vacation

hello! I am struggling right now because my intrusive thoughts haven’t been bad in almost a year, then out of nowhere things are getting awful. I’ve had them my whole life but it feels like my brain is attacking me with the most disgusting and weird things I could possibly think of. I’m not worried I will act on them but I’m more just freaked out that my mind is capable of coming up with these things and it makes me question who I am as a person. I’ve been to the ER twice this week with suicidal thoughts, I can’t do SSRI treatment because I have sensitive serotonin receptors and they always really mess me up. I feel like a freak right now and I just don’t know how to cope.

I have had a huge increase in Intrusive Thoughts this week. It’s making things super difficult for me, I am on my period but I also think I’m having more intrusive thoughts recently because things are going well for me right now. I just keep waiting for everything to fall apart because my mind makes me believe that I don’t deserve more than one good thing at a time. My mind is in constant fight or flight mode. I cannot stop thinking about every past mistake or how someone may have thought I had bad or malicious intentions when I didn’t. I keep thinking I’m going to get in trouble for something and go to jail, I’m especially scared about work and messing up someone’s check out and getting fired or arrested. I hate feeling this way, there is just so much going on in my head and I’m terrified and stressed all the time.

the past day or so has been awful. my intrusive thoughts and just overall ocd has been nonstop. it’s constant thoughts that say horrific things about people, communities, friends, and a lot of thoughts even say slurs. i feel like i always have to react to them or else i’d be agreeing. for example, this morning i was brushing my teeth and i started worrying about a wisdom tooth removal coming up. my ocd was telling me that while i’m loopy or put asleep i’ll say the horrible things that my intrusive thoughts say. while still brushing my teeth i began to zone out in these thoughts and they were more vivid. they were of me in a dentist chair, knocked out, saying a slur or something, and then a few other random intrusive thoughts popped up. it was then that i stopped zoning out (still brushing my teeth) and my ocd freaked out and said that while “i” was thinking these things, i was repeating them out loud (since my mouth was moving from brushing my teeth). it was at this point that i literally couldn’t remember what had just happened and tried to think or “remember/recall” what the ocd/intrusive thoughts said, causing the ocd to repeat all these horrible things. i just don’t know what to do anymore. i can’t resist compulsions because every time i do, something worse pops into my head. i can’t tell the difference between reality or not within these thoughts. i can’t remember anything. did i just say this? or that? constant questioning. i hope this made sense, and if someone is still reading this far i apologize for wasting your time but i do appreciate it. just really stuck and confuses and panicky right now