intrusive thoughts are a manifestation of OCD, and they do not define who you are as a person. Treat yourself with compassion and understanding. Consider keeping a journal to track your thoughts and emotions. Writing down your feelings can help you gain clarity, identify patterns, and work through difficult emotions Engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation can help your mind from intrusive thoughts. Whether it's hobbies, exercise, spending time in nature, find activities that help you feel grounded and present.

Username: anxious penguinanxious penguin

Date posted: 22w ago

@Anonymous - I appreciate your words and your advice 🙏🏼 this has been so hard but it’s nice to know there’s people who can understand what it’s like to be where I’m at right now. Thank you so much ✨

Username: Amara Amara

Date posted: 22w ago

@anxious penguin You're welcome. It's great you start your journey and just believe in yourself and imagine good days ahead. I wish you agood recovery soon enough.

Username: Oinks MedeirosOinks Medeiros

Date posted: 22w ago

I have similar asking reassurance / validation problems.. I am just beginning the OCD journey as well. Although I don't have answers for you, I sincerely send my heart to you. Because I know this feeling and I understand what youre going through. Keep working towards finding what works 💓

Username: anxious penguinanxious penguin

Date posted: 22w ago

@Oinks Medeiros Thank you for reading and letting me know I’m not alone. That helps me

Username: OCDoesntcontrolmeOCDoesntcont...

Date posted: 22w ago

This is one of the same things I struggle with the hardest, feeling like interactions with the opposite gender mean cheating. I overcame it before with ERP, sitting with the uncertainty and labeling the thoughts as OCD, and something that helps me is to shit talk the OCD once you have it labeled as such. It can help to take a little of its power away if you can call it out in your mind, and say "that's all you got?" "Ohhhhh we going back to the cheating fear again okay" or whatever works for you! Hope this helps and good luck on your road to getting back to normal:) I know flareups are awful, but they do end. The anxiety will wear itself out if you can do your best to not feed it

Username: anxious penguinanxious penguin

Date posted: 22w ago

@OCDoesntcontrolme You have no idea the amount of hope you just instilled into me. I’ve been trying to learn more about ERP and I’ve been having trouble making sense of how it would help me in my particular situation. But it is really inspiring to hear that this is something I can overcome. I’m sorry you’ve had to live through similar emotions, and I am happy you seem to be at a better place now 😌 I definitely appreciate your advice about calling it out in my head, I will definitely try this! Thank you so much, I feel hopeful again.

Username: OCDoesntcontrolmeOCDoesntcont...

Date posted: 22w ago

@anxious penguin I'm currently in the midst of another flareup with similar themes but I'm working on it now with ERP. It's brutal and some days are better than others, but I know it's possible to get better and back to "normal" because I've done it. And I can't speak for a specialist, but with similar stuff, the ERP would be sitting with uncertainty. Rather than fighting the thoughts, say "maybe I do, maybe I don't" and sit with the uncertainty and anxiety, which hurts and is uncomfortable, but you tell yourself you can handle it and eventually it wears itself out because you aren't feeding it

Username: anxious penguinanxious penguin

Date posted: 22w ago

@OCDoesntcontrolme I’m new to the NOCD community but what I’ve loved seeing so far is that people are truly not alone in this struggle. Now that I’m learning more about ODC, I believe I’ve had episodes in the past without knowing, but this is definitely the worst one. I’m proud of you for continuing to fight against this awful disorder. I’m truly wishing the best for you and I hope this flare up wears out soon.

Username: pisces

Date posted: 3y ago

Hi, I wanted to make a post because I honestly feel really alone. This is going to be long, but please bear with me and let me know if you relate or have any advice. I’m currently dating quite possibly the best guy I’ve ever met. And by FAR the best guy I’ve ever dated. We have such a strong connection and it’s my first healthy, non toxic relationship. He treats me with so much understanding, respect and kindess. But heres the thing. I have truly terrible ADHD, OCD, Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Panic Disorder and depression. And more specifically I’ve come to realize- ROCD. I constantly have thoughts about him not wanting me, lying to me, cheating on me, etc. I’ve seen a lot of posts about having ROCD where you doubt wanting to be with the other person- but I know with everything in me I want to be with this man. What I obsess about is him leaving me. I have constant anxiety, espescially since my PTSD kicked in about a year ago. Whenever I’m physically with him, I feel incredible. I literally do not get anxiety, and if I do its considerably less harmful- and hes there to hold me and comfort me. I have trouble eating because of my anxiety, but with him that’s never the case. We’ll have a great time- but the second I leave I begin to doubt how he feels. Whether he’s with another girl. Whether it’s too good to be true. Wondering when hes going to leave. These thoughts cycle and cycle in my head in a manner that is so all-consuming I can hardly focus on anything else. If I text him and I don’t get a text back I immediately assumt the worse. I thought at the beginning it was just because we hadn’t made it official, and when we did these feeljngs would do away. But then he made it official. And they didn’t. And then I thought when it got more serious they would go away. But then he told me he was falling in love with me( I felt the same). If anything, it made it worse. I told myself when he told me he was really in love it would get better. He did. We said I love you, and still. Constant worry. He’s not a great texter or caller, but I expressed to him how much I need communication and how much it bothers me when he doesn’t respond- and he apologized (WITHOUT getting defensive) and said that he would work on it. And he HAS. But still. It’s a cycle. The anxiety waiting for a text, the dopamine rush when I get it, respond, then wait and it starts again until he responds. Then again. It’s a vicious cycle and it’s tearing me apart. We’re open with each other- so everytime I get a thought I bring it up to him for reassurance. I explained to him that I’ve been hurt so badly before. The last time I was in love/my first love- was a narcissist who took my virginity by raping me and i stayed with him for a year and a half after that until it got to be too much physical and emotional abuse and he then fucked my best friend. Told everyone I was pathological when I tried to warn people about him. Every guy I’ve started to care about since then has lead me on or used me, and the less attention they gave me the more I needed it and the more I prioritized them. My dad was a narcissist who gave me love then would dissapear, or come back and I would have to take care of him as he was depressed and suicidal (I was 4) and to this day relies so heavily on me that when I don’t respond to him he says hes going to kill himself. I understand that I have severe abandonment issues, as well as trauma, and that I most definitely have an anxious attachment style. I’ve been trying so hard for the past two years to heal myself, but now its all the more important because I can tell that even though hes patient, it hurts him that I don’t feel secure, that I don’t seem like I trust him. I said that as time goes on and I get to knkw him more it’ll get easier, but I’m terrified that may not be the case. I’m so worried that I’m going to ruin this thing, that it will be a self fulfilling prophecy and that I’m missing out on this honeymoon phase, on being happy because I’m constantly worried about when it will be taken from me. I’m in therapy and we tlak about this a lot and I know it stems from my low self esteem and people-pleasing tendencies, but it doesn’t really seem to be helping all that much. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have advice?

