Suicidal OCD

did anyone go thru both of these themes? mine started out with harm ocd, i had a fear i was gonna hurt myself or someone else. for the longest it went on to hurting my mom, i was so scared i was gonna i couldn’t even go near her it passed. the harm ocd changed to existential, i got bad dpdr from it and still dealing with and now the harm came back. but mainly towards myself. i still get scared when talking about crimes and stuff, but even more anxious when i see people talk about suicide, etc. it makes me think i really am suicidal. i don’t actually have a plan, but one certain image and thing stick in my mind completely. i wont stay at my own house because my roommate owns a gun and i’m scared i’ll give into my thoughts and do it. but then sometimes i know this has been all new and overwhelming to me what if i got depression and now im suicidal. god this sucks. i dont wanna die man but at the same time do i wanna live if im thinking like this? its so overwhelming. not looking for reassurance just seeing if anyone else can relate.

Hey everyone. I have been struggling with this theme this week. I had a panic attack at the beginning of the week and I got hit with a bunch of suicide intrusive thoughts. That is the last thing on earth I want to do and it hurts me because my mind makes me believe I want to. I get in a really sad dark alone place and sometimes I think about it but also I feel like it is intrusive because I have told myself no matter how bad it gets, no matter how shitty it feels I will not do anything to take my own life. It brings me so much sadness and guilt when I think about those kinds of things. It’s been hard because I have been trying to mindfully redirect and stay in the present moment but the thoughts come back and it makes it so hard to move on or when I’m in a happy moment that feels good my intrusive thoughts just come flooding back. I have tried to accept that those thoughts are there and I need to do things towards my goals and values but it’s been so difficult to accept this feeling and notice those thoughts when they are so against everything I love and it’s so hard when it’s one of my biggest fears. I cry and cry because I’m just so scared of those thoughts and it makes me think I actually want to do it. Anyway has anyone else experienced this? I feel so guilty and sometimes get thoughts that this feeling will never go away even thought I know for a fact I can get past it. Any advice? Or does anyone relate?

I think this is the hardest theme I’ve dealt with, it feels so real & the thoughts/sensations are so strong. The thought that really stumps me is when my OCD tells me that I don’t want to live anymore & that I don’t like the life that I have & it’s fueled by a ton of anxiety. If you’ve went through this & got through it please tell me how, I feel like I have to react to my thoughts or something bad will happen.