SUICIDAL OCD, EXISTENTIAL INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, DPDR

Hi everyone if you haven’t read my latest posting I’m ysabelle & I am 16 years old and this is my on going battle with OCD, depression, anxiety and DPDR. To start off if you want to hear my story of how I first got it I have another post up! I wanted to ask if anyone has every experienced existential intrusive thoughts but has suicidal OCD too. I’ve been trying to find some type of comfort because the first theme I had with intrusive thoughts were suicidal/ harm. I’ve learned how to deal with them where they don’t bother me like they used to, long story short I was having existential intrusive thoughts without knowing it. I thought I was developing dementia because I would stare at my mom and an intrusive thought popped up into my head “ what if you don’t know her “ she was my comfort until that day. I was terrified thinking I didn’t know her or recognize her like I used to. Well I wanted to ask if anyone has dealt with suicidal OCD but existential thoughts like “what’s the point of living if we die anyways?” & how did you cope? I was overthinking because I was trying to figure out if I was suicidal because I would get these thoughts and it made me feel uncomfortable and just more defeated and depressed. I now know it’s the existential intrusive thoughts so I do feel a little better. I was thinking these thoughts were coming from me because of my depression but I’m trying everyday !🫶🏻☀️

Username: OCDFamilyOCDFamily

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22w ago

Sounds like several ocd themes trying to suck you in.

Username: ysabelleveloz1ysabelleveloz1

Date posted: 22w ago

@OCDFamily Yes that’s definitely what it is :( like I explained I have dpdr and my dreams feel so real and I’m back to my normal self in my dreams but when I wake up the thoughts start. I don’t know maybe I have to keep going and understanding what they are

Username: The TThe T

Date posted: 22w ago

Just keep recognizing that it is your typical ocd fears and that there isn’t any fact to them

Username: djfloriodjflorio

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 22w ago

Yes those were always big themes for me ever since I was around 12-13 years old. Much less-so now. It sounds like you're doing the right thing in general, so keep at it. Since you seem aware about what's going on in general, over time you'll slowly learn what works and what doesn't work for you. I personally coped with a combination of therapy, mindfulness practice, developing a consistent meditation routine, and deep-diving into Buddhism, all of which slowly reshaped my world view and my relationship with thoughts. Regardless, there are some universal things that are beneficial to everyone: find some sort of community (sports, clubs, support groups, etc), get exercise, eat a healthy diet, and indulge in hobbies that force you into the present moment (painting, gardening, music, sculpting, etc).

Username: ysabelleveloz1ysabelleveloz1

Date posted: 22w ago

@djflorio I’m looking into therapy ! I was doing ERP therapy at home without knowing it but I make myself day I don’t know these people or I’m fake and all these things and they make me less scared. I’ve just been going through a lot and it feels like I’m just going through ever ocd theme 🥹🥹

Username: reaganmariereaganmarie

Date posted: 22w ago

i have experienced the same thing and it was really scary, BUT i made it out and honestly that was the most difficult theme i’ve ever personally dealt with so in my mind if i can get past that i can get through anything. The feeling of questioning everything and everyone (including yourself) around you is so difficult. ERP really really helped me climb out of that hole.

Username: ysabelleveloz1ysabelleveloz1

Date posted: 22w ago

@reaganmarie What were some things they had you do in erp for this specific theme? I’ve gotten over suicidal ocd by erp therapy at home without knowing it. This one is just harder and scarier.

Username: reaganmariereaganmarie

Date posted: 22w ago

@ysabelleveloz1 I started small. Everytime I would get an intrusive thought or urge to do a compulsion i would would either tell myself “yeah maybe that will happen” or “yes that will definitely happen and I can’t wait”. Over time this will stop making your brain from being scared of those thoughts. Another big thing for me was giving this thoughts and feelings a name (like if it were a person). I would talk to it like it was my friend. A therapist suggested this to me saying “you would never tell a friend to f- off and go away, so don’t do that to these thoughts”. If I woke up one morning with a lot of anxiety and intrusive thoughts i would tell this imaginary person “i see that you are here today and you can come along with me, but you can’t stop me from doing what i need to do today”. This helped me so much, it separates these thoughts and feelings from you and helps train your brain to not be scared! There are also plenty of ideas on Youtube :)