Username: Isabella G.

Date posted: 1y ago

My OCD story and my plea for help….

So, this long story will have to be cut down a bit but here’s my story and my plea for some guidance… My childhood was not that great. Although I am grateful to have had a better childhood than others who are way less fortunate. My dad was an alcoholic and suicidal, my mom was toxic and vengeful. This lasted up until I would say my 10th birthday. I was also molested by a family member that to this day no one believes that it happened and would rather me keep this info to myself. I searched for attention from the wrong people. Being bullied, I decided it’s best to be the bullier. So, I started getting in trouble at school, home, with the cops. Everything. Me and my mom started to develop a resentful relationship. I met people online who were older than my age at the time, who had zero business talking to me. They manipulated me and made me feel horrible. I got caught and went ten months without a phone. This time was peaceful. I then went into my sophomore year of high school and entered a relationship I was not comfortable in. At this point, I was healing from previous trauma and was not looking for a relationship to be in. But, I did it anyway because I was afraid to be alone. This relationship was the worst relationship….and I mean the WORST relationship I was in. It was narcissistic and abusive. It broke off abruptly with no closure, no explanation, and leaving me empty and suicidal. I dated during this time and made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship yet. I decided to take a break from dating because although I do not have feelings for my ex, I was now experiencing anxiety and PTSD from what happened. I fell into a deep depression that I did not know when I will be getting out of. I met my boyfriend while continuing to heal about a month after. It was an instant connection and of course I questioned it but I didn’t think much of it. I caught feelings for him pretty quickly which is something that is rare for me. We had insanely similar personalities. It has been the best relationship I have been in. I could even go as far as to say this will be my future husband. We are also long distance and will be closing that distance soon. Something inside me though… keeps bringing up my ex. Small thoughts, small feelings, and knowing I don’t love him. Now, I sit here. I am questioning my love for my partner, asking myself what is so special about my ex that he occupies my mind but weirdly not my heart… It hurts. I just want these thoughts to stop. I have become suicidal before, I am scared to become this again. Why do I feel like I love him when I never loved him while we were together? I know my brain is tricking me, because I know I love my partner. But I am scared I still care for someone who abused me. I am scared I now love two people at the same time. I am scared that the one that I am with isn’t the one for me and this happiness means I am faking it. Is it all an illusion? Why can’t he just go away?

Username: sofiarenee

Date posted: 1y ago

relationship ocd. so tired.

so back in july i made a mistake of going behind my partner’s back and hanging out with an old guy friend (who i had a romantic past with) and while i was hanging out with him i had a great time but man my thoughts were going crazy. i found him attractive, funny, etc. i’ve known him for years and everytime we would talk i felt there was some type of tension. like romantic or something. well i felt it again when we hung out and immediately regretted it because i know i love my boyfriend a lot and i felt like a horrible person for doing something like that. i couldn’t hide it from him any longer than i did (not even 3 days) so i told him and he got really upset. at the time i didn’t know what i want, either my boyfriend or that friend. i decided to stay with my boyfriend and ever since i’ve been getting crazy intrusive thoughts about my old friend (i blocked him so i don’t have contact with him). a few months later (now) i know that i want and love my boyfriend, i don’t want to be with anyone else. but i’ve been getting so many intrusive thoughts about that guy and seeing certain posts just remind me of him even when i don’t want them to. then my brain starts to spiral - ‘what if you actually want to be with him instead and you’re just in denial right now’ or something like ‘you dont love your boyfriend, if you did you wouldnt be having these thoughts’ and i’m just so..drained. i’m so tired of thinking about this guy, i seriously don’t want to think about him. i just want to be happy with my boyfriend. i keep telling myself i know what i want, because i do. i want to be with my bf and i want to be happy with him…i love him so much. but my brain just tries to tell me otherwise. i know i messed up and i’m paying the price for it. maybe i do deserve this. i just wish i could erase everything, my past, etc. and just move on. my boyfriend doesn’t hold what i did against me but he’s well aware of what happened and i know how it made him feel. i would do anything to take it back because he doesn’t deserve that, he never did. and i seriously want to be better for him. but these constant thoughts i get are always getting in the way and almost making me feel hopeless. i haven’t told my bf about these thoughts because i’m worried he would take it the wrong way. i really don’t think i should tell him because i know for a fact it would send us both down a spiral and i don’t want that. but, ocd will always try to get what it wants. anyone else going through something similar? some common humanity would probably ease my mind a bit. (in a non-compulsive way. or maybe this is a compulsion. idk.)

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Please help.I feel like I’m going crazy(long post)

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