- Date posted
- 51w
Things can and do get better!
Around this time last August, I had a terrible OCD relapse. It got to the point where I didn’t see the point in living anymore. I had everything I had dreamed of a house, a lovely fiancé, a good job and a decent amount of money coming in, so why was i feeling like I didn’t deserve or needed to leave my life? I have suffered from intrusive thoughts all my life but I have particularly struggled since the age of 19 when I started to have sexual intrusive thoughts. I didn’t understand what was happening, the more I tried to make these thoughts go away, the more aggressively they came. I would stay awake Googling all night and not sleeping. I carried on with life but was doing mental compulsions constantly. Every 6 months I’d have a big relapse where I would be so anxious that I couldn’t eat, sleep or take care of myself. I had never been open about my intrusive thoughts with anyone. I had therapy and didn’t tell the therapist the extent of my intrusive thoughts as I thought I would be sectioned or that my thoughts would be confirmed as truth. So I talked about generic things like checking doors, the gas and my hair straighteners. Where really I was worried that my whole life was a lie that I wasn’t attracted to my partner, that I could be gay, that I could be an evil person etc. Anyway, my big relapse happened a year ago, I was trying to plan my wedding but felt like a fraud. It got to a point where I couldn’t keep it in and broke down to my fiancé, I told him all my intrusive thoughts, my worries that I didn’t love him, I gave him permission to leave me when that was the last thing I wanted. I now know what true love is, he was amazing he told me he wouldn’t leave unless that’s really what I wanted. He supported me, I sought out therapy again, although it was hard I opened up, my GP diagnosed me with OCD. It didn’t get better over night, I still struggled for months on end, trying to put in to practice what I had learnt from therapy, there were many dark days. The support system that I had once I opened up was the best thing I could of hoped for my mum was incredible as was my partner. I am getting married next May, I am planning my wedding, I have bought my wedding dress, I feel like me again. I can be at peace alone without constant thoughts running through my head. Today I went for a walk alone and read a book on a bench, something I could never of done a year ago. I’m retraining as a counsellor as I hope to help people in the way I was helped! I want to raise more awareness to ocd as before my diagnosis I had no idea people had the same scary thoughts that I did. It gets better, keep pushing, do your ERP it won’t get better over night but trust the process give it time!