Username: alexisd

User type: OCD Conqueror

Date posted: 1y ago

Suicide OCD

Hey everyone. I have been struggling with this theme this week. I had a panic attack at the beginning of the week and I got hit with a bunch of suicide intrusive thoughts. That is the last thing on earth I want to do and it hurts me because my mind makes me believe I want to. I get in a really sad dark alone place and sometimes I think about it but also I feel like it is intrusive because I have told myself no matter how bad it gets, no matter how shitty it feels I will not do anything to take my own life. It brings me so much sadness and guilt when I think about those kinds of things. It’s been hard because I have been trying to mindfully redirect and stay in the present moment but the thoughts come back and it makes it so hard to move on or when I’m in a happy moment that feels good my intrusive thoughts just come flooding back. I have tried to accept that those thoughts are there and I need to do things towards my goals and values but it’s been so difficult to accept this feeling and notice those thoughts when they are so against everything I love and it’s so hard when it’s one of my biggest fears. I cry and cry because I’m just so scared of those thoughts and it makes me think I actually want to do it. Anyway has anyone else experienced this? I feel so guilty and sometimes get thoughts that this feeling will never go away even thought I know for a fact I can get past it. Any advice? Or does anyone relate?

Username: Skai

Date posted: 1y ago

Suicidal OCD vs Suicidal Ideation

2 months ago I fell into existential OCD that left me questioning the meaning of life and if anything was or wasn't real. Became depressed from the thought and eventually through acceptance if never knowing the unknown, I was back to having better days. Well, one day I found myself ruminating about the existential OCD again and had the random thought "Do you think you can keep living like this"? The thought Terrified me. I had been through alot of pain and loss and things but through it all I had never questioned if I could continue living. Since then I've been confused and anxious and tired. I don't know if it's suicidal ideation or suicidal themed OCD. I avoid songs with the word suicide, I stopped watching horror movies and stopped enjoying other things like Ghost Pokémon because they made me think of death and kind of triggered anxiety in me. Sometimes the thoughts feel so real that I'm not sure if it's something I actually want to do or if it's OCD. I've turned to trying to find spirituality and religion to tell myself if I kill myself their may be consequences in an afterlife. Im constantly googling things like "How to make suicidal thoughts go away" and reassuring myself that I wouldn't do it. It still feels real sometimes and it's horrifying. Is there a difference between being genuinely suicidal and suicidal ocd themed?

Username: enoughocd

Date posted: 40w ago

Existential ocd /harm ocd

Hi all , please comment if you’re experiencing what I’m about to share . I am going through a very tough time with existential fears & very frightening thoughts to a point where the thought of myself sends me into a spiral. I ask myself “am I even existing right now as I’m typing this” “ how do I know that I’m not already dead or in a purgatory “how do I confirm that I even exist” what if I’ve already died and this is what death feels like “ nothing & no one around me feels real , I look at my kids & my husband & question their existence. I’ve also been suffering from severe depersonalisation/derealisation & I don’t know which one is triggering the other ! I also suffer from harm ocd where I’m forever worrying that I might lose control & harm my family whom I love to bits & I’m always battling the nightmare inside me that makes me believe that I’ve already hurt them but I just don’t know it … I’m on lexapro & have been for two years but I find that all it does is numb my emotions, I can’t cry & at times worry that if sharpens to someone I love , I may not be able to cry or show emotions . I am convinced that I’ve developed schizophrenia 🥲🥲 which has always been my worst fear! Or that I’ve gone psychotic without realising . I cannot see myself out of this hole & my brain had forgotten what being a normal person once felt like 🥲🥲. I was seeing a psychologist and he did ERP with me but sadly that did Not help so I stopped seeing him altogether & lost faith in therapy altogether ! Sorry this is a very long post but I just want to know that someone out there is experiencing the same symptoms and has gotten over it through ERP or other medication ? Because I feel like I’m the only one suffering from this debilitating illness and there’s no way out!

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SUICIDAL OCD, EXISTENTIAL INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, DPDR

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