Deleted post.

I’m struggling badly. I did something about a month ago which I now realize was probably testing, but what scares me is I feel like I liked it, which is horrifying. What’s even worse though, is after I did it, I was able to brush it off quickly and not be too bothered by it, as I was still very anxious on other thoughts I was experiencing. Now those thoughts are meaningless and THIS is what’s causing tremendous anxiety, but the fact that I didn’t feel anxiety about it after I did it seals the deal for me. I mean, did feel anxious and guilty after I did it, but I was able to dismiss it somewhat quickly, and I remember that memory came up a couple of times within the month after I did it but like I said, it hasn’t too hard to dismiss it. I really feel like it’s denial. The fact that I wasn’t that anxious about it and tried to justify it/dismiss it HAS to mean it’s been denial all this time, there just no way this is OCD :( Right now I’m anxious about the fact that I might’ve liked it AND the fact that I wasn’t anxious about it for a while. It is really just a torment to ruminate on, and I would never do that thing again, but the fact that I did it and felt like I liked it is beyond terrifying. I feel like I have proof now, I’m trying to figure out why I did it and what it meant, and why I wasn’t super anxious the following weeks after, I mean it WAS uncomfortable to think back on, but I feel like the fact I wasn’t super anxious about it means I was in denial or repressing my true self. I am so so scared. I’ve been worried about this for the past week and a half :( (This is all centered on the same theme btw.)

Was listening to the diarrhea song cuz I remember hearing it as a kid, this one guys version ended with “when she’s sitting on your face and you get a bad taste.” Anywho I had a whole thing bc of that involving different people but the main one that’s bothering me is I thought of my sister and her bf. They’re pretty edgy and I guess in general edgy people are freaky. Anywho I had the urge to imagine them while he gives her oral. And I tried to ignore it but it seemed too real and so I gave in and imagined it. And shocked, I think I liked it. Whether it’s because it’s sexual in nature so it was a general thing, or a taboo thing and that’s why I liked it BECAUSE it was gross and I shouldn’t think about it. But anyhow people say ocd can’t make you do things but I believe it still in a way made me purposely think that. Any words of advice appreciated !!

Why does my pocd always try to tell my I agree with bad stuff or tell me bad stuff is normal etc… I don’t agree with it but it feels like my body and brain does but I always am like wtf after I get the thought but sometimes if I try to let it pass that feels like I’m agreeing with it. Like omg bro I hate this